Laughs in the Shadows, Jokes with a Shadowrun twist Options

[TinkerGnome]

Internet Access: $10 - $50 a month
Computer: $400-$2000
Hours wasted on dumpshock: hundreds
Talia's joke: Priceless

My ribs hurt.

[Shadow]

@ Hot Wheels clever girl, clever.


The following is an actual transcript from Docwagon emergency services

DW: Doc wagon em service tell me the problem sir?

Client: Uh yeah, uh a buddy and me were out uh hunting. And he just collapsed, I think he's dead.

DW: ... Sir, the first thing we need to do is find out the status of your friend, first let's make sure he's dead by...

Client: *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM*

DW: Sir are you under fire?

Client: (out of breath) Ok, I am sure he's dead.

DW: ...

[kevyn668]

A well-to-do street samurai recieves a very expensive gift from his shaman buddy: a talking firebird. the only problem is that the firebird has a mouth like a drunken sailor. All it does is curse and insult the sam. The sam, going on the advice of his Face pal tries the "kill it w/ kindness" approach. The Firebird gets even worse. Non-stop verbal abuse. Finally, the Firebird mouths off to the sam's lady friend. Well, thats the final straw; the sam freaks out. With his jazzed reflexes he has no problem grabing the firebird and throws him in the freezer. As soon as the sam slams the freezer door shut, theres a terrible screeching sound as the 'bird goes ape-shit and whole freezer unit is shaking. All that can be heard is the muffled profanity of the 'bird. Then the sounds and the ruckus stop. the sam gets nervous. Insulting or not its still an exspensive gift and he doesn't want to kill it. He opens the door. the 'bird is standing there very calm. The sam hold out his arm. the 'bird steps onto it. The 'bird says, "I am very sorry for my previous behavior. It will not happen again." So, the sam is thinking, " This is perfect! I wonder what turned him around?" And then the 'bird says, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

And fries the sam where he's standing.

[kevyn668]

Q: Hey, why can't a ghost in the Shattergraves have kids?

A: Because he has a hollow-weenie!


Q: What do you call 20 Mr. Johnsons at the bottom of the Puget Sound?

A: A good start.


Q: What do you call an Azzie Company Man w/ no arms and no legs floating the Puget Sound?

A: Bob, the future Cyberzombie.


Q: What do you call an Azzie Company Man w/ no arms and no legs hanging on the wall by an Ares Monosword?

A: Art, the future Cyberzombie.

[Drain Brain]

Julio, the Covert Ops specialist was hired by a Mr Johnson to break into the home of a top corporate executive and steal some documents.

Being the exceedingly efficient B&E man that he was (at least 300 karma!) he made it into the house with no problem. However he had no idea where the documents might be kept, so he had to search.

Oh so stealthily he moved through the darkened house - he found the office and was searching through the desk when he heard a tiny, faint voice - "Jesus is watching you..." it whispered.

Needless to say, he was spooked, thinking there was someone there! Out came the Ares Supersquirt and he moved to the next room, ready to take out whomever it was. He entered the Dining room and although there was nobody there, the voice came again... "Jesus is watching you."

Through into the kitchen he went, hearing the voice with greater frequency and volume. He passed the cloakroom and entered the lounge, where he finally realised the source of the voice...

Moving over to the shrouded cage in the corner of the room, he uncovered it to reveal a small awakened Parrot. The small green-blue bird looked up at him with its wide, intelligent eyes and said "Jesus is watching you."

"Shut up, ya' stupid bird, I'm tryin' ta' work here..." muttered Julio.

"I will not shut up!" said the bird, "I live here and you don't, so don't expect me to do you any favours at all, runner scum!"

Needless to say, Julio was taken aback by the creature's bold statement. He had never heard of a sentient bird before and considdered the resale value...

"Say, Bird, what would you say to getting out of that cage? I'm sure you'd like it better if you came with me..."

"Maybe," said the bird, "But you have to stop calling me "Bird," I don't like it. My proper name is Walla-Walla-Ootchie-Koola."

Julio snorted out a laugh. "Walla-Walla-Ootchie-Koola? That is one fraggin' stupid name for a bird!"

Walla-Walla-Ootchie-Koola flapped his wings. "You could say that, Mr Shadowrunner, but then Jesus is a fraggin' stupid name for a hell hound too..."

[John Campbell]

Why'd the elf cross the Tir border?

To get to the other Sidhe.

[Lilt]

:rotfl:

[Siege]

:rotfl:

Jesus saves you...for a snack!

:rotfl:

-Siege

[Abstruse]

A suborbital flight takes off from Denver and is halfway across NAN territory when the engines die. The pilot uses the plane's computer to figure that, if they lose some weight, they can make it to the Seattle airport and land safely. After throwing out all the luggage, food, and any other extranious supplies, then having all unneccesary staff jump off using the plane's available parachutes, the plane was still about 210kg overweight. The pilot gets on the intercom and explains that he needs three people to sacrifice their lives so that the plane can land safely.

After a few tense moments, a Frenchman stands up and shouts "Viva la France!" and jumps out.

Another tense moment, and an Englishman jumps to his feet and shouts "God save the King!" and leaps to his doom.

Only a brief moment passes before a Texan stands up and shouts "Remember the Alamo! Remember San Antonio!" and throws out a Aztlaner.

The Abstruse One

[John Campbell]

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Verjigorm."
"Verjigorm who?"
"Verjigorma lemme in, or am I gonna hafta stand out here all night?"

[Sphynx]

Spaz, the humanoid free spirit is flying over Seattle just looking things over when he sees this incredibly gorgeous woman sunbathing in the nude on one of the rooftops. As he watches, she turns over with her incredible ass sticking up, just slightly, in the air. Realization hits as he recalls that with his speed, he could fly down there, materialize, do his thing and be gone before she had a chance to even turn around... after a bit of hesitation, he goes as fast as he can, gets on top of her, does his thing and is gone before he can hear her complain...

"What the hell was that?!?"

A painful reply is then heard as a shaman under the coverings of an Improved Invisibility spell mutters... "God, I have NO idea, but my ass suddenly hurts like hell...."

[Shanshu Freeman]

[Sepherim]

Guys, could I translate some of these jokes and hang them in my web? Some of them are realy worth been kept!

[Kagetenshi]

It's probably a safe bet that you aren't talking about any of my jokes, but you have my permission anyway.

~J

[Talia Invierno]

It's okay by me - but I don't know if John Campbell's is translatable. It's the first joke I've seen that can't even be said out loud!


A shadowrunning team on corporate retainer checked in with their Yamatetsu Johnson after a particularly difficult, violent week. When asked for an update, the team's face explained that although the security had been steadily hardened, they had nevertheless been singularly successful in sabotaging Ares research and disrupting Ares data all week. In fact, they were so diligent in their mission they'd even managed to leave two small parting gifts: a nasty worm which would systematically search out and destroy all files in the Ares structure which contained the word "research" or any of a hundred variants, and an airborne virus which would give every person inside the complex the runs until an antidote could be created.

"What?" shrieked the Johnson. "You were supposed to go after Renraku. We're not at war with Ares!"

"Oh," said the face. "Well, now you are."

[Kagetenshi]

I wish I could say that'd never happen in a real game.

~J

[Shanshu Freeman]

[Siege]

That's why runners need to ask generic, sweeping questions like:

Collateral damage? Restrictions on operations? Body count? How do you want the evidence verified? DNA? Fingerprints? Head on a platter?

If the Johnson hasn't been thinking along those lines, those questions will snap him back to reality pretty damn quickly.

-Siege

[Shanshu Freeman]

[Buzzed]

4 runners break into an ARES research weapons laboratory. The electronics specialist and the mage go ahead in to start working on cracking the vault security. Gruncho the troll street sam and the rigger stay behind to keep the area secure.

Rigger, "Gruncho, I need to go back to the van to get the explosives. I need you to wait here and handle the supplies when the rest come back out."

15 minutes later...

The electronics specialist and the mage come back out of the building. To their dismay, Gruncho is nowhere to be seen. They take a few steps forward to scan the street. Suddenly, Gruncho jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "Supplies!"

[Siege]

[Kagetenshi]

Would the troll notice?

~J

[Kanada Ten]

I'm not funny, but it's the thought that counts, right?

A Johnson, a fixer, and a runner walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What is this; some kind of joke?"

A Grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The Grasshopper replies, "That's alright, I can pay cred for now." :alien:

[Siege]

[Kanada Ten]

A Grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "You know they've got a drink named after you?" The Grasshopper replies, "Drek! I've only been free a day and they already know my Name!"