[Humor] Things that Mr. Johnson forbids.... Options

[Willowhugger]

While I was scribbling down some notes for my next novel, I was thinking about some funny cliches I'd heard from fellow Shadowrun players. Here is a hypothetical set of mission guidelines from Mr. Johnson to the worst Shadowrunners in the world.

(a lot of these are from my players describing their solutions to hypothetical problems before the game)

1. First rule: I don't care if Neo and Trinity did it. You do not have to kill everyone in the lobby when you enter it....
2. In EVERY single lobby you enter...
3. Even when you're not on a mission.
4. The solution to every problem is not put more ammunition into it.
5. Miniguns are not proof God exists...
6. Even if they are THAT sweet.
7. If you think you're being followed, standard procedure is to not to kill every single person whose seen you since leaving the mission site....
8. Especially if you've been broadcast on Horizon TV since that point.
9. The attire of Shadowrunners is designed to be professional and serve as camoflage. It should not include the following....
10. Bellbottoms.
11. Clown Pants.
12. RUBBER pants.
13. The mythical color darker than black.
14. Clothing from John Travolta's Saturday Night Fever.
15. ...or the Village People.
16. Matching Ryu, Ken, and Chun Lee outfits.
17. Bunny Ears.
18. School Girl Uniforms...
19. Even if you ARE a psychotic Shadowrunner Schoolgirl.
20. "I fire a LAW rocket at it" is not an acceptable answer to the Dragon's question of what you're doing in its lair.
21. You are not the One.
22. You are not Batman.
23. It is not acceptable to say you suddenly understand the code in order to win all encounters in the Matrix.
24. "I want to tap that" is not acceptable as a social response to the Elvish Queen from Tir Nanog.
25. Especially if you've got her tied up in the back of your van.
26. Katanas cannot cut through everything....
27. So please stop trying.
28. "Everything Asia is automatically better" is not the secret to success in the business world.
29. Despite the fact that its a fairly safe bet when investing your money in this setting.
30. It is forbidden to implant a cybernetic boombox into yourself so you can have your own soundtrack.
31. Especially not if its only "Kung Fu Fighting"
32. Orc women do not get any better looking after a few drinks.
33. Nor do troll women.
34. You just have low standards.
35. Offering to indulge those low standards won't get you out of trouble with them when they're guards.
36. ...Okay maybe once or twice.
37. Cybernetics in your sex organs are hereby forbidden as a topic of discussion.
38. The same for genetic enhancement.
39. Yes, we know you got it off the net.
40. There have been enough jokes about "Johnson."
41. You cannot have claws like Wolverine.
42. ....even if Molly had them.
43. You cannot speculate on whom would win....
44. Especially during a mission.
45. The objective of a misson is not "wipe out everyone in the building, loot the corpses, and burn it down" by default.
46. ...That's just 96.5% of all missions.
47. Chainsaws in place of your hands are just dumb.
48. Aztlan is not ruled by a sentient tiny dog that likes tacos.
49. Nor can you set him up as dictator.
50. Cops are not to be referred to as the slang "target practice."
51. Killing Dwarves is not to be done out of hand....
52. Because Dwarves are dumb.
53. The same applies to halflings, gnomes, and all short races.
54. Your ultimate spending goal is not tactical nuclear warheads.
55. Psychotic degeneration of the psyche from cybernetics is not to be viewed as a benefit.
56. Trenchcoats, Katanas, Bullet proof vests, mirrorshades, and machine guns are not the only thing that people wear in the future.
57. ....just people in your profession.
58. Corporate HQs are not to be referred to as 'Dungeons.'
59. The first place to look for the Vampire lord of the city is not at a LARP.
60. The UCAS is not to be referred to as "the Blue States" zone.
61. The Confederates are not to be referred as "The Red States."
62. The split is not because of the 2004 election.
63. It's just one of the major causes.
64. The Great Old Ones coming from Aztlan are not a 'kickass opportunity for a Delta Green crossover.'
65. Running around the southern portion of North America in an orange vehicle with the Confederacy flag is not a way to 'blend in.'
66. You will kindly cease asking about the cost of sexaroids.
67. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE.
68. OR TWO.
69. Catgirls are not the greatest benefit of science in the future.
70. ...Just one of them.
71. It is wrong to hire another less experienced Shadowrunner team to go on ahead and use them for 'trap bait.'
72. The Great Crash was not caused by Windows.
73. Or Y3K.
74. Nor was the Second.
75. Boondock Saints is not the Manifesto of being a Shadowrunner.
76. ...only Irish ones.
77. Nicole Kidman is not an elf.
78. I don't care how often you argue it.
79. Anyone whom says Gibson missed a major opportunity by not having dragons and elves in his novels is not getting this job.
80. Novatech is not run by the Kennedys.
81. Washington D.C. is not to be described as "A place even less effective as a center for leadership than it was in the 20th century."
82. Tying two magic katanas together with a chain will not make it twice as effective.
83. Mitsuhama was not made from Walmart.
84. You suspected he was a Terminator is not an excuse for using a rocket launcher on him.
85. ...especially after the first three random uses.
86. FOR ZION is not to be shouted whenever you kill dozens of people with wirefu gunplay....
87. Yes, even if your character is Jewish.
88. Spending your money on plastic surgery to look like Tom Cruise will not get you a Nicole Kidman looking elf.
89. You cannot wield TWO miniguns.
90. The Jungle is not a place to go Predator hunting....
91. You cannot hire Evo to make you a Predator to go hunting in the Jungle.
92. You cannot go to Japan just to see if you can find Public Security Section 9.
93. I doubt Motoko Kusanagi would want to speak with you anyway.
94. You cannot have a lightsaber.
95. Shadowrunning is not to be described as "solving the world's over population problem."
96. You CAN blow half of your payment on women, booze, and wild parties.
97...Just don't spend the other half foolishly.
98. It is not possible to get a genetic enhancement or spell so you can go Chibi whenever you panic.
99. A Technomancer's natural enemy is not the Order of Hermes.
100. "Here Come the Men in Black" is not to be played everytime Corporate Thugs appear.