Feel free to comment criticize and offer advice (I know that one chunk of dialog is clunky, trying to figure out how to fix it) and more will come as I write it.
So, the girl in the beginning, she wasn't the same as Angela (now grown up)? Or was she the girl who died?
Ah, the story -is- about Angela, she is the main character, and the person who's voice is used in the prologue, the girl who died is unnamed.
Yeeeah..... I'm hooked; that was really amazing so far DG. Love the ghoul doc with quandary of eating flesh to survive or going rabid and turning on friends/patients
I'm really digging it so far. Not a complaint or criticism in sight from me.
These are my kind of characters.
Ah more good stuff... I'd take the next few reply spots (say 3 or 4) for yourself so you can edit them with more of your story.
Heh, I'm not too worried about that, I'll do a link list up at the top once it moves off the first page. Thank you guys for the kind words
Fun!
good stuff, hadnt had that much fun (and inspiration) with a sr story since shapcano. (shapcano anyone? ^^)
big compliment... more please
For a moment she was blinded as light leaked in around the edges of the door, and she squinted as her eyes watered up. The shouting which had once been muffled now loud and clear, shouts ringing in her ears. The situation resolved itself slowly in her mind.
Angela only vaguely recognized the crew of the ship, which somewhat added to the chaos of the situation she was attempting to sort out. Men were running, shouting, one ran right over the door, nearly causing her to lose her fingers to it. More gunshots fired, echoing off the cliffs. The ship was under attack, and these folks didn't look like the 'star, or any other reputable unit. Not that she really wanted to talk to the star. At all. They really want to talk to me though...
Her heart was beating fast again, but this was for an entirely different reason than only moments ago, and the young woman finally surged up, spilling out of the hold below rolling onto her kneels and up onto her feet, looking around quickly. It only took her a moment to be noticed by the intruders on the ship, so she didn't have to search long for a target, the gun was lifted, and a lance of red light hit the charging man, burning a neat hole through his chest. He kept going for a moment, before blood welled up out of his mouth and he fell to his knees coughing, gone in moments as his heart beat itself to death and spilled blood into his lungs. She didn't notice. She was already moving again.
There was a crack and a lance of pain blossomed, for a moment making her breath catch and bright sparks dance in her vision. It felt as if someone had drawn a hot poker across the outside edge of her shoulder, and for a moment she was frozen, hunching towards the pain, looking around wildly. It had been lucky for her that she'd been moving, and they'd had little time to aim, her own gun came up, fire lanced towards the shooter- and then someone else's was on her, a strong arm slammed into her from the other side, she hadn't seen them coming.
Angela's firearm went skidding across the deck and she scrambled to try and gain her feet again, another blow landing, she could feel something cracking in her this time. He was too fast, too strong- one of the chromed warriors, something she'd never fought before, she tried to get a foot up, lighting it with a nimbus of energy with a little frantic concentration, but he dodged easily.
What he did not dodge was the white figure that tackled him from the other side with an unholy noise that had the young woman scrambling backwards quickly and toward her gun, breaths coming in short shallow pants.
Her hand closed on the firearm, and that was when she realized how quiet it had gotten. She looked up and around for the attackers- but saw only the smugglers they were traveling with, pushing bodies- alive and otherwise- over the side. Her sweeping gaze finally met her savior's eyes as he knelt on top of the street sam. Fred's mouth was red, and for a moment there was little of him there to find. ..and then all at once sense seemed to return to him and his expression twisted. The ghoul looked down at the man he was on top of and fled to the rail himself, retching.
Angela forced herself to her feet and over to the downed man. He was stuck conscious, looking up at her with rattling breath- there was a chunk missing from his shoulder, near his throat.
"Who are you..?" The wounded man asked, weak and voice rough. She looked at him with some amount of pity- if he survived that, and he might, he would be a ghoul. Her mind traveled for a moment, silent, to the lost look in Doctor Conway's eyes, and the madness that could destroy him quickly.. or more slowly.
Angela raised the gun, at this range she couldn't miss. She answered him finally before death took him with a final shot, her other arm wrapped around her torso, blood dripping down from her shoulder, and off her elbow, "the Angel of Mercy."
I think i remember another ghoul doc and a young girl from somewhere, but that ghoul was a mouse shaman i think . .
This is very good. Nice spin on a Ghoul character. Keep it comming, I look forward to see what else you have in store for this unlikely duo.
Nice story
keep on the good work...
Struggling to find time to finish reading this! Been trying ever since you put it up!
No one talked about the scorch mark on the upper deck afterward. The crew gave the pair of them a fairly wide birth, a grace she took advantage of to squirrel herself away below deck again, in the dark. Her thoughts were at once far away and very immediate, She didn't know enough to call shock what it was, and would likely deny it if someone suggested she was shocky. Why would she be shocky? She'd survived after all, and they hadn't. That was a good thing. Shouldn't she be feeling some measure of triumph? The taste of glory in battle on her tongue? She mostly felt like throwing up.
She felt more than saw the approach of someone else. A change in pressure in the hold. She knew if she opened her eyes she would see a momentary flash of light as the hatch was opened- and sure enough she could hear it closing again. Footsteps approached, stride familiar. She could recognize the sound of the doc walking these days.
Doctor Conway saw well enough in the dark, or, well, that was a misnomer; the ghoul could barely see in the traditional sense at all, and that was true whether there were light, or the full darkness he preferred. The smell of blood permeated the hold. The Doctor tried not to think about the way that smell affected him as he stumbled a little and righted himself, heading toward her. He couldn't tell if the scent of bile were her ..or simply left in his senses from the reaction of coming to himself with his mouth full of meat above deck. What he -Could- see was the familiar aura of a familiar figure, huddled in on itself, legs hugged against the chest. The colours were worrisome, muddied and dark with her mood.
He spoke up finally, as he got close to her, voice slightly unsteady. "Angela...? You okay? Injured?" He already knew the answer to that, of course.
" I... No... Yes." The shakiness of her own voice startled her, and she lifted her head a little to look up at the ghoul, her body tensing up, fighting her urge to flinch away from this man, who had saved her life more than once now. Her breath hissed through her teeth as the tensed muscles reminded her vividly of injuries received.
"It's okay, give me the details, I'll fix it." He tried to keep his voice soothing. This was something to hold onto, a point that steadied him. He might be a ghoul now, but he defined himself in his own mind as a doctor, and found comfort in those duties. Fred turns, the house-call bag he always kept ready, now, especially in dangerous places.
"..Gloves, Freddy, you need to put your gloves on." Mercy reminded him, probably unnecessarily. He wanted her to catch what he had nearly as much as she wanted to catch it; which was to say: not at all. Her mind was being uncooperative, skittering from subject to subject.
"They're in the bag," he reassured her gently. "Reduce my sense of touch, though." he grumbled to himself, starting towards her with the bag in hand. A soft grunt answered his grumbling, and then a moment of silence as the woman tried to gather her thoughts into some sense of order, and identify the sources of the pain clouding her thoughts, prodding at chaotic memory as to what caused them.
Her voice startled her, when she spoke again, shakier than she wanted it to be. "...Got hit," she paused and cleared her throat, trying to steady her voice, " a few times, bullet grazed my shoulder." The last of the words were rushed together on a breath.
The doctor wrapped himself in the familiar tasks and role, focusing on it to drown out other thoughts, come unbidden and unwelcomed to his mind "Hit by what? Besides the graze?"He asked her brusquely, setting down beside her and pulling his gloves out, and on over his hands meticulously.
Her half choked laugh and the words that followed it shattered the mental walls he had built for himself. "You ought to remember that."
Memory intruded, fragmented and coloured by rage and hunger, he pushed the images away and mumbled, his cheeks flushed. "... Right. Sorry." he frowned, fumbling a little as he finished slipping on the gloves and looked up at her. The doctor reached out but pulled his hand back as she shifted her position and took hold of the bottom edge of her shirt, puling it up and off, muscles tensed and breath hissing through her teeth as the fabric pulled away from her injured shoulder, and took the half formed scab with it. The scent of blood in the air became fresh again, and he swallowed silently but began gently and professionally applying pain killers to his patient.
The silence stretched a long moment, as she leaned her head back against the hull, her breath uneven, offering finally, almost belatedly, "..Thank you." She meant it for more than just what he was doing for her now. The silence stretched again, though his work, gentle and firm continued as the pain killer set in, and she spoke again. "I wasn't... fast enough. I've never seen anything that fast." The words sounded odd, even to her, with a halting uneven tone.
"You did what you could, Angela. It was enough for now." He answered finally, responding to her distress, trying to calm her before she even recognized the hysteria tickling up inside her for what it was.
"It nearly wasn't," she replied. Her voice had gone high, and she curled her fingers slowly into fist as she recognized the shakiness in them. "I need to be faster than that," that sounded more determined, better.
"... Reminds me of a guy I knew." Fred looked up at her slowly, studying her in the dark, and continued again before she could ask, as her expression became one of puzzlement, her eyes remaining closed. "It was a guy who I worked with as a paramedic. We'd picked up a stabbing victim. We didn't know the knife was poisoned right away. When we found out..." a sigh. "He wasn't fast enough with the antivenin. Not accurate enough with the injection. She lived. But there was permanent damage." A small pause then"... He took himself off medic work for a couple months. I didn't know why till he came back." His voice had a soothing, story telling rhythm, distracting his patient as he stitched her up and figured out how much damage was hidden under the surface of those bruises. Angela's eyes slowly opened and focused on his face, through the contacts in her eyes that made much of little light, among other things. "He'd worked in the morgue, and practiced on first aid dummies... IVs at the hospital. Anywhere he could, to get better at it. We worked a multiple poisoning a month later and he was like a virtuoso. I questioned him about it, and he said to me, 'God gave me a warning shot back then so I could be ready for the REAL one.' "
Angela let her breath out slowly toward the end of his tale, and then smiled faintly for him, murmuring. "I think I like him." Her expression sobers again, eyes going up to the deck above them. "How do you get -faster- though? I mean... not normal fast. I know how you do that- that... He wasn't... normal..." Her thoughts were back on the fight, and her own mortality.
"Practice helps. There are enhancers too though... Wares, mystic tricks. Big league and expensive." He answered her, his hands busy with the task before him, the mess that had been made of her body- and it could have been worse.
"Gonna need money then." She answered, a little distantly. "...A lot of it." She shifted a little, looking at her shoulder and the careful stitching job.
"We'll just have to get work then." Fred smiled for her. "I could get back into stripping."
This got an incredulous look from her , a laugh beginning to tickle up out of her throat. "..Stripping?"
"Sure, I made a ton of money in college," He insisted, the ghoul smiling a little more.
It occurred to her, abruptly, that the doctor was trying to distract her, and cheer her up. It also occurred to her that it was working as she laughed a little. "I don't think that would work out, these days."
The doctor smiled, continuing his work starting to wrap it up, stripping the used gloves off and putting them in a sealed baggy with the wipes he had used "I'll just leave that as a 'plan B' then."
"..You have to be like.. the worst ghoul ever, Fred." Mercy told him, almost admiringly.
"Good." He grinned, closing his bag up with a snap.
Did I have him reading in the dark? If I did its something I need to fix, I generally assume hes blind except for y'know, astral, which is souls spirits and general shapes, and yes I know about the wards as well, they haven't gone into areas with them on the screen.
Yeah, once I'm finished with the thing I'm going through and doing some heavy editing on a few parts, I've been advised if I edit as I go I'll never get through it *chuckle*
Do not know the story in question, no. The urban fantasy I've ready is werewolves vampires elves wizards and necromancers (Well alright the one had a ghoul in it once but he was actually out of his mind and had to be put down...or was it a self aware flesh eating zombie..hmm..) I'd be curious to give that one a try but I -definitely- want to leave it till after this is done, if nothing but for the fact that people are already seeing similarities.
A paramedic ghoul makes a great deal of sense. In any kind of outbreak, the medical staff are the most likely go become infected simply due to exposure. You can wear gloves and take safety precautions, but you can still get infected if one of those systems gets compromised. If you accidentally puncture your gloves while spiking an IV, the best that can happen is that you get made fun of by the other paramedics for making a dumb mistake, the worst case is you now having HIV.
I like the story, I like the characters, and I like their interactions. The inherent revulsion to consuming human flesh is present in almost all cultures [citation needed] and you end up with a very visceral moral dilemma to get to explore. Your Friendly Neighborhood Vampires [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FriendlyNeighborhoodVampire?from=Main.FriendlyNeighbourhoodVampire] have sort of done away with this kind of moral exploration and have become quite acceptable to readers. It seems that when you move from drinking blood to eating meat, some primal reaction just sparks off and hits you in the gut. Good stuff.
Writing mechanics wise, I would recommend never using ellipsis. When you write, they sound good in your head as a method of introducing pauses, but it unfortunately fails from the readers perspective. That is perhaps due to ellipsis abuse on Facebook and Twitter, but it's still a problem.
I like the story, and I admire the courage it takes to expose your writing to the critiques of the faceless mob. Keep it up.
Thanks for the catch - reading in the dark is definitely out, and even with glasses he needs things relatively close to his face, I need to emphasize this, or replace it as you suggested.
Well, since he is blind and has to rely on Astral, he can read only emotions (which, of course, may be exciting in itself, and actually a good quirk for such a character actually). Technical readouts are out. All, of course, based on 3rd Astral; I am not sure if 4th works that way still.
with trodes, he could be able to 'read' matrix documents.
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