Laughs in the Shadows, Jokes with a Shadowrun twist Options

[Smiley]

Despite the fact that i'm not a big fan of the Army (in fact, that's putting it rather mildly) and despite the fact that ol' boy knocks Marines a little, I still have to admit that the food coloring in the whiz quiz bottles was pretty funny.

[TimeKeeper]

Mom's in the Army. I'm going to send her this.
(She games as well.)

The boots. I cried I was laughing so hard.
For those that don't know the major shoe polish the military uses is Kiwi brand.

And i've done the electrical tape. :D

[Smiley]

Hell yes, it's a major pain to keep your boots shiny. Thank god we have those suede ones now. No more polishing.

[Voran]

Kept my cool up until:

52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.

[simonw2000]

FYI, the mouthwash thing was from the film Toy Soldiers. Nice move to get booze into campus.

[Sahandrian]

[Lilt]

[Kagetenshi]

Ghostwalker was in ROTC with you? ;)

~J

[Sahandrian]

Only if Ghostwalker's human form is a short fat kid with thick glasses and a lisp.

[Phaeton]

[Drain Brain]

I've got the original, if anyone wants it - just send me an address... I admit I kinda fudged things a bit so it would fit here and not be expunged - I had to do it though, so that I could share the hilarity with you all! :P

[Abstruse]

You Know You've Played Shadowrun Too Much When...

1. You know Dunkelzahn's SIN, but not your own SS#.
2. You know what Orbital Bovine Bombardment is.
3. Your list of house rules is bigger than the BBB.
4. You don't understand why people giggle when you talk about Fastjack.
5. When someone mentions a "glacier", you don't think of a river of ice.
6. You've spent more than a week arguing on a thread about what calibre an Ares Predator would be when you've never fired a real gun in your life.
7. You've read Dunkelzahn's will and thought about claiming one of the bequests...and I mean YOU, not your character.
8. You can make a complete character without opening a single book.
9. You've ever tried to figure out the initiative of John Preston from Equilibrium.
10. Your dice bag is registered as a lethal weapon.
11. You can't understand why "nuyen" isn't in your word processing program's spellchecker's dictionary.
12. Nuyen IS in your spellchecker's dictionary.
13. You've tried to use astral perception before.
14. You lost points on a research paper for spelling it "artwinkulation" without noticing.
15. The only reason you read Slashdot is to find out if it anyone has developed a datajack yet.

Anyone else have any good ones?

The Abstruse One

[Omega Skip]

If...
- the woman at the cash register gives you a strange look as you say "Hold on, I'll just use my credstick..."
- you complain (repeatedly) about the cancellation of "The Odd Coven"
- you find yourself explaining to your co-worker (and half an hour later, to your boss) that the stuff you drew on the floor really is your hermetic circle
- you get nervous twitches whenever somebody yells "Food fight!"
- you tried to banish you gym/maths/whatever teacher
- you've ever been pulled over at night by a cop, because "You see officer, I'm an elf, and we have perfect night vision, so there's no need for me to use my headlights"
- or alternatively "I got built-in flare comp, magnification and light amplification chummer, so you can just take your LoneStar badge and cram it up your ***!"
- you've ever asked your local dealer for any of the following: Bliss, Burn, Cram, Nitro, Novacoke, or Zen
- you ever told your mom "I don't need to go to bed yet, I got a sleep regulator."
- you ever tried to dikote any of your friends and... well, maybe not.

[Reaver]

Stolen from the Blue Man Group (for those who know who they are) :D

----------------------------

Thank you for purchasing the Shadowrunner Instruction Manual. Now you can join the thousands of other satisfied Shadowrunners who have used these helpful guidelines to create the perfect running experience.

Before we begin, here are a few warm-up exercises. Start by loosening your shoulders. The shoulders have a rich tradition of movement throughout running history, allowing you to use your weapons more effectively. You will need to find the shoulder movement that is right for you.

Here's a rhythm for you to move your shoulders to:

(wait for 8-beat rhythm to begin playing)

Now expand your movement exploration to include the rest of your body. As you move, you should begin to develop a repertoire of practiced moves that you can use during your run.

Using practiced moves is one of the best ways to deflect attention away from shortcomings in other areas, such as shooting or sword swinging. Do not worry about how becoming fatigued from fighting might hinder your ability to aim or swing your weapon accurately. Thanks to recent advances in cybertechnology and bioware, today's Shadowrunners can focus their attention exclusively on movement, without being distracted by details such as hitting the right body parts or expressing emotion.

Let's review some of the standard Shadowrun Movements that you'll want to perform during your run:
#1: The Basic Zig-Zag
#2: The One-Armed Pistol Shot
#3: The Up-and-Down Shoot From Cover
#6: The Two Arm Upward Thrust With a Katana
#8: The Black Ice
#10: Getting a Closer Look at the Enemy
#15: Bringing a Guest Shadowrunner to the Meet
#18: Waiting Around for the Next Shadowrun
#23: Getting the Enemy to Play Along
#27: Saying Hello to the Suits in the Cubicles
#28: Bringing a Security Guard Up Before Crushing His Hopes
#63: Bringing Out the Vindicator
#78: The Fake Ending
#91: Enjoying the T-Shirt You Snagged While Running in the Arcology.
#237: Taking the Wage-Slaves on a Jungian Journey into the Collective Unconscious by Using the Shadow as a Metaphor for the Private Self that Gets Repressed by the Modern Persona, and Also by Using an Underground Setting and Labyrinth Office Design to Represent Both the Depths of the Psyche and the Dungeon-like Isolation of our Increasingly Mechanistic Society that Prevents People from Finding Satisfying Work or Meaningful Connections with Others.

Now that you are playing the role of "shadowrunner", you will need to develop a running persona. You can start by altering your appearance in ways to help you blend in. You may need to work on your personality. If you do not have a lot of natural charisma, you can compensate with a descriptive name, such as “Nemisis,” “Edge”, "Slash", or "Scary Spice".

Once you have established your reputation in your field, it is important that you pay tribute to some of the great shadow- running legends that came before you. This kind of gesture will create the illusion that you are still humble and serve as preemptive strike against anyone who has noticed what a callous and delusional ass you have become.

[Phaeton]

:| :? :? :? :? :?

[Omega Skip]

Well, I think that was pretty funny. The name thing cracked me up good, because I've seen (and killed) guys with those names. :D

[Toptomcat]

The whole Shadowrun conversion of Skippy's List inspired me to make this.

A street samurai enters a fixer’s.
Samurai: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The fixer does not respond.)
S: 'Ello, Miss?
Fixer: What do you mean "miss"?
S: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
F: We're closin' for lunch.
S: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this decker what I hired not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
F: Oh yes, the, uh, the dwarven security specialist...What's,uh...What's wrong with him?
S: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with ‘im!
F: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's decking.
S: Look, matey, I know a dead decker when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
F: No no he's not dead, he's, he's deckin'! Remarkable man, my dwarven decker, idn'e, ay? Beautiful methods!
S: His methods don't enter into it. He's stone dead.
F: Nononono, no, no! 'E's decking!
S: All right then, if he's decking', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the dwarf)
'Ello, Mister Dwarven Decker! I've got a lovely fresh credstick for you if you show...(fixer hits his cyberdeck)
F: There, he moved!
S: No, he didn't, that was you hitting his deck!
F: I never!!
S: Yes, you did!
F: I never, never did anything...
S: (yelling and hitting the deck repeatedly) 'ELLO DECKY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Jacks dwarf out of the deck and thumps his head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
S: Now that's what I call a dead decker.
F: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
S: STUNNED?!?
F: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Deckers stun easily, major.
S: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That decker is definitely deceased, and when I hired ‘im not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged shadowrun.
F: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
S: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
F: This dwarven decker prefers deckin' on his back! Remarkable man, id'e, squire? Lovely methods!
S: Look, I took the liberty of examining that decker when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been jacked into its deck in the first place was that the jack had been GLUED there.
(pause)
F: Well, o'course it was glued there! If I hadn't glued that jack down, ‘e would have nuzzled up to that datajack, bent it apart with ‘is nails, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
S: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this dwarf wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
F: No no! 'E's pining!
S: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This decker is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't glued ‘im to the deck 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-DECKER!!
(pause)
F: Well, I'd better replace him, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
F: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of deckers.
S: I see. I see, I get the picture.
F: I got a shaman.
(pause)
S: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does he deck?
F: N-n-n-not really.
S: WELL HE'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS HE?!!???!!?
F: Look, if you go to my brother's place in the NAN, he'll replace the decker for you.
S: The NAN, eh? Very well.
The samurai leaves.
The samurai enters the same meeting place. The fixer is putting on a false moustache.
S: This is the NAN, is it?
F: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
S: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
S: I wish to complain, NA-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
S: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
S: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these skits out to 200 lines, you know.
S: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the NAN train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is the NAN.
S: (to the camera) The fixer's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame North American Rail for that.
S: In that case, I shall return to the fixer’s!
He does.
S: I understand this IS the NAN.
F: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
S: You told me it was Ipswitch!
F: ...It was a pun.
S: (pause) A PUN?!?
F: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
S: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
F: Yeah, that's it!
S: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "NAN" would be "NAN"!! It doesn't work!!
F: Well, what do you want?
S: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly…
FIN



For those of you who don't get it, it's a rework of Monty Python's dead parrot sketch.

[Phaeton]

.....................................:rotfl:

That. Was. WONDERFUL.

[Abstruse]

You Know You've Been Playing Shadowrun Too Much When...(part 2)

16. You have reservations to be in Denver at Cherry Creek Lake on January 27, 2012 so you can ask to be in on the Nanosecond Buyout.
17. You understand what that means.
18. A man named Sean Laverty in Oregon has told ou repeatedly he doesn't know what a "spike baby" is and to please stop calling!!
19. Your grandmother gets a hip replaced and you ask how much essence it cost.
20. You giggle when the TV ad comes on for the knifes that are diamond-coated.
21. You've bugged operators asking if they can coat your ally spirit.
22. You laugh when someone uses the name "Nemesis" as a username.
23. You can name more hit songs by Maria Mercurial than by Marilyn Manson.
24. While in an argument with a friend, you've said "A troll hooker WOULD charge just as much BECAUSE she's bigger!" and neither of you thought it was odd.
25. You've gone looking for a Century Ferret.
26. You keep your sector pass from the Denver Boxed Set in your wallet because you're sure you'll need it eventually (mine's a CAS residency pass).
27. The people at the real Universal Brotherhood don't know anything about bugs, but thanks you for the case of Raid.
28. You've ever calculated the damage code of a cream pie.
29. You've ever had to explain to law enforcement why you're thinking of ways to sneak weapons past security and that it had nothing to do with terrorism.
30. You've made a list of how to know you've played Shadowrun too much.

The Abstruse One

[Backgammon]

Someone posted this a while back. I think it had been slightly adapted to shadowrun, but I couldn't find it so here is the original as found on the internet:

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment,
please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name: ...................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name ...................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ...................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........


2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified


3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /......
4. Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
{_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one


7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat


8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq


9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the
near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon


10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student


13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which
you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be
registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

[kevyn668]

I've seen that one before only it had already been converted to SR. The new company was Ares...I wish I could remember where it was.

[nezumi]

Here you go:

http://www.intercom.net/user/logan1/warranty.htm

[Kagetenshi]

Whatever you do, don't check the "Default on loans" box unless you've paid for your product in full.

~J

[Phaeton]

Because when you order from Ares, either you pay, or you PAY. ;)

[Number 6]