 A bita buncha commentery, Companion to Rather a Lot O' the Fiction |
 Dec 14 2004, 08:22 AM
Post
#1
|
|
|
Running Target  Group: Members Posts: 1,144 Joined: 22-September 04 Member No.: 6,690  |
Because writing is best when discussed in the open. Here is my brief opinion of everything so far.
K10-4: 1: I like the story of the last time he hid behind a door. Synth arm sounds a little weird though. It is cyber, isn't it? 2: Ack! Shedim! The prose was a little overdone, IMO. -- Dr. Jest: 1: Very nice, I like the tone. Very Noir. Again, sometimes the prose becomes intrusive. 2: The cliche stuck out a bit, but hey, the world needs badasses, and the slimy guys who set them out. -- K-10: Not really a story so much as a feral, surreal, day trip. visceral. -- K10-4: Short and rather meh. Very standard setup. -- CirclMastr: A thing of beauty. 6th world coroners have got to have one of the most interesting jobs out there. I wish there was more. -- Crimsondude 2.0: Setting you've got. Anything interesting going on? Not in this snippet. Move along people, nothing to see here. -- Critias: I want what you've got. That was pure awesome. I think it would've worked better without mention of the girl, but the rest of what you've got there is solid orhalicum. -- Crimsondude 2.0: You need some sort of line break between the two perspectives. Good setup though. -- K-10: 6th World emo. I love it. -- K10-4: You've got the seed of awesomeness there, but I don't quite think it lives up to the potential. It just doesn't click for me. -- Voorhees: Good prose, but the dialogue didn't work that well for me. -- K-10: 1:Nice shot from a decker's POV. I like the iconography. 2: The future can stuff itself. I see Cheetos I eat Cheetos. -- Me: Tsk, what can I say? I think the impact would've been better if we knew that he wasn't her biological 'papa,' but that his street name was 'Big Papa,' and he was like a- well that's the problem with snippets, isn't it? |
 |
 
|
 |
Replies
(1 - 21)
|
Dec 14 2004, 03:45 PM
Post
#2
|
|||||
|
Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,013 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
Actually, that's my opinion of it as well. I still like the idea, but I'm not happy with how it came out. Maybe after finals I'll give another shot.
Knowing Circl, I don't think those were coroners… ~J |
||||
|
|
|
||||
| Guest_Crimsondude 2.0_* |
Dec 16 2004, 12:42 AM
Post
#3
|
||
|
Guests |
To the first, it was something I had written done and was easily cut & pasteable. To the second, it was originally broken up differently. What I posted was a cut & paste hackjob. |
||
|
|
|
||
|
Dec 16 2004, 02:08 AM
Post
#4
|
|||||||
|
Runner Group: Members Posts: 2,751 Joined: 8-August 03 From: Neighbor of the Beast Member No.: 5,375 |
I thought they were organ leggers... |
||||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
Dec 16 2004, 02:15 AM
Post
#5
|
|
|
Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,013 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
Exactly what they were, yes.
~J |
|
|
|
|
Dec 16 2004, 02:31 AM
Post
#6
|
|
|
Runner Group: Members Posts: 2,751 Joined: 8-August 03 From: Neighbor of the Beast Member No.: 5,375 |
It would've been pretty funny if they were coroners, though.
And goes to show its all about perception. :) This post has been edited by kevyn668: Dec 16 2004, 03:12 AM |
|
|
|
|
Dec 16 2004, 02:46 AM
Post
#7
|
|||||
|
Beetle Eater Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 4,797 Joined: 3-June 02 From: Oblivion City Member No.: 2,826 |
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Dec 16 2004, 03:11 AM
Post
#8
|
|
|
Runner Group: Members Posts: 2,751 Joined: 8-August 03 From: Neighbor of the Beast Member No.: 5,375 |
Crap.
<goes to edit> .... |
|
|
|
|
Dec 16 2004, 04:56 AM
Post
#9
|
|
|
Running Target Group: Members Posts: 1,144 Joined: 22-September 04 Member No.: 6,690 |
I thought that they were a corporate medical team from the way they were talking, taking apart a failed runner team. Or else LS, keeping abreast of the latest advances in the 6th World, the hard way.
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 16 2004, 07:13 AM
Post
#10
|
|||
|
Freelance Elf Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 7,324 Joined: 30-September 04 From: Texas Member No.: 6,714 |
Thanks. I thought about it later, and knew that mentioning the girl did sort of pull the whole story out of the present and the future, and into the past -- confusing things a bit. But, ah well. I didn't wanna snip out a whole paragraph, plus it's the "why" he is what he is, and the second conscience he's got. I kept the girl in there 'cause she was important to the character's overall background -- the basic idea of the character, and why/how he got dragged into the Shadowrun-modified Troubles. The basic character (Rory) started out for a game where the GM said "have 200 karma and a bunch of money" and wanted to run a high powered game...that sort of fizzled out, but left me with this character that I loved, because I'd worked out the different stages of his life, and how he got to 200 karma. The first, horribly violent, bit of his background, was him working with the (whatever new title) IRA, and I needed a hook for it (so came up with the girl). Then, well, the other day, I saw this thread all about short fiction, and decided to write something. And, somehow, I blanked about everything dealing with any of my normal characters, and had this idea for something for Rory. *grin* The girl ties in better in a longer story (or even just having read the longer story in advance, like a few of my buds on here), I think. But, ah well. I still think this piece turned out real well for something I just tapped at the keyboard at for fifteen minutes. Glad you liked it. :) |
||
|
|
|
||
|
Dec 16 2004, 07:17 AM
Post
#11
|
|
|
Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,013 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
Hey, I'm glad you wrote her in. It gave me the idea for the piece whose idea (if not implementation) I've been most happy with on that thread thus far.
~J |
|
|
|
|
Dec 16 2004, 07:30 AM
Post
#12
|
|
|
Beetle Eater Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 4,797 Joined: 3-June 02 From: Oblivion City Member No.: 2,826 |
You all owe my a story. Not so easy to exercise everyday, eh? Get on those tredmills! Hi-ya!
Yeah, well, I gotta give up for Critias; sweet story for sure. Now keep it coming; I've got money on this thread. |
|
|
|
|
Dec 16 2004, 07:49 AM
Post
#13
|
|
|
Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,013 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
I've got one I'm working on, but it waits until after the C++ I've been working on for most of the last hundred hours or so :P
~J |
|
|
|
|
Dec 16 2004, 08:19 AM
Post
#14
|
|
|
Beetle Eater Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 4,797 Joined: 3-June 02 From: Oblivion City Member No.: 2,826 |
"I'll do it later" "Are you trying to shut me up" "No" "Because if you are, just say so" "I'm not; I'll do it later" "That's what you always say" "And it always gets done" "Yeah after I nag you fifty times" "If you didn't say anything, I'd still get it done" "I shouldn't have to say anything" "Then don't" "Fine, I won't say anything from now on" "Jesus bleeping Christ"
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 16 2004, 09:00 PM
Post
#15
|
|
|
Freelance Elf Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 7,324 Joined: 30-September 04 From: Texas Member No.: 6,714 |
There ya go. Something with one of my more common characters in it, though I tried to add to the "covert agent secretive" feel (or whatever) by never using any names. I had the basics of that story bouncing around in my head since a trip to campus a few weeks back reminded me of just how many people there are all over a university, all moving at once and all going to and from different places.
I worked out the rest of the details (like what was happening on a college campus, somewhere in Shadowrun) on the fly, while I was typing. I think it turned out okay. |
|
|
|
|
Dec 17 2004, 12:55 AM
Post
#16
|
|
|
Runner Group: Members Posts: 2,751 Joined: 8-August 03 From: Neighbor of the Beast Member No.: 5,375 |
I thought it was pretty damn good. :)
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 20 2004, 07:44 PM
Post
#17
|
|
|
Freelance Elf Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 7,324 Joined: 30-September 04 From: Texas Member No.: 6,714 |
I think I killed the thread. Sorry gang.
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 20 2004, 09:32 PM
Post
#18
|
|
|
Immoral Elf Group: Members Posts: 15,247 Joined: 29-March 02 From: Grimy Pete's Bar & Laundromat Member No.: 2,486 |
I thought it was good Critias. It has just been dead around here lately. 'Tis the season and all ... ;)
|
|
|
|
| Guest_Crimsondude 2.0_* |
Dec 20 2004, 10:05 PM
Post
#19
|
|
Guests |
Winter? Yeah. Sucks' doesn't it?
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 21 2004, 09:09 PM
Post
#20
|
|
|
Target Group: Members Posts: 81 Joined: 22-July 04 From: East Lansing, MI Member No.: 6,506 |
You didn't kill it Critias, ya got the best stuff on there.
-Joe |
|
|
|
| Guest_Crimsondude 2.0_* |
Dec 21 2004, 10:29 PM
Post
#21
|
|
Guests |
Indeed. That's how he killed it.
|
|
|
|
|
Dec 22 2004, 12:51 AM
Post
#22
|
|
|
Manus Celer Dei Group: Dumpshocked Posts: 17,013 Joined: 30-December 02 From: Boston Member No.: 3,802 |
Psht. I have never let superior quality stifle me.
Complete lack of time, though, that's done it now and then. ~J |
|
|
|
 |
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 25th April 2026 - 11:51 AM |
Topps, Inc has sole ownership of the names, logo, artwork, marks, photographs, sounds, audio, video and/or any proprietary material used in connection with the game Shadowrun. Topps, Inc has granted permission to the Dumpshock Forums to use such names, logos, artwork, marks and/or any proprietary materials for promotional and informational purposes on its website but does not endorse, and is not affiliated with the Dumpshock Forums in any official capacity whatsoever.