Laughs in the Shadows, Jokes with a Shadowrun twist Options

[Guest_Crimsondude 2.0_*]

Alexander Tyrell Gates. Introduced in Prime Runners (24-25) is not an Otaku, but Microdeck is referred to subsequently in New Seattle, and Red Wraith names names and says that it is Brian Gates IV that is an Otaku (86). Alex Gates is also described in T:M (110-11). He's a decker, and a mess of one at that. Apparently, Alex missed the Otaku bus by a few years.

And they are at least his great-grandsons, sons of Brian Gates III, son of Charles Gates, son of... Bill or one of his kids.

[nezumi]

Alright, here's another lightly modified pilot joke.

A trog rigger and his decker buddy are flying the crew in the rigger's baby, a transport jet. He's pulling in towards SeaTac and he suddenly turns to concern. He turns to the decker, "drek, this little strip dey gave us maybe ain't long enuf."

The decker looks and agrees, "we got fuel to go somewhere else, or mebbe clearance?" The rigger shakes his head remorsefully. "Dis or de sound. Better tell de group ta buckle up."

The decker nods, sticks his head in the main cabin and informs everyone they may have to make a rough landing. The rigger drops altitude, cuts the engine to almost nothing and extends the flaps. He waits until he's 20 feet from the tarmac to lower the gear, and rolling his entire pool, plus karma pool, rubber touches road just inches after it starts. With the reflexes only a VCR-3 could bestow upon him, he immediately applies full brakes and kills the engine, while the decker who's also jacked in, keeps the ailerons and tail steady as the jet wobbles and jumps. The jet screams to a halt as the flaps and the rigger closes his eyes, either to more fully control the jet, or just in quiet prayer.

Finally, the metallic bird comes to a halt with a *THUMP* as the front wheel falls off the end of the runway. The entire jet slowly *ticks* and the engines wind down slowly. The rigger opens his eyes, letting the adrenaline leave his body, as the decker checks the damage readouts.

"Drek, that was a short runway."
"Yeah, and wide too."

[Apathy]

Runner walks into a bar with a pig on a leash. To make things even weirder, the pig is walking around with two pairs of kid stealth legs...
[Runner] Get me a beer, and a bowl of Chivas Regal for my little buddy.

[Bartender] We don't allow pigs in here.

[Runner] Look this is no ordinary pig-he's probably the smartest pet in the world! After giving him a cerebral booster, encephalon, and math spu, he's probably smarter than half the guys in this bar!

[Bartender] I don't care, we don't allow pigs here.

(By this time, I'm getting curious what happened to the pig's legs. Does the pig go on runs with the guy and lose themin a firefight?)
[Me] Excuse me, what happened to your pigs...

[Runner] This pig saved my life! I was on a run gone bad, wounded and surrounded by sec guards, and he came back for me, dragging me to safety. I wouldn't even be alive if it weren't for this pig!

[Me] Hey! What happened to his legs? What happened to him?

The runner turns to me a says....
[Runner] Son, you can't eat a pig like this all at once... :dead:

[Wounded Ronin]

[DocMortand]

[Toptomcat]

I love this thread to bits, and I want it to revive. I'm gonna repost something I did back when it was really humming along, in the hope of getting it mobile again.

The whole Shadowrun conversion of Skippy's List inspired me to make this.

A street samurai enters a fixer’s.
Samurai: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The fixer does not respond.)
S: 'Ello, Miss?
Fixer: What do you mean "miss"?
S: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
F: We're closin' for lunch.
S: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this decker what I hired not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
F: Oh yes, the, uh, the dwarven security specialist...What's,uh...What's wrong with him?
S: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with ‘im!
F: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's decking.
S: Look, matey, I know a dead decker when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
F: No no he's not dead, he's, he's deckin'! Remarkable man, my dwarven decker, idn'e, ay? Beautiful methods!
S: His methods don't enter into it. He's stone dead.
F: Nononono, no, no! 'E's decking!
S: All right then, if he's decking', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the dwarf)
'Ello, Mister Dwarven Decker! I've got a lovely fresh credstick for you if you show...(fixer hits his cyberdeck)
F: There, he moved!
S: No, he didn't, that was you hitting his deck!
F: I never!!
S: Yes, you did!
F: I never, never did anything...
S: (yelling and hitting the deck repeatedly) 'ELLO DECKY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Jacks dwarf out of the deck and thumps his head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
S: Now that's what I call a dead decker.
F: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
S: STUNNED?!?
F: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Deckers stun easily, major.
S: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That decker is definitely deceased, and when I hired ‘im not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged shadowrun.
F: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
S: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
F: This dwarven decker prefers deckin' on his back! Remarkable man, id'e, squire? Lovely methods!
S: Look, I took the liberty of examining that decker when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been jacked into its deck in the first place was that the jack had been GLUED there.
(pause)
F: Well, o'course it was glued there! If I hadn't glued that jack down, ‘e would have nuzzled up to that datajack, bent it apart with ‘is nails, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
S: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this dwarf wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
F: No no! 'E's pining!
S: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This decker is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't glued ‘im to the deck 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-DECKER!!
(pause)
F: Well, I'd better replace him, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
F: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of deckers.
S: I see. I see, I get the picture.
F: I got a shaman.
(pause)
S: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does he deck?
F: N-n-n-not really.
S: WELL HE'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS HE?!!???!!?
F: Look, if you go to my brother's place in CalFree, he'll replace the decker for you.
S: CalFree, eh? Very well.
The samurai leaves.
The samurai enters the same meeting place. The fixer is putting on a false moustache.
S: This is CalFree, is it?
F: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
S: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
S: I wish to complain, CA-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
S: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
S: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these skits out to 200 lines, you know.
S: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the CalFree train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Calfree.
S: (to the camera) The fixer's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame North American Rail for that.
S: In that case, I shall return to the fixer’s!
He does.
S: I understand this IS CalFree.
F: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
S: You told me it was Ipswitch!
F: ...It was a pun.
S: (pause) A PUN?!?
F: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
S: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
F: Yeah, that's it!
S: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "CalFree" would be "EerfLac"!! It doesn't work!!
F: Well, what do you want?
S: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly…
FIN



For those of you who don't get it, it's a rework of Monty Python's dead parrot sketch.

[X-Kalibur]

I can't believe you actually rewrote the entire dead parrot sketch :rotfl:

[Platinum]

You revived the thread like the fixer revived the decker. Now let it lie.

[Calvin Hobbes]

Street Samurai is watching TV, laying low to keep from getting caught out from the latest run on Ares. Sees a bit about the Gridlink's gone down in the city, and an Ares truck is going the wrong way down the I-85, the exact route the team's rigger's going to be coming along to get to the hideout. Realising that they want things to be kept quiet, he commlinks the Rigger, tells him to avoid the I-85, because some maniac's driving it backwards along it and that'll just draw attention from the 'star.

Rigger replies "It's not just one going the wrong way! It's all of them!"

[James McMurray]

[JesterX]

An elf and a troll falls at the same time from the Seattle Needle.

Which one of them will splat on the floor first?

The elf of course because the troll is so dumb that he will have to stop and ask for directions once in a while.

[DocMortand]

I still chuckle when I remember the floating bumper incident in my game. I don't remember the exact details, but it does involve a spirit carrying a bumper down the freeway because of inexact orders...causing much mayhem and the group to find out that their bumble was in the news.

[Smiley]

What do you call a dead policlubber dropped in a sewer?

A good start.

[Kyoto Kid]

[Birdy]

[PBTHHHHT]

[SL James]

Damn straight.

[ShadowDragon8685]

Read this thing, cover-to-cover.

Hizz-fricking larious, but nothing made me laugh like the OP did. I was incapacitated for a minute laughing at that one.

[Calvin Hobbes]

What's the difference between a Mitsubishi Nightsky and a Rolls Royce Phaeton? Dunkelzhan wouldn't be cuahgt dead in a Nightsky.

[JesterX]

[Trax]

I think the limo he died in was the Rolls Royce.

[JesterX]

[Edward]

An envelop arrives Aries corporate headquarters containing a clip out from a gun magazine of there advert

“Aries arms, were number one
just tell us the name and address of anybody that says otherwise”

and a hand written slip of paper.

“Lofwor, penthouse sweat, SK building 1, Berlin”


ok, KremlinKOA came up with it

Edward

[Edward]

[Kyoto Kid]