 Dog Days, Captain Obvious points to new SR Fiction |
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 Apr 17 2006, 07:22 PM
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#1
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Great Dragon  Group: Members Posts: 6,748 Joined: 5-July 02 Member No.: 2,935  |
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Apr 17 2006, 07:39 PM
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#2
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 684 Joined: 8-April 06 From: My dorm room Member No.: 8,438 |
The poor doggie! WAHHH! :(
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Apr 17 2006, 07:49 PM
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#3
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Moving Target Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 453 Joined: 15-August 02 From: Kansas City, MO Member No.: 3,116 |
A nice slice-of-SR-life sort of story, Dashiell Hammett style. Thought the ending was rather abrupt and out of pace with the rest of the story, though.
If you're a dog lover, it's seriously not going to brighten your day to read it. Be warned. |
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Apr 17 2006, 07:53 PM
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#4
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Neophyte Runner Group: Members Posts: 2,174 Joined: 13-May 04 From: UCAS Member No.: 6,327 |
Nice story. :-)
And Fangirl you shoulda put that in spoilers. ;-) |
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Apr 17 2006, 08:09 PM
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#5
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Shadowrun Setting Nerd Group: Banned Posts: 3,632 Joined: 28-June 05 From: Pissing on pedestrians from my electronic ivory tower. Member No.: 7,473 |
What a pro runner. Because the J stiffed him on a grand for a run where he didn't even get shot at, he kills him (with one blow, no less. I r impressed at the SR4 rules).
I am truly impressed that this guy is going to be a core shadowtalk poster. He can explain why Johnsons keep sending him on suicide runs because he's a douche. |
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Apr 17 2006, 08:33 PM
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#6
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Man In The Machine Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 2,264 Joined: 26-February 02 From: I-495 S Member No.: 1,105 |
Seriously. Hes all slick and, 'Bam' broad day light kill the client.
Id get his ass killed in one of my games for that sorta dreck. Especally for that kind of money. |
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Apr 17 2006, 08:47 PM
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#7
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Shadowrun Setting Nerd Group: Banned Posts: 3,632 Joined: 28-June 05 From: Pissing on pedestrians from my electronic ivory tower. Member No.: 7,473 |
Hey, I'm still wondering why in a ubiquitously wireless world KE wouldn't have swarmed the area after the first officer flatlined and before he regained consciousness.
But that's me. |
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Apr 17 2006, 08:59 PM
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#8
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Moving Target Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 453 Joined: 15-August 02 From: Kansas City, MO Member No.: 3,116 |
An oversight, but it could easily be argued that he was only out for a short amount of time. The Knight Errant team initially dispatched to the area were probably the closest team, and others haven't arrived yet. Real world and fictional police response times are usually significantly longer than their in-game mechanic would suggest. =) |
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Apr 17 2006, 09:07 PM
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#9
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Midnight Toker Group: Members Posts: 7,686 Joined: 4-July 04 From: Zombie Drop Bear Santa's Workshop Member No.: 6,456 |
There is one thing about this story that just doesn't ring true. I'm surprised that the people at fampro didn't catch it.
[ Spoiler ] It is a simple matter to clone new one. [ Spoiler ]
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Apr 17 2006, 09:18 PM
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#10
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Man In The Machine Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 2,264 Joined: 26-February 02 From: I-495 S Member No.: 1,105 |
Good point. Cloning is easy.
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Apr 17 2006, 09:35 PM
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#11
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Shadowrun Setting Nerd Group: Banned Posts: 3,632 Joined: 28-June 05 From: Pissing on pedestrians from my electronic ivory tower. Member No.: 7,473 |
"Hey, let's send three of our dumbest mundane officers with no backup to arrest a shadowrunner." Brilliant. But at least I'm not harping on the writing like someone I showed this to, who read this line
and was asking exactly how one "dexterously" pulls something out of one's pocket. |
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Apr 17 2006, 09:52 PM
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#12
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 684 Joined: 8-April 06 From: My dorm room Member No.: 8,438 |
But you could argue. . . . [ Spoiler ]
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Apr 17 2006, 10:08 PM
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#13
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Great Dragon Group: Members Posts: 6,748 Joined: 5-July 02 Member No.: 2,935 |
With their right hand. ;) |
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Apr 17 2006, 10:18 PM
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#14
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Genuine Artificial Intelligence Group: Members Posts: 4,019 Joined: 12-June 03 Member No.: 4,715 |
That was a sinister answer to an honest question. :-)
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Apr 17 2006, 10:34 PM
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#15
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Horror Group: Members Posts: 5,322 Joined: 15-June 05 From: BumFuck, New Jersey Member No.: 7,445 |
FanGirl, that's just groping.
It was a really bad end to the story. Any Shadowrunner would pay a whole lot more than 1000 :nuyen: for a loyal cyberdog. You just can't buy that kind of thing, even with a good drone. A drone can be spoofed, E-War'd, etcetera, but if you have the dog's behavior ajusted and close-circuited, it can think for itself, but it'll never be disloyal. Granted, it might do strange things like try to eat people once it's taken them down, but... I agree, killing the Johnson was a bad idea, but after Mr. J got the bright idea of calling Lone Star on me, it became a really, really good idea. You don't rat out your Shadow contacts to the Star, unless you're gunning for a quick geeking. As for the Runner, maybe he was a PhysAd, to be so deadly with melee weapons? And yes, having the dog's testicles cloned and reattached would be a simple matter. For that matter, so should cloning the dog whole cloth, so I have to question why there's any shortage of trained dogs at all. |
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Apr 17 2006, 10:58 PM
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#16
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Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,008 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
The word you want is "reaching" or "stretching", not "groping".
That said, feedback: it was entertaining, but a number of things didn't feel right about the story. 1) Present tense. Agh! 2) Magical Appearing Staff. The first time you mention the staff is when he pulls it out because he needs it. I ended up doing a text-search just to make sure I hadn't missed a reference to it, but that was the first time the word shows up. 3) Way too abrupt. Someone's been reading too much Beowulf—it's much the same "setup setup setup setup setup setup setup setup ok, we're done" sort of style. The meet takes a bit over two pages, the legwork a little under nine, and maybe three-quarters of a page to retrieving the dog. I blinked the first time I read through and missed it. 4) You've established on page 8 that the augmentation process drives the animals psychotic (as has canon), but when the main character finds the pooch it's friendly and normal-acting. It also should be added, though this is a reasonable mistake on the part of the character, that psychosis is very rarely accompanied by violence (this in contrast to psychopathy, AKA Antisocial Personality Disorder). 5) Hutchinson leaves his throat exposed even when the staff is right next to his head and being wielded threateningly. Protecting the face and throat is instinctive—one-hit kills aren't rare because hitting someone in the throat with a staff won't kill them, they're rare because it's difficult to pull off a clean attack on someone's throat even with an untrained opponent. 6) The main character does way too much of an about-face with regard to the dog—you need some more setup in there. More if I think of it. ~J |
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Apr 17 2006, 11:23 PM
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#17
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Dragon Group: Members Posts: 4,589 Joined: 28-November 05 Member No.: 8,019 |
*Whine*
If Chester didn't eat Stick while he's unconscious, why would he eat him at any other time? |
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Apr 17 2006, 11:27 PM
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#18
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Midnight Toker Group: Members Posts: 7,686 Joined: 4-July 04 From: Zombie Drop Bear Santa's Workshop Member No.: 6,456 |
No, it wasn't. "With his left hand" would have been sinister. |
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Apr 18 2006, 12:06 AM
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#19
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Great Dragon Group: Members Posts: 6,640 Joined: 6-June 04 Member No.: 6,383 |
It's good fiction but I find it amusing that apparently the FanPro people don't have a firm a grasp of t3h r34l Sh4dowrun as DSFers have.
Heh, I got to bullshido.net to be reminded how much I suck at being a martial arts hobbyist. I go to forums.dumpshock.com to be reminded how whenever I play SR I've actually been doing it all wrong. |
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Apr 18 2006, 12:17 AM
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#20
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Moving Target Group: Members Posts: 684 Joined: 8-April 06 From: My dorm room Member No.: 8,438 |
So how do you feel about the end to Of Mice And Men? If George wanted to take a practical approach towards saving Lennie from the lynch mob, he would have stolen a truck or something and gotten Lennie the hell away from the ranch. Shooting your trusting, mentally retarded best friend in the back of the head is not a practical solution to anything, yet that's exactly what George did. Killing Lennie wasn't the practical solution, it was the merciful one. Sticks killed Chester for the same reason that George killed Lennie: to protect a loyal and trusting friend from further suffering in a cruel world. If John Steinbeck can get away with it, then so can Robert Derie. |
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Apr 18 2006, 12:18 AM
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#21
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Shooting Target Group: Members Posts: 1,507 Joined: 27-January 05 From: ...and I'm all out of bubblegum Member No.: 7,021 |
Wow, I'm agreeing with Emo on this one. I need to shower, I think. Otherwise, it's an entertaining story. Kage and SLJ have said any constructive critisem that I would have said. |
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Apr 18 2006, 12:24 AM
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#22
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Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,008 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
George was trapped. Even in the event that they could do what you describe (it's been too long since I read the book, did George even know how to drive?), they'd still have been hunted down. They didn't have resources, they didn't have significant experience as outlaws, they had nothing.
The same can hardly be said of the main character of this piece. ~J |
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Apr 18 2006, 12:27 AM
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#23
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Target Group: Members Posts: 26 Joined: 8-January 06 From: New York Member No.: 8,141 |
Kept me occupied for a couple minutes at least.
As a relative SR n00b though, one q: the story mentions respirators? Is the air quality so bad in places in Seattle that you have to wear masks everywhere you go or is the main character impaired in some way? |
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Apr 18 2006, 12:32 AM
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#24
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Great Dragon Group: Members Posts: 6,640 Joined: 6-June 04 Member No.: 6,383 |
But it was extremely funny! Jokes aside, I actually have a story from my high school days about that. Back when I was in high school some of the drama teachers decided to have a small acting group called the Glimmerglass Opera come and put on the opera version of Mice and Men. They made it this mandatory meeting thingie and so a lot of kids were there who didn't want to be there. People were pretty bored and some people fell asleep, right? And the high point was at the point where the retarded guy was shot in the back of the head with a cap gun on stage I think a bunch of kids burst out laughing. So, there you have it. Snotty bored kids for t3h win. Incidentally, I don't want to spoil it because it's really funny if you aren't expecting it, but somethingawful.com recently had a Flash Tub which is related on some level to this conversation. I suggest you watch it because it made me crack up. |
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Apr 18 2006, 12:38 AM
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#25
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Midnight Toker Group: Members Posts: 7,686 Joined: 4-July 04 From: Zombie Drop Bear Santa's Workshop Member No.: 6,456 |
I don't care for it at all. I much prefer the 80's action flick style of ending in which the protagnist flips out and kills countless bad guys and then everyone live happily ever after. The brutal deaths of the KE officers in the end provide this kind of cathartic release even though thye occur offscreen as it were. The KE officers are one deminsional "bad guys" and we can be happy to see them die. This type of scene allows the reader to wallow bloodlust without the slightest bit of guilt or shame. At this point in the story we are identifying more with Chester than we are with sticks. It is our snout that is burried iin that woman's entrails. It is we who are feasting unselfconsciously on our enemies flesh. The final scene takes out joy and shatters it into a million pieces because Chester has become our surrogate and he hasn't done anything that we wouldn't have loved to have done ourselves in that situation. We can no longer identifyt with Sticks because and the ending falls flat because of this complete alienation. |
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