New gamer's thoughts on RPGs, I enjoy it much more alone than play Options

[FXcalibur]

After a disasterous session GMing last night with my group playing Shadowrun, I suddenly realized that I enjoy SR much more alone and preparing or reading than the actual playing.

For instance, I made a really nice character (or so I think), I put in all the details and even calculate emcumbrance. She's all ready and set to go running.

The fault of who/what did the session in is debatable at best, but I noticed...If I had been using this character with my current group, my efforts would have been wasted. Encumbrance isn't calculated, canon is ignored and reshaped and altered. And then all the little things I plan to be part of her personality, like how she might walk over to someone with a particular kind of smile, or what clothes she wears, it's no use at all.

In online roleplaying, Sarah walked over to the bloodied dwarf holding a medkit under her arm. She smiled pleasantly to him as she knelt before his side and began first aid.

turns into

I rush over to the dwarf, smile at him and attempt to bandage him up.

Because we're typing, and it gets tiresome, long detailed descriptions are avoided. And (especially with AIM which doesn't show you who's typing at the current moment), we have to type fast to get something in before another character says or does something which will make our two actions/statements conflicting in some way.

So what worked best with visual(ization in my head) becomes severely filtered in written form and even yet again filtered in roleplaying online.

I suddenly don't feel like playing much anymore. I'm staring at my sourcebook now and thinking, it's such a cool game, but why isn't it when we play? It just goes wrong. Everything cool, all the little things, are gone.