Laughs in the Shadows, Jokes with a Shadowrun twist Options

[Abstruse]

Ways to Know You're Playing Shadowrun Too Much (Part Three)

31. You can speak Sperethiel.
32. Using Rigger 3, you've made at least two vehicals in Shadowrun who can exceed the speed of sound.
33. ...and it was a Dodge Scoot.
34. You have more funny stories about stuff your character did at a party than you do about yourself.
35. You pick a cell phone and think "Wow, I didn't know a full kilogram was so light!"

The Abstruse One

[kevyn668]

[simonw2000]

[Nikoli]

I think they are referring to the Real Universal Brotherhood, it's an actual, real world charitable organization.

[Reaver]

[Abstruse]

Universal Brotherhood
Aztechnology
Fuchi Electronics
Shiawase (kinda)
Wuxing Hotel?
Novatech #1
Novatech #2

Gets a little scary, ne?

The Abstruse One

[Connor]

Don't forget Ares!

[Abstruse]

I thought there was an Ares in Aerospace and heavy machinery, but I couldn't find it...thanks.

The Abstruse One

[simonw2000]

[Ghoste]

The hot black elf chick dancing away in Club Penumbra slides up to a good looking guy and whispers in his ear, 'Wanna buy a girl a drink?'

'Sorry,' the guy say, 'I like my women the way I like my coffee.'

'Tall, black with a little sugar?' she asks hopefully, showing off her goods.

'Nah,' he replies. 'Ground up and in the freezer.'

----------------------------------------------------------

After the staggering losses of life in the wake of the VITAS plague Heaven had never fully recovered. Even today God has a standing order with St. Peter to only let souls through the gates if they've had a real bad day when they die.

One day a Corpsec guard approaches tha gates and St. Peter explains the limitation to him.

'Have I had a bad day?' the guard asks. 'Listen to this. I was working late at an R&D facility when someone broke in. On the second floor we isolate the room the guy is in but when we storm in he's gone. I hear some sounds coming from the window and I look out. This scumbag dressed up as a researcher is hanging out there so I start smacking his fingers until he lets go. Eventually he falls off but some bushes break his fall. By this stage I get real mad and I grab this big refridgeration unit and throw it after him. The strain is so much and I'm so worked up that I suffer a heart attack and die!'
'Hmm. Thats a pretty bad day,' St. Peter admits. 'In you go.'

Soon after a corp researcher arrives and is asked to explain how bad his day was.

'Listen to this,' he says. 'I was working late at an R&D facility on the third floor testing a new prototype weapon we've developed. Unfortunately, the recoil is so powerful that I was knocked out the window by it. Luckily I caught myself on the floor below but before I can pull myself up this crazy guard sticks his head out and starts smacking my fingers. I fell off but my fall was broken by some bushes. Then this guy lugs this big refridgeration unit out the window and drops it on me. I was killed instantly.
'Yep, that's a bad day. In you go.'

Soon after a shadowrunner approaches the gates and St. Peter gives him the run down.

'Bad day, huh? Listen to this,' he says. 'I broke into this R&D facility but triggered the alarm. The guards were nearly on me so I hid in this big refridgeration unit...'

[Dim Sum]

A hot elven chicca admires a bronzed Adonis in a military uniform from across the room at a Club Penumbra. His ribbons show him to be a decorated veteran of the Desert Wars. The elf chick feels her body flush in anticipation just looking at him. She glides towards him in her slinky red outfit.

"Hey, soldier," she says in a husky voice.
"Ma'am." The soldier nods curtly in response.
"You look like you could use some company," she says, licking her lips.
"Ma'am, thank you, no, ma'am."
"When was the last time you had sex?" she asks as she caresses his butt.
"2054, ma'am!"
"Wow, it's been a long time, then," she whispers into his ear.
"No, ma'am! It's only 2102 now!"

[Dim Sum]

Five runners in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
An Italian Customs & Immigration agent stops them and tells them, "You can'ta go any further. Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal??" asks the surprised rigger.
"'Quattro' means 'four' in Italian," replies the Italian official.
"'Quattro' is the name of the automobile!" the decker of the group retorts in disbelief.
"Look at the registration papers," says the rigger now becoming angry, "this car is designed to carry five persons!"
The Italian agent holds up a hand, "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me. 'Quattro' means 'four' and you hava fiva people in your car, so you are breakin'a the law."

As the others covertly ready their weapons, the rigger fumes, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over right now! We want to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," replies the Italian calmly, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with two guys ina Fiat Uno."

[Phaeton]

[Joker9125]

[Garland]

Seriously? C'mon, military time! :spin:

[Dim Sum]

Well, Siege knows I just love hellhounds ... :D

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company. One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a hellhound heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the hellhound is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious hellhound. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the hellhound halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the hellhound. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the hellhound. So, off he goes after the hellhound. But the dingo sees him heading after the hellhound with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the hellhound, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the hellhound. The hellhound is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the hellhound coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dingo sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another hellhound!"

[Dim Sum]

Eddie, the Club Penumbra bartender is sitting quietly at home reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on his head with a frying pan.
"OUCH!!! What was that for??!!" he cries.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it!" she replies.
"Two weeks ago, when I went to the races, 'Mary Lou' was the name of one of the hellhounds I bet on!!!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, I had no idea! I'm so sorry, darling!"

Three days later, Eddie is again sitting in his easy chair reading his papers when his wife nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he says groggily, "What the hell was that for??"
"YOUR HELLHOUND CALLED!!"

[Dim Sum]

The Pope goes to visit the Ork Underworld in Seattle. As he's finishing his speech on comparative religions, Donny the Dwarf raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No, Donny," replies the Pontiff, "there are not."
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?" Donny asks.
"No, Donny," the Pope chuckles, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Donnyy begins to sound desperate, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No, Donnyy," the Pope says sadly, not wanting to disappoint him, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And, softly in the background, Donny's friends start chanting, "Donny screwed a penguin, Donny screwed a penguin."

[Dim Sum]

Famous Last Words in the Sixth World:


I'll set the world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

The odds of that happening are a million to one!

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mama bear is?

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

Rat poison only kills rats.

It can't possibly rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Nice doggie ....

I can do that with my eyes closed.


Have a good weekend, y'awl! :D

[Abstruse]

More Famous Last Words:

"I'm going to challenge Perianwyr to a drinking contest while we wait for the Johnson..." (True story, poor little mage...)

Street Sam: "I'll go through the metal detector first..."

"You said there's a cockroach in the other room? Don't be a fraidy cat, I'll go squish it..."

Mage: "I cast a Deadly manaball He'll never expect it since I'm in astral space!"

"I'm sure Lofwyr won't miss one little gem..."

"What do you mean 'spare clips'? I didn't get any of those..."

Elf Face: "Another friggin' Troll Thrash band?!"

"So, we just steal this manuscript from a publishing company? Sounds easy!"

The Abstruse One

[Backgammon]

[Abstruse]

One month...just one month...Food Fight, Mercurial, then they get to steal the book...I can't friggin' wait!! :vegm:

The Abstruse One

[TinkerGnome]

Heh, cool. I just picked that module up used not long ago. I'd love a chance to use it... I even rewrote the host in the first adventure for 3e some time back (it's posted around here somewhere).

[Abstruse]

I know, I saved it on my hard drive :P I'm going to go through and do a thorough update to 3rd Ed and customize it to challenge my players too.

The Abstruse One

[TinkerGnome]

If you bother updating everything, there are a lot of people (including myself) who would likely be interested in the update tidbits ;)