It's a cool story, and there's a definite characterisation arc. But there's some questions I want you to consider. 1) What is this character's greatest challenge? 2) Why is it a challenge? 3) How is the character changed after going through this challenge?
Every scene should focus on the answer to these questions; and in fact have their own answers or different ways of illustrating the same answer.
I have some proofreading recommendations if you want them. I've done a lot of proofreading before, so it's kind of habit. Not everyone is looking for that sort of thing though, so I don't want to offend you or for you to think I'm belittling you by nitpicking every damn little thing. I just think you're teacher is likely to do that, and there are certain rules and styles that score better grades for academic readers.
[ Spoiler ]
Also: Sometimes people use first-person narratives as an excuse to ignore grammar. There's some merit to this, but not much, and it doesn't fly in academic circles unless you are absolutely consistent with it. Don't use your character's "voice" as an excuse to ignore grammar - you're still writing for a reader, and in this case, a very particular reader. It's a unique challenge. Embrace it.
[ Spoiler ]
[QUOTE]I call it my Morning Resurrection. [/QUOTE]
Wonderful intro. It's sharp, clear, has impact, and makes the reader curious.
[QUOTE]What happens is that [/QUOTE]
This section is unnecessarily verbose. It can be taken out and the sentence will read much clearer, starting with "When I have to go to work."
[QUOTE]when I have to go to work after a night spent coding or sitting on my bed and staring off into my room's vaguely piss-yellow light, [/QUOTE]
Something about this reads strangely. You have a dichotemy of two principles, but one of them is described with only one vague word "coding" and one with a whole stream of narrative description. I recommend you either take out the dichotemy ("or"), move "coding" to the end of the sentence so that the reader doesn't miss it, take away description from the second option, or add more words to the first option.
[QUOTE]I look at myself in the mirror [/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]in the laboratory observation room's bathroom [/QUOTE]
Is this second portion really necessary? This is a very long and difficult to understand sentence.
[QUOTE]for maybe ten seconds and splash my face [/QUOTE]
Consider taking out "and" and making a new sentence.
[QUOTE]with a handful of cold sink water. The sink isn't carbon filtered, so sometimes, when the Renraku Corporation's water treatment plant screws up, the water smells of stagnant river sludge.[/QUOTE]
Nice.
[QUOTE]It's river sludge day. [/QUOTE]
Beautiful! :)
[QUOTE]Not that it's much of a problem; nobody ever comes to see me here, and I get used to the smell the way I get used to everything else I have to deal with on a daily basis, [/QUOTE]
Nice, but the sentence is long. Long sentences really make the reader work harder to grasp what you are trying to say. Consider replacing this comma (,) with a period (.).
[QUOTE]like the way that [/QUOTE]
If you did make this it's own sentence, I would take this part out. We already know you're talking about the stuff that you have to live with, becuase it's in the paragraph right after you mention there's a bunch of stuff you have to live with it. If you feel it need to, you can always reinforce the idea at the end of the paragraph but there's no point wasting words gong into it.
[QUOTE]everybody here either breaks off eye contact a little too quickly or unblinkingly stares at you because their eyes are cybernetic implants. [/QUOTE]
Nice. Just a style suggestion, though, to go with some of the style you've already written: you might want to get rid of "because". Shorter sentences have more impact, especially when before or after longer exposition - a technique you've used to great effect. How about ending the paragraph with, "Their eyes are cybernetic implants." as a sentence by itself to explain the previous one?
[QUOTE]In his slow, lifelessly arrogant way, Ferguson, chief of magical research, enters the magical experimentation room. [/QUOTE]
The point at the end here is the last impression your readers will get. His identity is left in the middle and kind of glossed over. Consider: "Ferguson, chief of magical research, enters the magical experimentation room in his slow, lifeless, arrogant way."
I would get rid of the sentence altogether and replace it with something. It's too much information for one sentence. You should never need three adjectives to describe something. How about you introduce who he is in one sentence, and then what he's like (by how he's behaving/moving) in the next?
[QUOTE]He always finds ways to oh-so-subtly denote his rank, whether it's the way he silently stands next to you while you work without looking at you, slurping his overpriced all-natural coffee, or the way he sets down his mug, letting the scent of it waft towards you for a moment before picking it up again. [/QUOTE]
Again, long sentence. How about a period after "denote his rank" instead of a comma? Something like: "He always finds ways to oh-so-subtly denote his rank. It's in the way he silently stands next to you without looking at you. Or the way he slurps his over-priced coffee. He sets down his mug in a way that lets the all-natural scent waft toward you before he bothers to pick it up again.
Something like that. Tinker. Try writing the paragraph a couple of different ways. It's fun.
[QUOTE]I think he times it so that you only get the smallest wiff before he takes it away. Nerds, even thaumaturgical nerds, for all their pontification about rationality, have their own essentially meaningless systems of status, their own ways of haphazardly expressing their neanderthal DNA.[/QUOTE]
Nice.
[QUOTE]I'm not supposed to join in any magical experiments, since I'm tasked with simply watching and judging everything they do by Renraku HQ. [/QUOTE]
Cool, but again you can break it up. "Since" isn't really necessary here; a period would do just as well. "tasked" is an interesting word choice, but it seems to fit the character.
[QUOTE]Renraku doesn't want me to develop any attachments to people whose careers I'm supposed to decide, not that they have much reason to fear that. It doesn't bother me that I don't really have any responsibilities; [/QUOTE]
Nice.
[QUOTE]that gives me time to slack off and program random graphics demos on my portacomp. [/QUOTE]
Obviously, the reader doesn't know what a portacomp is yet, but I'm sure you're aware of that.
I'm not sure of "that" works in this section. It's not very clear what "that" refers to. Appearently, "that" goes back a sentence to reference "it", but gramatically, that's kind of clumsy. How about getting replacing "that gives me time" with "so I have time" or just "I have time"? Alternatively, replace "that" with "this" (implying a reference to "this situation" or "this arrangement").
[QUOTE]They display onto my contact lenses, [/QUOTE]
They? I presume you mean the demos rather than the portacomp, but that's not intuitively clear because the last thing mentioned was the portacomp (and it also attracts the reader's attention because he has to figure out what it is).
[QUOTE]so I can pretend to be watching even as I find new ways to make the image of a shiny rainbow-colored ring turn in on itself. [/QUOTE]
Nice, but maybe add what you are watching to make the sentence more clear. Maybe consider replace "can pretend" to "appear", but that's just stylistic change. It works either way.
[QUOTE]But today should be interesting. As far as I know, it'll be mankind's first experiment in magical teleportation. It's top-secret, since it's corporate research and it's cutting edge. [/QUOTE]
I know what you mean and so will your teacher, but technically your "it" in these sentences is referring back to "today" which doesn't quite work. It might be okay for a first-person narrative, but you might want to consider adding another sentence so it's perfectly clear we are talking about an event rather than an interval of time. I doubt today is top-secret or cutting-edge.
[QUOTE]I wonder for a moment if they'll get to the point where they can send somebody into my bombproof observation room; if they do, it'll jeopardize my other duty, which is to make sure that this branch doesn't defect to another corporation and activate Code Omega if they do. [/QUOTE]
Really nice until the end. You're still talking about "this branch" and its activities when you talk about activiating the Omega Code.
I mean, I'm sure part of your duty involves making sure this branch doesn't activate the Omedga Code if they defect to another corporation, but I don't think that's what you meant. It does read that way, though.
[QUOTE]You see, Code Omega is a contingency plan; if this branch tries to jump ship, then I dial a very specific 20 digit number, which [/QUOTE]
Really good but replace ", which" to "that".
[QUOTE]cuts the power lines to the complex and activates the C4 charges planted in the walls, [/QUOTE]
You need to end this sentence at some point.
[QUOTE]allowing corporate strike teams to move in, arrest all personnel for further questioning, and copy and wipe all the hard drives on site. [/QUOTE]
It might be better just to say that Corporate strike teams *will* do these things rather than specify that they are allowed to do so (by something left kind of vague - possibly by Code Omega or the C4 charges; it's difficult to tell).
[QUOTE]I effectively have power of life and death over my coworkers, and they don't know it. If I ever decide to activate Code Omega, I'll probably be sitting in this room [/QUOTE]
Beautiful.
[QUOTE]with the emergency locks on the doors, [/QUOTE]
This is unnecessarily distracting from your sentence. Also, it's going to become very obvious in a moment.
[QUOTE]programming yet another way for sunlight to glint off a rainbow-colored ring, waiting for the corporate strike team [QUOTE]
How about "while I wait" instead of the comma. It would be better to start a new sentence of you can, but if your character treats this like a boring list of stuff, so will the reader.
[QUOTE]to cut open the door once everything's died down. Who knows, maybe I'll be eating soychips when that happens. [/QUOTE]
"Who knows" should have a question mark, not a comma.
"Everything's died down" is kind of an ironic euphanism, but that's probably just me.
[QUOTE]All I know is they picked the right person for the job; I don't care enough about my work to be nervously secretive about it, [/QUOTE]
Nice
[QUOTE]therefore blowing my cover to a group[/QUOTE]
"therefore" isn't needed. You can start a new sentence with "I won't blow my cover by" or some playful variation. Alternatively, replace "therefore" with "so" which sounds smoother in reading and conversation.
[QUOTE] of people who can read your emotions and even your mind [/QUOTE]
I don't care about my work to be nervously secretive about it; therefore blowing my cover to a group of people who can read my emotions and even my mind. Keep the pronouns consistent. You could also end the sentence after cover, and then start a new one to describe how you might blow your cover. Come up with a more intimidating description than "group of people that can".
[QUOTE]if they get suspicious, and I don't [/QUOTE]
Again, too many commas.
[QUOTE]care enough about other people to worry about having them killed. Say what you will about Big Brother, he knows you like no one else.
[QUOTE]Over the course of the next few hours, I Look at the ritual team, watching them weave beautifully intricate and yet ordered threads of... of life energy, for lack of a better word, [/QUOTE]
This would be a good time to end this sentence.
I like the term "ritual team". It sounds better than "a group of people that can". Why didn't you introduce them this way? Or are you not talking about the same people anymore? It's a little unclear.
[QUOTE]in ways that I will probably never match, and will never care to. All that's needed for this job is that I have the Sight.
The scruffy-looking German Shepherd rises off the ground and disappears along with its bonds. In the physical plane, it looks like they're giving it a clean disappearance; in the astral plane, the plane that I use the Sight to see, the dog materializes and then implodes, kind of like pressure differences in space except in reverse. [/QUOTE]
One sentence describing too many things. Why don't you want a sentence of its very own to explain what the astral plane is and how it connects to your Sight? That would be better than inserting it in the middle of this sentence. It's also unclear about what you mean by "giving it a clean disappearance". Upon first reading, I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to interpret this (like the portacomp) or just take it for granted that its some kind of future-thing and move on.
[QUOTE]Everything's an impossible shade of gold in the astral, so there isn't any red blood, but there is a golden liquid spreading from where the dog's compressed carcass in all directions. The astral blood smudges the wards on my room, and I suppress the admittedly childish urge to get some on my finger and taste it. The experiment is a failure,[/QUOTE]
Good, good. End the sentence and the paragraph here. You aren't talking about the blood or the dog anymore.
[QUOTE] and I spend the next 5 minutes recording a report telling the suits exactly that. Too bad, really. If it'd worked, I'd have been witness to the magical equivalent of the first step on the moon. Oh, well.
After work, I take the elevator to my apartment. [/QUOTE]
Good, but this last part is both fascinating and mundane at the same time, in kind of a contrary way. Is that what you wanted?
[/QUOTE]Renraku tried offering employee housing on site years ago, but everyone decided to rent their own, [/QUOTE]
End the sentence here.
[QUOTE]everybody but me, that is. The motion-activated lights don't turn on for anybody but myself and the janitor,[/QUOTE]
End the sentence here.
[QUOTE] and I'm reminded of this every time the elevator door opens and the lights turn on down the long, open hallway one by one in perfect sequence. [/QUOTE]
A semicolon is needed between "open hallway" and "one by one". Either that, or move "one by one" to the beginning.
Consider changing "elevator door opens and the lights turn on" to "elevator door opens. The lights turn on, one by one, in perfect sequence down the hallway." Consider changing "one by one" to "one at a time" or "each in turn" or some other similiar variation.
[QUOTE]I open the door to my apartment to find the wall blown open, [/QUOTE]
This is important. Emphasise its importance by giving its own sentence.
[QUOTE]the hole looking as if a fire giant's fist had made it. Probably some act of corporate war they didn't bother telling us about, [/QUOTE]
I know who you mean by "they" and so does the reader, I believe. But technically "they" is referencing either the lights discussed earlier or nothing at all. Consider being more specific; maybe making some kind of derogatory name-calling. A nickname like "the boys upstairs" or "upper management" will do fine.
[QUOTE]some freelance agents escaping in a chopper or something.[/QUOTE]
This isn't structured very well. The hole is some freelance agents? I know what you mean, obviously, but the grammar is off.
[QUOTE] I already know I won't be getting any sleep, so I use magic for the first time in a month, the last time being when I healed a bruise and almost failed at it. [/QUOTE]
Break this into two sentences.
[QUOTE]I levitate out the hole in my wall and onto the roof; should be interesting, never thought I'd actually have an opportunity. [/QUOTE]
This sentence is made in reverse. In the first part, you're performing and action. In the second part, you are contemplating your potential desire to perform that action. "Levitate out the hole" may not be appropriate either, but that's your call.
[QUOTE]Floating up from the middle of a crowd of jumpsuited Renraku rank-and-file tends to draw bureaucratic attention.
I sit there and watch the night skyline, and for the first time in years spent in a corporate sinecure, I wonder. [/QUOTE]
Totally awesome. Love this. End your paragraph with this. Start a new one with you wondering.
[QUOTE]I wonder why I don't care about people, [/QUOTE]
End the sentence here. Periods (.) are your friends. :)
[QUOTE]why very few, if any, really care about people, why everybody takes such pains to pretend to. I dwell mostly on the first part. [/QUOTE]
Elaborate on what you mean by "few". I presume you mean "few people", but its not gramatically correct without the noun.
[QUOTE]People talk about the beauty of the city at night, but all I see is stasis and encapsulation. All those lights, always so distant and indistinct, being forced together by the demands of capitalism and city zoning laws. Everybody's too busy thinking it's beautiful to realize that most of those lights are offices where people work unpaid overtime, data cables plugged into their heads transmitting sheet after sheet of accounting transaction. I guess it's a better idea to focus on something I actually do want to see.
Illusions... what kind of illusion spell should I cast? How about a miniature of an impossible dream? Let's check my list of discarded fantasies... a carnival in the clouds, a nymph of the woods, a world of green and gold, always youthful, always alive...
Let's start with the carnival in the clouds. Okay... clouds, check. Mountain of wispy stone, check. Fantastically elaborate rides without lines, check. Small, happy children, loving, happy parents, cotton candy made of sugary mist...
The spell breaks as soon as I touch it. Frag, I didn't even notice that I was trying to. But for a moment there, a small, infinitely small moment, I could feel something... Something real, more real than river water, than metallic stares, that would be there for me if only I believed in it enough. Now I know why I stopped using magic and turned to punching code in my portacomp.
I lie down on the rooftop watching what little moonlight there is filter through Seattle's smog-thickened clouds. I close my eyes, not really caring if I roll off the rooftop in my sleep. I feel the stream of a tear I didn't notice cool against my cheek.[/QUOTE]
This is all awesome.
[ Spoiler ]
Everything I've written was with the intent of being helpful. People usually hate proofreaders...
Building my SR fiction for Creative Writing class.
Feb 1 2007, 07:56 PM
