Laughs in the Shadows, Jokes with a Shadowrun twist Options

[Sargrak]

May I ask which scenario that one is?

[danbot37]

What do you call an adept power that mimics a spell, inflicting small razor like incisionson the opponents face?

a knick-knack


Jack Shadowrunner and Joe Veteran are sitting in a bar discussing their latest runs.
"We really got screwed on our last run. Half the team was geeked," Jack told him.
"Why? What happened?" asked Joe.
"Seems like everywhere we went, Fuchi was right there waiting for us and the target we extracted!"
"How did they manage that?"
"Turns out the guy had some hi-tech internal tracker in his headware."
"Oh, S.H.I.T. for brains. Definitely Villiers' MO."

[kevyn668]

[xizor]

what does a ex- corporate rigger mutter when his favorite drone gets shot down?

"you'll be hearing from my lawye- Luftwaffe!"

[Toptomcat]

This had me in tears of laughter when it was currant, let's see if anyone's got anything new to add.

[Kagetenshi]

[Fresno Bob]

[Kagetenshi]

Next up on tonight's barrel of fun, we slowly extract bones from your body with rusty tools.

~J

[Solstice]

[Drain Brain]

Hey guys… thought I’d resurrect this thread with a variation on an email I received entitled “Say No to Special Ops” – modified, of course, for SR… and by way of confession - I picked out my favourites in bold. Sorry…

Top 100 things I'd do if I joined a Shadowrunning Team.

1. I would refuse to go into the underground research facility.

2. I would refuse to go into the deep-space research facility.

3. I would refuse to go into the deep-sea research facility.

4. I would refuse to go into the radio-blacked out colony.

5. I would refuse to go into the derelict (alien or otherwise) ship.

6. I would refuse to go into the abandoned ghost ship.

7. If I was then forced into attempting any of the above six missions, I would attempt to join a Corp Strike Team. Selling out to the powers that be is preferable to what awaits.

8. When going on a mission, I would certainly carry more than one gun. I would carry as many as humanly possible.

9. In line with #8, I would carry more than one clip per gun. I have a belt, and I intend to fill it.

10. If the hallways of the operations area are big enough to allow it, I intend to bring along a small field artillery piece as well.

11. No matter what my team’s leader says, if my job is to plant a nuclear device to destroy the facility/ship, it is not necessary for me to endanger my life by travelling to the centre of the structure to plant the bomb, I'm sure the entrance will prove just as effective.

12. If my job is to disable the AI system that runs the facility/ship, and this would require me to go to the centre of the structure, I will just plant a small nuclear device at the entrance. If the blast doesn't get it, the EMP will.

13. If I am equipped with body armour, and it proves ineffective against whatever killed everyone in the facility/ship, I will ditch it and use the saved weight to carry more guns.

14. Along the same lines, if the body armour is ineffective and so are the guns, I will ditch both and set a new track record on my way out of the ops area.

15. I will refuse to wear any helmet that restricts my peripheral vision and does not allow me to see something rising up/dropping down right beside me.

16. I will request to be equipped with a helmet that has a small HUD linked to a camera on the back of my helmet. An additional HUD linked to an upward-pointing top mounted camera would be nice as well.

17. If I am going into some top secret facility that has lost radio communication with the outside world, I will make damn sure that I am in possession of a high quality, up to date map in a form that will not be rendered unreadable by contact with liquid.

18. If I could not obtain a map, and found myself lost/trapped in the facility, I would not rely on the unstable, homicidal central AI to provide me with escape routes.

19. If I am inside a facility/ship after the shit has hit the fan, and find myself without a map, I will head to the nearest computer terminal and consult Yahoo! Maps. The facility was built by a corporation or the government, and they can certainly afford an internet connection.

20. If there is a self-destruct mechanism or impenetrable blast doors set on a running timer within the building/ship I am ordered to enter, I will guard the entrances until the timer runs out, then leave. The problem will take care of itself eventually, so there is no need to risk myself.

21. If mine is not the first team to be sent into the area, I will take a little time off to wonder why.

22. If the atmospheric background music suddenly gets really creepy, start spinning around with your finger on the trigger. Whoever was guarding your back is probably gone by this point anyway.

23. Before I go on each run, I will rent Aliens, Resident Evil, Event Horizon, and other similar sims for pointers. I will defer the costs to my Johnson as "training expenses".

24. If there is something dripping from the ceiling up ahead, I won't bother to check if it's just water. I will leave the area immediately by the quickest available route.

25. If I hear odd noises, I will not be foolish enough to investigate it alone. I will take a friend. Or two. Each preferably carrying a Panther Canon.

26. If I am ordered to investigate the noise by my team leader, I will take everyone else in the squad with me. By the time we return to where he was waiting, the problem will probably have solved itself.

27. If I am forced to walk underneath a hole in the ceiling, I will be cautious. I will investigate it thoroughly with high explosives.

28. Likewise, If I hear odd noises coming from the ceiling, I will not lift up a panel and stick my head up to have a look around. I will lift up the panel and shove a grenade up there.

29. Similarly, if I am forced to pass a hole/grate in the walls or floor, I will throw a grenade in to make sure its clear now, and set proximity mines to make sure it is clear later.

30. Unless it is my last chance for survival, I will never go into any type of ventilation shaft. I know that whatever chased me up there will almost certainly be able to move faster than me in an enclosed space.

31. I will always take some sort of sword with me in addition to a multitude of projectile weapons. That way, when I run out of ammunition, and I will, I won't have to ineffectually slap at an opponent before being killed.

31(a). Addendum: This “sword” will NOT be a Katana, nor any other form of specialised or Martial Arts weapon. ESPECIALLY if I do not know the associated Martial Art.

32. Knowingly entering a facility where illegal genetic research is being preformed would be consigning myself to death by stupidity. Therefore, I wouldn't enter, even if this entailed killing the rest of my team to avoid it.

33. I would never enter a dark room. I would throw in a handful of grenades and move on, assured that if anything is still alive in there, it isn't happy.

34. I wont make the mistake of shooting something with my smallest gun first, and then working my way up through the larger firearms. I would start with my biggest gun, and if that didn't work, run like hell.

35. If I was sent off with only one companion, I would make sure it is someone I could outrun. That way, I can get away while whatever was chasing us chews on him.

36. If there are women on the team, I will never sleep with them right before a mission. One or the other of us will almost certainly not make it back, and I don't like 50/50 odds.

37. If a team-member disappears mysteriously for a long period of time and the just as mysteriously reappears, I will shoot them immediately and save myself a lot of trouble.

38. I will periodically look up. The importance of this can never be overstated.

39. If I am in a genetic research lab and there are lots of cages whose steel doors have been torn out, I will think about how much punishment those doors could take. Then I will think about how much punishment my frail human body can take. Then I will start thinking about where those exits were.

40. No matter how tempted I am, I will never deactivate the main power in a research facility. I know those doors are magnetically locked and electrified for a reason.

41. I will also never deactivate the main computer in a facility. Even though its automated defences may be slaughtering the rest of the team, they are still holding back whatever killed the original occupants.

42. I will stay away from any elevators. Nothing good ever comes from an elevator in these situations.

42(a). If forced into an elevator, my first priority will be to shoot out the “pipe music” speakers. Nobody wants that…

43. I will never negotiate with whatever is trying to kill my team. The dialogue will almost certainly be along the lines of "Me hungry, you food".

44. If one of my team-members gets bitten, cut, sprayed with, or otherwise exposed to a bio-agent, I will kill them immediately. They will only turn on me, and the antidote never works anyway.

45. The sexiest female will always make it out, mainly because she is surrounded by men who willingly throw themselves in the path of anything that attempts to harm her. I will stay close to that female, and when I am the last male left, I will throw her in the path of whatever is attempting to harm us.

46. I will make sure that when I finally make my exit from the ops area, I have conserved a decent amount of ammunition. Something always goes wrong during the escape.

47. If I find only one survivor from among 500 or so people, I will not trust them. They had to do something to survive the carnage that killed 500 people, and I don't think it was just run really fast.

48. I will make sure the team will under no circumstances split up. It never helps.

49. If upon arriving in the ops area I hear a lot of screams from inside or see a lot of obviously mutilated dead bodies, I will leave the ops area and come back later. With more people. And bigger guns.

50. I will train myself to keep my cool under pressure well enough to hit a head sized target at a range of 10 feet.

51. I will request that any ops team I am a part of be issued body armour with environmental resistance, which provides protection from things like fire, airborne viruses, and acid.

52. I will also request that aforementioned armour have a reflective mirrored surface, to help with those pesky automated laser defences.

53. If I see something in the shadows up ahead that at first glance does not appear human, I will forgo taking the time for a second look and lob a grenade at it instead.

54. If I see something in the shadows up ahead that at first glance appears vaguely human, I will forgo taking the time for a second look and lob a grenade at it instead.

55. If I see something in the shadows up ahead that at first glance appears human, I will forgo taking the time for a second look and lob a grenade at it instead. Better safe than sorry.

56. If multiple survivors are found during the course of the mission, they will be given a gun and told to make themselves useful.

57. However, if these survivors created or want to study whatever depopulated the facility/ship, they will not be given guns as they cannot be trusted to use them at the crucial moment, due to their conflict of interests.

58. Between runs I will lobby with my corporate contacts for legislature to require all secret research facilities to have heavily stocked ammo dumps in easily accessible, well marked locations.

59. If my team is required to use motion detectors, they better be able to scan 360 degrees, not merely 90.

60. If the body count is currently over 500, I will politely inform my Johnson that a five-man runner team isn't going to cut it.

61. If any member of the team is prone to claustrophobia, diver's high, space-mania, or panic attacks, I will deliver a request to the CO that they be left behind, instead of just being given a pep talk.

62. If any member of the team proves to be a corporate/government spy, I will shoot them before anyone else can react, saving the trouble of taking them prisoner only so they can escape later and sabotage the mission.

63. I will recommend that any form of transportation we have be parked well away from the trouble spot, and that the rigger stays in it and keeps the doors sealed until the team is standing outside and ready to leave.

64. If we have a spare transport I will recommend that we have a spare rigger as well, to save having to remote control fly the transport in if something happens to the first, or his RC deck…

65. If any member of the team takes a revolver on the mission, I will take it from them, hand them an automatic, and then slap them silly for being so stupid.

66. I will ensure that all guns have perfectly calibrated laser sights, even if I must pay for them myself, so that missing a headshot is inexcusable.

67. If the team gets out of an operations area and find we are missing a man, I will recommend we leave his ass. He should have kept up in the first place.

68. If our mission is to shut down a rogue AI, I will not discuss our plans in any room with a visible camera and/or audio pickup.

69. Screw shoulder-mounted flashlights, I’m getting thermo on my Cybereyes, even if the cost has to come out of my paycheck.

70. The same goes for little pen-lights. I will carry a 3 foot mag-lite with a halogen bulb. That way, not only do I get a huge flashlight range, it can double as a club in tight situations.

70(a). I will also take spare batteries…

71. If I am low on ammunition, I won't hesitate to roll the bodies of my team-mates for ammo. They certainly don't need it anymore.

72. If I learn that the beings we are fighting have acid for blood or that their blood contains some sort of bio-agent, I will make damn sure I am at least 15 feet away from any I shoot.

73. If my team possesses an APC, but it won't fit into the corridors of the ops area, I'll rectify the situation with explosives instead of going in on foot.

74. Just in case my opponents will be using cloaking devices that short out upon contact with water, I will always carry a small super-soaker pistol with me on missions.

75. If I am forced to pick a position within a facility from which to make a last stand, it will not be a room which can easily be breached by going above the ceiling or under the floor.

76. If I hear a low hissing or moaning directly behind me, I will take off running without thinking. Whatever it is, its first bite of me is going to be ass.

77. If anyone in the team has a flamethrower, I will make sure everyone else is trained to instinctively duck whenever he even begins to turn around.

78. When the team's mission is to plant a bomb I will make sure we have more than one bomb, and more than one person who knows how to plant it.

79. If I am going into an area in where research in biological warfare was occurring, I will not remove my gas mask before entering the facility.

80. If there is a countdown to an explosion or the sealing off of the facility, I will set my watch timer 10 minutes ahead of that to give myself a margin of safety.

81. If any of the people we've rescued or one of my team members starts to convulse and scream, ill have the guy with the flamethrower hose them down and then move on. If it is the napalm guy I'll just shoot the tank. Whatever made them do it, I seriously doubt it was a cramp.

82. If my team has heavy weaponry with us, I will not wait until there are only a few people left and we are surrounded and in dire straits to use them. I will use them as early and as often as possible.

83. Similarly, if I have a large contingent of Corporate Artillery outside, and find out that there are no survivors in a heavily infested area, I will call for an immediate bombardment of the hot zone.

84. If I hear odd noises coming from a grate nearby, I won't stare quizzically at it and shine a weak flashlight beam through the grate, I will immediately empty my current clip into the grate then kick it in and send a grenade into the tunnel.

85. If we have prisoners, and one of them is talking to me steadily in a calm voice while staring behind me, I will immediately dive to the side and roll to hose whatever was about to attack me. I will show the same response if a team-member looks behind me with an expression of horror.

86. If I address a query to the guy that should be behind me, and receive no immediate response, I will immediately break into a dead run, dropping grenades along the way.

87. If I find that rooms marked on my map as dining halls turn out to be full of stasis chambers and odd piping instead, I will immediately leave the ops area and refuse to enter until I get a damn good explanation.

88. If we manage to ambush whatever was killing us, and I hear a high pitched beeping and it starts laughing, I will be smart enough to just start running, instead of searching it for the timer.

89. I will never walk through water any deeper than I can see down into. I won't walk in the water period if there is electric cabling nearby, or if there is any chance of a naturally aquatic enemy, such as genetically modified UBER-Merrow with attitude problems…

90. Any transports that we bring into the ops area and intend to use to escape will have cameras on the outside to allow us to scan for unwanted guests.

91. Along the same line, the landing bay/pad we return to will have several large turrets to take care of any stowaways we miss.

92. I will point out to my superiors that if the corporation/government has enough money to fund an 8 man Shadowrun team, they have enough damn money to buy us a drone with cameras that we can send in to scout the area first.

93. My favoured method of advance down a dark corridor will be with a five man team, the first man hosing down the corridor in front, the second throwing a grenade, the third hauling the huge cart of ammo and explosives the fourth throwing a grenade behind us, and the fifth hosing down the corridor behind. Take five steps, repeat.

94. My favoured method of advance down a well-lit corridor will be with a five man team, the first man hosing down the corridor in front, the second throwing a grenade, the third hauling the huge cart of ammo and explosives the fourth throwing a grenade behind us, and the fifth hosing down the corridor behind. Take ten steps, repeat.

95. If a cat comes flying out of a vent, scaring the shit out of me, I will unload a clip into the vent. Something scared the cat.

96. I will hold the belief that heavy breathing from the nearby darkness is not to be investigated. It is to be used for target practice.

97. Warning shots are for whusses. Fire for effect, that's my motto.

98. If the other people with me have all disappeared, I won't bother wandering around the immediate area looking for them and yelling their names, peering into dark rooms.

99. When any member of my squad dies, I will have them hosed down with the flamethrower or plant a proximity mine on them. No use feeding or increasing the numbers of whatever is trying to kill us.

100. If I die on a mission, it will be because I snapped my neck trying to look everywhere at once.

[L.D]

I love number 34. :D

[DocMortand]

[Joe Outside]

Small thermonuclear explosives for setting off at entrance.

Duct tape. There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape. 8)

[ES_Riddle]

[Joe Outside]

It'll just take a few more rolls. :D

[Fortune]

[DocMortand]

Gah! How could I forget duct tape?? How else do you affix directional mines on walls? *grin*

Hmm...what jokes about mines are there?

[kevyn668]

Duct tape fixes everything but your love life.

[ Spoiler ]

And even then... :D

[hyzmarca]

An Elf mage walks into his regular bar, a small pub that caters to the magically active. As he walks in, he hears the sound of a beautiful piano solo. Thinking the owner has purchased a new jukebox, he looks around and sees a Dwarf that he doesn't recognize playing a piano in a corner.
The Elf goes to the bar and asks the Troll bartender, "Where did the piano player come from?"
The Troll reaches behind the bar and pulls out an antique oil lamp. "This strange talismonger came in a few nights ago with a group of people. They ran up a didn't have enough money to pay, so they offered to pay off the debt with this. It is pretty old, and seems to be some type of focus."
The mage assenses the lamp, confirming that it is indeed magical, but he still doesn't understand what this has to do with the piano player.
The troll places the lamp on the bar and tells the Elf to rub it. The Elf complies and a Bound Spirit pours out of the lamp. The spirit appears to be a stereotypical Genie, complete with flamboyant ancient Persian clothing and a bad fake Arabian accent. "Master of the lamp, I shall grant you 1 wish. Speak your heart's desire and it shall be so."
The Elf, still astraly percieving, can measure the spirit's force but can see that it is absurdly huge. Knowing not to look a gift horse in the mouth he makes his wish. "I wish for a certified credstick with a million nuyen"
The Genie blinks and replies "It is done" As the genie pours back into the lamp a breadstick pops into the Elf's hand. "I didn't wish for a breadstick!!", complains the mage.
As the sky opens up and naked human men begin to fall from the Astral Rift, the Troll turns to the Elf and asks rehtoricaly "And you think I wished for a three-foot pianist?"

The moral of this story, bon't buy a large quanity of something unless you're sure you can carry it all.

[DocMortand]

[Talia Invierno]

Groan :spin:

Important Warnings and Instructions for the Model XP-200 Stepladder

Important: This product contains a warning label known to the California Free State to cause cancer.

Not for use by shadowrunners.

1. General Warnings and Information.
Judging from the number of lawyers on our company softball team, ladders are extremely dangerous products. Our legal department advises us to expect nearly 5,000,000 injury claims this year, since that is how many ladders we sold last year. After years of study by top industry experts, we have determined that the foremost danger of a ladder is falling off it. However, these same studies show that ladders can be very safe household products when treated with proper care and respect and kept stored in the garage.

2. Determine Your Level of Product Sophistication.
Using a stepladder requires a minimum amount of product sophistication, which you may lack. Prior to getting on a ladder, take the following test. If you think:

• "Black & Decker" is a big law firm ... Do not climb above third step.
• "Air bag" is a technical medical term for "lung" ... Do not climb above second step.
• "Burn the candle at both ends" is helpful product information ... Use ladder only under the supervision of a qualified mental health professional.
• This warning serves a useful purpose other than to cover our you-know-whats ... Do not go near a ladder.

3. Set Up.
Set ladder up on solid, level ground. Do not set ladder up in mid-air, underwater or on unstable surfaces such as steeples, moving amusement park rides or the moon. To assure ladder is set at proper angle, perform this easy check: level your vision with the plane of the ladder. If you see the ground approaching, stick your arms out quickly and try again.

4. Safety Recommendations.
Our legal department held an important meeting at a popular downtown bistro which resulted in a cell phone call to Marketing, instructing, in that snide way Legal has, that we include the following recommendations for safe ladder use to preserve the important legal defense of Weus Toldicto Uso. Always follow these basic safety precautions:

Step 1: Spray two tons of foam insulation around base of ladder.
Step 2: Encase yourself securely in plastic bubble wrap (DO NOT POP BUBBLES. THIS IS SERIOUS.).
Step 3: Wear a helmet approved by the National Football League, but not the one Troy Aikman uses.
Step 4: Hire an independent contractor to climb up the ladder and get the hell out of the way.

5. Climbing the Ladder.
Begin by grabbing the sides of the ladder firmly with both hands. Place one foot securely on the first step. Pull yourself up. Stop! Do not over-exert yourself. Take your pulse. Proceed only if your heartrate is below 120 beats per minute. Never have a heart attack on a ladder. Repeat procedure until desired height is reached, but never stand on the top step. Don't ask us why we put it there if you can't stand on it, just take our word for it and don't do it. If you're ever tempted to disobey this instruction, simply call our toll-free number and we'll send one of our lawyers out to slap you around.

6. Common Ladder Mistakes.

1. Avoid contact with electrical current. Never attempt to plug in a ladder.
2. Avoid contact with lawyers. Statistics show most ladder accidents involve lawyers.
3. There is no such thing as "Safe Sex" on a ladder.
4. This sticker gets slippery when wet. That's why we put it on the side. If you're standing on this sticker you've got the ladder pointed the wrong way.
5. Never use ladder during hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, civil unrest, Running of the Bulls, Grand Prix auto races or other activity likely to upset ladder. If ladder becomes upset, give it a chance to calm down before climbing all over it.
6. Ladders are not toys. Keep all ladders out of the reach of children. Kids, if you're reading this, No, No, No!
7. Be careful when moving ladder around work site. You could poke somebody's eye out with this thing!
8. Never drink and climb. Always have a designated climber on hand.

7. Ladders Don't Kill People, People Do.
At least that's what we thought until we had a big corporate meeting over this whole warning-label fiasco. Marge Lipscomb from Marketing lost it and whacked Hal Weenicker from Legal in the pelvis with a Handy-Home-Stepmate Model 404. Weenicker fell over on Joe Bugler who toppled onto Laura Keenbeam. Weenicker died in an ambulance accident on the way to the hospital. His estate is suing us for failing to warn of this obvious ladder risk. Keenbeam is also suing Bugler for sexual harassment. So, please, if you get irritated with someone, just use a handgun like everyone else.

8. Partial Warnings Only.
See Owner's Manual, Volumes 1-29, for complete instructions and warnings in 37 languages and gang signs. Coming to stores soon: Totally safe virtual ladder climbing.

Enjoy Your XP-200 Stepladder!

[nezumi]

Oh good, I can still climb my ladder while on a moving vehicle. I was worried about that one for a moment.

[torzzzzz]

[torzzzzz]

[tisoz]

Need a designated climber when using ladder for when the drinks are on the house.

No warnings about using ladder to combat spirits? It is everyones favorite improvised weapon to get that reach bonus.

This post has been edited by tisoz: Mar 1 2005, 03:24 AM