Laughs in the Shadows, Jokes with a Shadowrun twist Options

[Talia Invierno]

Jackie Chan films! :) ... and a quick ninja edit, make it a bit better:


So, after a semi-successful run (but are there any other kinds?), the team is hiding out in the rigger's armoured-up Bulldog for the duration. It's a bit cramped, but at least it's safe. They've got the goods out in the Bulldog's interior lights, and they're gleefully fingering all the loot -- the SMGs and Preds they've stripped from that street gang hired to stop them, the foci from that combat mage, a couple of loose certified credsticks someone had been carrying! (Okay, so the amounts weren't that high. Who cares?) Oh yes, and there's the prize too. They got it. That's worth celebrating.

After a reasonably good meal -- real steaks! -- and what passes for the local poison, they all find a respective space on the floor and seats of the Bulldog and fall asleep.

Some hours later, the rigger wakes up, and then nudges his faithful teammates: "Guys, look up, tell me what you see."

The shaman stares up. "Lots and lots of stars. Groovy." (Okay, so he's still a bit drunk -- at least, we'll hope it was only the alcohol.)

"What does that tell you?"

The mage ponders for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

The street sam with the perfect time quirk quips, "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

The ex-Jesuit physad adds, "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow!" says the elf face.

"Why," asks the mage, "what does it tell YOU?"

The rigger was silent for a minute, then spoke: "You idiots. Someone's stolen the Bulldog."

[Talia Invierno]

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations (extended Shadowrun version)

• Friendly fire - isn't.
• Recoilless rifles - aren't. (The massive troll with the two SMGs doesn't count.)
• Suppressive fires - won't.
• Interchangeable parts - aren't.

• You are not Superman. Samurai and physads take note.
• A sucking chest wound is the GM's way of telling you to slow down.
• If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
• Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
• If at first you don't succeed, call in the rigger.
• If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
• Never share a safehouse with anyone braver than yourself.
• Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
• Never forget that you tried to get your weapon at the cheapest price, and that Ares exists to make profit.
• If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
• The security diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
• The security counterattack invariably happens on two occasions: when they're ready, and when you're not.
• No run plan ever survives initial contact.
• There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
• Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
• There is no such thing as an atheist in a sewer during a particularly hot hunt.
• Retreating security forces are probably just falling back and regrouping.
• The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
• The easy way is always trapped.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the security forces other people to shoot at.
• Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for Roadmasters to be known as drone magnets.
• Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
• If you are short of everything but Red Samurai, you are on Renraku territory.
• When you have secured the area, make sure the building security knows it too.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• No combat-ready shadowrun team has ever passed inspection.
• No inspection-ready shadowrun team has ever passed combat.
• If the security forces are within range, so are you.
• The only thing more accurate than incoming security fire is incoming friendly fire.
• Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
• Things that must work together, can't be carried to the run that way.
• Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
• Sensors tend to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
• Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
• Make it too tough for Lone Star to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
• Tracers work both ways.
• If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
• When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
• Professional shadowrunners and professional security are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
• Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
• Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
• Weather ain't neutral.
• If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
• Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go. (Levitating mages take note.)
• The mage doesn't always come to the rescue.
• Hellblast is an area support weapon.
• In an elevator shaft, grenades are equal opportunity weapons.
• T-birds are the ultimate close support weapon.
• Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
• The one item you need is always in short supply.
• It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
• When in doubt, empty your magazine.
• The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
• Combat will occur in the building between two adjoining floorplans.
• If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
• If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
• Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
• Whenever you lose contact with the building security, look behind you.
• The most dangerous thing during a run is a shaman with a bright idea.
• There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
• Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
• So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
• The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the softpoint, while you were calling in support against a battalion of Aztlan Aguilars who know your position.
• How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
• Why does your delta-grade rating 10 headware radio and encryptation not make it across 200 metres while a ham with 50 watts on the same frequency can be heard in another country? (Not valid in Seattle: that's just too easy.)
• [From the security pov]: The fragging runners always time their attack to the second when you drop your pants in the Latrine!!
• The ammo you need NOW!! should be arriving sometime next Thursday. (Ah, availability.)

The Weather Corollaries

• Unpredicted inclement weather always begins AFTER you've finalised your plans based on the most recent satellite reports and predictions.
• A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a run -- just in time to outline the distinctive tracks left behind by your shot-up Bulldog.
• The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the middle of the run and wearing full form-fitting body armour.
• There is no such thing as a blue sky in Seattle.
• There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your plans absolutely depend on summoning up that storm spirit.
• At the end of the run, road conditions will always break against you.
• In the vehicle, everywhere not the rigger's space is always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of all outdoors during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.
• The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if that's where you had to conduct your extended surveillance from.
• Hell really would freeze over if that's where your next run was happening ... but not until you spring for the fire-retardant armour.
• The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.
• If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate (Desert Wars version):

• The likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

Rules of the Necessary Equipment

• No matter how carefully you plan, you'll never have enough space for everything you need.
• No matter how small, a carrying case is always too heavy.
• No matter how heavy, you'll always have forgotten to pack something you really need.
• No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law

• Off-road suspension just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate

• The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences

1. The credstick is in the mail.
2. The reinforcements will be there when you arrive.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law

• If, in the process of negotiating with your Johnson, you receive two contradictory instructions, follow them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Making Run Plans

1. Refute the last suggestion.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the plan to the next teammate.

Oliver's Law

• Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws

• Never be first.
• Never be last.
• Never volunteer for anything.

Law of Availability

• That t-bird shipment that just came in will always have the most of what you need the least.

And the final rule of shadowrunning:

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

[Kagetenshi]

[DocMortand]

Amen.

[Talia Invierno]

Can't find this on Snopes to confirm or deny, but with so much collateral damage it definitely has such a runner-esque feel ... and there's enough SR countries where the unlucky would-be robber would be charged for all of it as being his fault.


A bicyclist who confronted three well-dressed men walking to their hotel in Alexandria, Virginia, pointed what looked like a 9mm semi-automatic handgun at them and demanded money. The three men turned out to be off-duty federal agents, who drew their own weapons and fired more than 20 shots, hitting the would-be robber, as well as three cars, a truck, two homes and an office building. The injured suspect's weapon turned out to be a pellet gun.

[Did the buildings step in the way of the bullets?]

[Kagetenshi]

Sounds like some people need to be sent back to Basic Marksmanship.

~J

[Arethusa]

[Kagetenshi]

So the Sherlock Holmes version of it is a later readaptation?

~J

[Westiex]

[DocMortand]

Dunno who started the term, but from what I understand someone got tired of a players antics and hit him with a cow from space, insta kill. Since then it's turned into a term for GM fiat to kill a player for no reason.

Anyone know the original story of how the orbital bovine bombardment started? It's gotta be one whopper of a story for a GM to get so frustrated he just snaps...

[Guest_Crimsondude 2.0_*]

[Fortune]

[Westiex]

Just came upon this doozy of a song, I was wondering if anyone might think that Lowfry has a sense of humour. Alternatively, I could see some Humanist swapping this for the National Anthem at a rally where the Big D is about to give a speech.

Do Virgins taste better

[Mace]

Ok - this is what I was told by an online friend one time about the 'orbital cow' story. How accurate it is I don't know but it's just weird enough it may be true.

As it was told to me there was at some point in time way back when a tornado was busy ripping it's way across some farm countrya small herd of unlucky cows were sucked up into the tornado - Think the scene from Twister but no, it's not the same cow - there were a bunch of them.

The tornado proceeds to rip it up across country with the cows until it dies. It did so near a town where some unlucky sod watching the approaching twister and about to close the door on his storm shelter sees it die and steps back outside.

A cow from a great height proceeds to land with I would have to assume a tremendous impact atop him and the results are terminal.

As noted, this is strictly heresay - I have no way of vouching for it's accuracy.

[Backgammon]

There is also a story, which I can attest to having read the article online a long ass time ago, where a small asian (korean I think) fiching boat was sunk from a falling cow. A Russian cargo plane containing cows suffered some sort of malfunction (this part I don't recall very well), but anyway a cow fell out and landed on the boat, sinking it.

[Demosthenes]

Blackjack's Bovine Bombardment :D

[Nikoli]

Well, 2000 pounds of steak and shoes falling from 20,000 ft will have that effect.

[Charon]

[JaronK]

Well, I don't know anything about such rumors, but I've certainly heard of GMs using the AOBBS (Ares Orbital Bovine Bombardment System) to destroy munchkin characters.

"Okay, so my character is an adept shapeshifter with delta-grade specially made shapeshifting Wired Reflexes and a Smartlink, and he's using a Dikoted AVS Ally Spirit who's also his girlfriend."

"mooooOOOOOOOOOOO *SPLAT*"

JaronK

[Foreigner]

When I first read of the "Orbital Cow" stuff, my first thought was:

Hmm. Sounds like somebody has watched Monty Python and The Holy Grail one time too often.

French Knight (John Cleese): "Feche la vache!"
Second French Knight: "Pardonnez-moi?"
French Knight: "Feche la vache!"

Three seconds later, Ol' Bossy is being thrown over the parapet of the French castle by a catapult.

After one of his knights is squashed, Arthur, King of the Britons (Graham Chapman), yells "RUN AWAY!", and the Knights of the Round Table scatter in all directions.

:rotfl:

--Foreigner

[Guest_Crimsondude 2.0_*]

[Charon]

[Nikoli]

All i know is, i want to see the Mythbusters drop a live cow on Buster (on a boatt) from 15,000 in the air...

[Ombre]

An Ork and a Troll are sitting in a car....who's drivin'?
...
...
...
...
...
A Lone Star cop....

[Guest_Crimsondude 2.0_*]