 Laughs in the Shadows, Jokes with a Shadowrun twist |
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  Oct 19 2003, 06:38 PM
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#1
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Shooting Target  Group: Members Posts: 1,677 Joined: 5-June 03 Member No.: 4,689  |
The junior sarariman was assigned to Renraku's security staff induction centre, where he was to advise new recruits about their corporation life insurance policy, especially their Security Crew Revised Estimated Withholdings and Evaluated Dividends (SCREWED).
It wasn't long before the centre's security chief noticed that the sarariman had an almost perfect record for insurance sales, something which had never happened before. Rather than ask directly about this, the security chief stood in the back of the room and listened to the sarariman's sales pitch. The sarariman explained the basics of SCREWED to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have the SCREWED policy and end up protecting Renraku in battle against shadowrunners and are killed, Renraku has to pay 200 k :nuyen: to your beneficiaries. If you don't have this policy and are killed while protecting Renraku, our corporation only has to pay your beneficiaries a maximum of 6 k :nuyen: . "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send against the shadowrunners first?" |
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Oct 19 2003, 06:50 PM
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#2
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 745 Joined: 26-July 03 From: Montréal, QC, Canada Member No.: 5,029 |
What's long and hard on the guys from Alamos 20K?
The third grade. Badum-bum. |
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Oct 19 2003, 07:00 PM
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#3
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Neophyte Runner Group: Members Posts: 2,222 Joined: 11-October 02 From: Netherlands and Belgium Member No.: 3,437 |
Talia, that was hilarious. Thanks. ;)
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Oct 19 2003, 07:49 PM
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#4
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Target Group: Members Posts: 97 Joined: 17-March 03 Member No.: 4,269 |
What do you do when there is a Lone Star agent bleeding to death in your front lawn?
Stop laughing, reload, and finish the sucker off. |
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Oct 19 2003, 09:05 PM
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#5
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 283 Joined: 30-September 03 From: Kenmore, NY, USA Member No.: 5,663 |
What do you do when the so called rigger doesn't jack into the vehicle like she is supposed to....
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Oct 19 2003, 09:48 PM
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#6
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 171 Joined: 6-October 03 From: Tempe, Arizona Member No.: 5,692 |
Q: How high can a Dwarf reach?
A: Depends. How much C12 was there under his seat? |
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 Oct 19 2003, 11:40 PM
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#7
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The Sewer Jockey Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 857 Joined: 26-February 02 From: Kent, United Kingdom Member No.: 1,197 |
Has anyone heard the one about the Ork, the Troll and the Fixer?
Nah....... "Knock knock..." "Who's there?" "Lone Star..." "shit..." ... ... ... "Hello? I said, Lone Star!... sir?" |
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Oct 20 2003, 12:43 AM
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#8
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Running Target Group: Members Posts: 1,028 Joined: 9-November 02 From: The Republic of Vermont Member No.: 3,581 |
So the shadowrunner walks into a bar... resist 4L Stun, Impact armor applies.
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Oct 20 2003, 12:45 AM
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#9
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Dragon Group: Members Posts: 4,065 Joined: 16-January 03 From: Fayetteville, NC Member No.: 3,916 |
Were-tiger physical mage.
-Siege |
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Oct 20 2003, 01:10 AM
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#10
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Target Group: Members Posts: 16 Joined: 14-October 03 Member No.: 5,718 |
3 orks walk into a building...
You'd think ONE of 'em woulda seen it. |
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Oct 20 2003, 01:45 AM
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#11
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Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,006 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
Three Snoogs walk into a building.
After coming out the other side, covered in brick and mortar, one of them asks "did you feel a breeze just now?" ~J Note: Snoog was a character in a running game of ours with INT 1 and a custom flaw that effectively meant he had Downes Syndrome. He could also shrug off tank fire, or it felt like he could. |
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Oct 20 2003, 04:26 AM
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#12
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Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,006 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
Some lightbulb jokes, just to get the pain level nice and high...
How many streetsams does it take to change a lightbulb? None, if there's a streetsam you can see by the LEDs on his cyberware. How many deckers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. Maintenance orders are so easy to fake, heh. How many Otaku does it take to change a lightbulb? You're talking about the meat world, aren't you. Go away. How many vehicle riggers does it take to change a lightbulb? There was a lightbulb? I was using thermographic imaging the whole time. How many drone riggers does it take to change a lightbulb? One. First you bring in the L-S Strato-9 to get a good look at the bulb, then you bring in the GM Fix-It with the replacement bulb, then you... How many Faces does it take to change a lightbulb? At least twenty. They're not going to do anything if they can't network over it. How many Humanis Policlubbers does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. One to change it and nine to complain about the dirty trogs who made the bulb burn out. How many Sons of Sauron does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they're all out surrounding the Humanis Policlubbers. How many Spikes does it take to change a lightbulb? The Spikes don't fix things, they break them. How many Steppin' Wulfs does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifty. One to change it, the others to be test subjects for the new cyberware that will allow the one to change the lightbulb more quickly/efficiently/etc. How many CATCo Seraphim does it take to change a lightbulb? You'll never know. How many Otaku does it take to change a lightbulb? Hey, wait... the information was on my computer just a second ago! How many AIs does it take to change a lightbulb? RUN! THEY'VE GOT DOLLS!!! How many Microdeck employees does it take to change a lightbulb? Thousands. One to change the lightbulb, the others to specially design the new lightbulb to suck. How many Mitsuhama executives does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty. One to change it, the other nineteen to ensure that no one else who sees it lives. How many Aztechnology employees does it take to change a lightbulb? Twelve, plus a random victim for the Blood Spirit summoning. How many SotSW players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? They say three, but we've only ever gotten two in one place at a time. ~J |
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Oct 20 2003, 04:29 AM
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#13
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Chrome to the Core Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 3,152 Joined: 14-October 03 From: ::1 Member No.: 5,715 |
Nyuk. So true, though. What's the average Sammie Signature, anyways? -10 or somesuch? :grinbig: |
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Oct 20 2003, 06:24 AM
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#14
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Running Target Group: Members Posts: 1,028 Joined: 9-November 02 From: The Republic of Vermont Member No.: 3,581 |
How many orks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifty-one. One to hold the lightbulb, and fifty to turn the house. How many trolls does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and one to turn the house. How many immortal elves does it take to change a lightbulb? One. He holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him. |
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Oct 20 2003, 07:47 AM
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#15
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Runner Group: Members Posts: 2,901 Joined: 19-June 03 Member No.: 4,775 |
Please. Stop. That.
It hurts. Much. |
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Oct 20 2003, 08:13 AM
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#16
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Neophyte Runner Group: Members Posts: 2,222 Joined: 11-October 02 From: Netherlands and Belgium Member No.: 3,437 |
What?!? No Shaman jokes? I'm hurt.... c'mon, give me your worst, show me the pain! :P
Sphynx, Raven Shaman |
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Oct 20 2003, 08:44 AM
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#17
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Target Group: Members Posts: 97 Joined: 17-March 03 Member No.: 4,269 |
How many honest Immortal Elves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All two of them. |
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Oct 20 2003, 12:58 PM
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#18
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Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,006 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
How many Shamans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hey! Come back here! I didn't say you could take a break now, orders from your totem or no! ~J |
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Oct 20 2003, 01:06 PM
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#19
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 731 Joined: 25-March 02 From: Rye, New York Member No.: 2,470 |
Question: How many trolls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answering troll- "Yeah, like I could fit in a light bulb." :] Think about it. |
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Oct 20 2003, 01:24 PM
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#20
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The Sewer Jockey Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 857 Joined: 26-February 02 From: Kent, United Kingdom Member No.: 1,197 |
:rotfl: |
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Oct 20 2003, 08:52 PM
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#21
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 344 Joined: 28-July 03 Member No.: 5,133 |
How many shaman does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just the one, but what did you want me to turn it into? Kong. |
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Oct 20 2003, 09:17 PM
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#22
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 302 Joined: 20-October 03 Member No.: 5,740 |
(Crossposted)
How many Mantid spirits does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, of course, but only the female leaves... |
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Oct 21 2003, 02:36 AM
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#23
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Dragon Group: Members Posts: 4,065 Joined: 16-January 03 From: Fayetteville, NC Member No.: 3,916 |
How many Johnsons does it take to screw a lightbulb?
One. And a runner named Lightbulb. -Siege |
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Oct 21 2003, 05:27 PM
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#24
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Shooting Target Group: Members Posts: 1,677 Joined: 5-June 03 Member No.: 4,689 |
Seattle judge: How many times have you been convicted for this offence before?
Shadowrunner about to be on hiatus: Five. Judge: Five, is it? Then this time I shall give you the maximum sentence prescribed. Future resident at taxpayers' expense: Maximum? Don't regular customers get a discount? DocWagon's Seattle CEO also served on the board of the local symphony orchestra. Finding that he could not go to one of the concerts, he gave his tickets to his company's director of health care cost containment. The next morning, he asked the director how he had enjoyed the performance. Instead of the usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memo which read as follows: The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations relative to the performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" by this city's symphony orchestra as observed under actual working conditions: * The attendence of the conductor is unnecessary for the public performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the prior authorisation from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined level of quality. Considerable money could be saved merely by having the conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer review meeting. * For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity. * All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical motions. This is unnecessary duplication: the staff of this section should be cut drastically with consequent savings. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has reached high levels of reproductive quality. * Much effort was expanded playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This seems an excessive refinement, as most listeners are unable to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all notes be rounded up to eighth. If this is done, it would also be possible to use trainees and lower grade musicians with no loss of quality. * No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns the same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by the utilisation review committee, the concert would have been reduced from two hours to about 20 minutes, resulting in substantial savings in salaries and overhead. In fact, if Schubert had addressed these concerns on a cost containment basis, he probably would have been able to finish this symphony. |
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Oct 24 2003, 08:39 PM
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#25
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Shooting Target Group: Members Posts: 1,677 Joined: 5-June 03 Member No.: 4,689 |
Okay, so that last one wasn't particularly Shadowrunny - although I see no reason why Schubert's Unfinished Symphony wouldn't have survived ...
Four Awakened shadowrunners in a small remotely-rigged airplane heard the single engine begin to cough and sputter ... and die - and only then discovered that there were only three parachutes on board. The voudoun ork of Ghede did some fast thinking. "Look, guys, I'm nothing exceptional, but I'm cute, I'm pretty good at what I do, I'm pregnant, and I've got a husband and kids at home. So if it's all the same to you, I'm so gone." She waited just long enough for the others to agree - well, it certainly sounded like agreement, although it might have been a cough - before quickly strapping on a parachute and jumping out. The hyper-intelligent Path of the Righ elf (with CH 8 and the Exceptional Attribute: IN Edge - but somehow without either Levitation or air elemental in tow) was only half a breath behind: "Listen, I am a member of Mensa, Intertel, Triple Nine, and the Awakened Elite. I have the highest IQ in the world. I've got Alachia on my fast-call.It would be unfair to allow humanity to lose the priceless resource of my brain power. The loss of my talents would be a blow to the entire elv - uh, human race!" And telepathy must have been one of his talents, because he did not need to wait even to hear agreement spoken aloud before strapping on a pack and jumping out. The third, an older Jedi-style wuxing magician adept, looked at the young Coyote shaman who remained. "Look, son, you might as well take the last parachute and save yourself." But the young shaman only grinned: "We still have two parachutes left. The last guy who jumped out took my knapsack." |
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Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 3rd December 2024 - 03:40 AM |
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