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While I was scribbling down some notes for my next novel, I was thinking about some funny cliches I'd heard from fellow Shadowrun players. Here is a hypothetical set of mission guidelines from Mr. Johnson to the worst Shadowrunners in the world.

(a lot of these are from my players describing their solutions to hypothetical problems before the game)

1. First rule: I don't care if Neo and Trinity did it. You do not have to kill everyone in the lobby when you enter it....
2. In EVERY single lobby you enter...
3. Even when you're not on a mission.
4. The solution to every problem is not put more ammunition into it.
5. Miniguns are not proof God exists...
6. Even if they are THAT sweet.
7. If you think you're being followed, standard procedure is to not to kill every single person whose seen you since leaving the mission site....
8. Especially if you've been broadcast on Horizon TV since that point.
9. The attire of Shadowrunners is designed to be professional and serve as camoflage. It should not include the following....
10. Bellbottoms.
11. Clown Pants.
12. RUBBER pants.
13. The mythical color darker than black.
14. Clothing from John Travolta's Saturday Night Fever.
15. ...or the Village People.
16. Matching Ryu, Ken, and Chun Lee outfits.
17. Bunny Ears.
18. School Girl Uniforms...
19. Even if you ARE a psychotic Shadowrunner Schoolgirl.
20. "I fire a LAW rocket at it" is not an acceptable answer to the Dragon's question of what you're doing in its lair.
21. You are not the One.
22. You are not Batman.
23. It is not acceptable to say you suddenly understand the code in order to win all encounters in the Matrix.
24. "I want to tap that" is not acceptable as a social response to the Elvish Queen from Tir Nanog.
25. Especially if you've got her tied up in the back of your van.
26. Katanas cannot cut through everything....
27. So please stop trying.
28. "Everything Asia is automatically better" is not the secret to success in the business world.
29. Despite the fact that its a fairly safe bet when investing your money in this setting.
30. It is forbidden to implant a cybernetic boombox into yourself so you can have your own soundtrack.
31. Especially not if its only "Kung Fu Fighting"
32. Orc women do not get any better looking after a few drinks.
33. Nor do troll women.
34. You just have low standards.
35. Offering to indulge those low standards won't get you out of trouble with them when they're guards.
36. ...Okay maybe once or twice.
37. Cybernetics in your sex organs are hereby forbidden as a topic of discussion.
38. The same for genetic enhancement.
39. Yes, we know you got it off the net.
40. There have been enough jokes about "Johnson."
41. You cannot have claws like Wolverine.
42. ....even if Molly had them.
43. You cannot speculate on whom would win....
44. Especially during a mission.
45. The objective of a misson is not "wipe out everyone in the building, loot the corpses, and burn it down" by default.
46. ...That's just 96.5% of all missions.
47. Chainsaws in place of your hands are just dumb.
48. Aztlan is not ruled by a sentient tiny dog that likes tacos.
49. Nor can you set him up as dictator.
50. Cops are not to be referred to as the slang "target practice."
51. Killing Dwarves is not to be done out of hand....
52. Because Dwarves are dumb.
53. The same applies to halflings, gnomes, and all short races.
54. Your ultimate spending goal is not tactical nuclear warheads.
55. Psychotic degeneration of the psyche from cybernetics is not to be viewed as a benefit.
56. Trenchcoats, Katanas, Bullet proof vests, mirrorshades, and machine guns are not the only thing that people wear in the future.
57. ....just people in your profession.
58. Corporate HQs are not to be referred to as 'Dungeons.'
59. The first place to look for the Vampire lord of the city is not at a LARP.
60. The UCAS is not to be referred to as "the Blue States" zone.
61. The Confederates are not to be referred as "The Red States."
62. The split is not because of the 2004 election.
63. It's just one of the major causes.
64. The Great Old Ones coming from Aztlan are not a 'kickass opportunity for a Delta Green crossover.'
65. Running around the southern portion of North America in an orange vehicle with the Confederacy flag is not a way to 'blend in.'
66. You will kindly cease asking about the cost of sexaroids.
68. OR TWO.
69. Catgirls are not the greatest benefit of science in the future.
70. ...Just one of them.
71. It is wrong to hire another less experienced Shadowrunner team to go on ahead and use them for 'trap bait.'
72. The Great Crash was not caused by Windows.
73. Or Y3K.
74. Nor was the Second.
75. Boondock Saints is not the Manifesto of being a Shadowrunner.
76. ...only Irish ones.
77. Nicole Kidman is not an elf.
78. I don't care how often you argue it.
79. Anyone whom says Gibson missed a major opportunity by not having dragons and elves in his novels is not getting this job.
80. Novatech is not run by the Kennedys.
81. Washington D.C. is not to be described as "A place even less effective as a center for leadership than it was in the 20th century."
82. Tying two magic katanas together with a chain will not make it twice as effective.
83. Mitsuhama was not made from Walmart.
84. You suspected he was a Terminator is not an excuse for using a rocket launcher on him.
85. ...especially after the first three random uses.
86. FOR ZION is not to be shouted whenever you kill dozens of people with wirefu gunplay....
87. Yes, even if your character is Jewish.
88. Spending your money on plastic surgery to look like Tom Cruise will not get you a Nicole Kidman looking elf.
89. You cannot wield TWO miniguns.
90. The Jungle is not a place to go Predator hunting....
91. You cannot hire Evo to make you a Predator to go hunting in the Jungle.
92. You cannot go to Japan just to see if you can find Public Security Section 9.
93. I doubt Motoko Kusanagi would want to speak with you anyway.
94. You cannot have a lightsaber.
95. Shadowrunning is not to be described as "solving the world's over population problem."
96. You CAN blow half of your payment on women, booze, and wild parties.
97...Just don't spend the other half foolishly.
98. It is not possible to get a genetic enhancement or spell so you can go Chibi whenever you panic.
99. A Technomancer's natural enemy is not the Order of Hermes.
100. "Here Come the Men in Black" is not to be played everytime Corporate Thugs appear.
*rotfl* Is it allowed to quote you in another forum?
QUOTE (Oracle)
*rotfl* Is it allowed to quote you in another forum?

By all means!

If I can't get past a moment of writer's block in a book. I'm happy to get past it in other ways.


This reads like The 213 things Skippy Can't Do (In the U.S. Army)

I will send Shadowrunners to beat you if you do not create more.

[Edit]: Typo.
QUOTE (Willowhugger)
24. "I want to tap that" is not acceptable as a social response to the Elvish Queen from Tir Nanog.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that it is the only socially acceptable response to one of the Queens from Tir Na Nog. In fact, not drooling over that particular Queen as if you were the wolf from a Tex Avery cartoon would pretty much assure your death. facelick.gif

Just make sure it isn't Lady Brane Deigh. Wolfwhistling at her would just be silly. nyahnyah.gif
OOC: Actually its based on my Eberron list and "Runs like Hell" from White Wolf but THOSE are based on skippy. Those darn memes!

Everyone else is free to contribute too.

But okay...

101. The following catch phrases are forbidden....
102."I'll be back."
103. "Hasta La Vista baby."
104. "You're terminated muther*******."
105. "I know Kung Fu."
106. "There is no Spoon."
107. "Are you out of your damn minds?"
"No, out of bullets."
108. "I can dodge bullets?"
"I'm saying when the time is right, you won't have to."
109. "Warrrriorssss...come out and playyyyyyyyyyy."
110. You are not allowed to Narrate every scene by making your fellow players look to be idiots.
111. Even if your player character thinks this.
112. Street Samurai does not necessarily mean you carry a sword....
113. AT ALL TIMES....
114. Including sex!
115. I'll buy you keep a gun under your pillow but not a MINIGUN...
117. It is ridiculous to waste time RPGing your Matrix sex with every single anime girl you've ever liked.
118. The guy who just wants real actresses is not cooler.
119. Trolls do not have enormous genitalia....
120. Even if they did, they cannot be used as clubs when other weapons are not available.
121. Keanu Reeves is not an elf.
122. Even if it would explain why he looks like a girl but not.
123. The reason the world is the way it is, is not because the 80s came back with a vengeance.
124. It is wrong to ask if you can import your D&D characters to the setting....
125. Or your Exalted characters...
126. Call of Cthulhu will last approximately 30 seconds before they go insane from viewing a catgirl. Not very tough those guys.
127. Appropriate dress for meeting the CEO of the Board is not a T-shirt, sneakers, and jeans....
128. Unless you're the Chairman.
129. The first Triple-A company was not Walmart.
130...It only looks that way.
131. Vending Machines do not dispense Catgirls in the future....
132. Though they really should.
133. Conner Macleod is not a Shadowrunner...
134. Nor is Blade.
135. Nor is Ripley.
136. Space Marines are not the equivalent of Bugbears.
137. World of Warcraft is not a historical simulationist game.
138. Warhammer might qualify as the future.
139. Catgirls wrestling Elves is not the preferred porn of the future.
140. Why? Because orcs buy a LOT of porn....
141. More than your average Gamer Geek.
142. Netspeak in normal conversations is punishable by being shot in the face.
143. Survivors will be shot again.
144. It is not appropriate conversation to ask why Dragons always want maidens in addition to cash....
145. It's like Jabba the Hutt and Leia, you don't want to know the answer.
146. 20,000 police officers after you in the city is not to be viewed as an opportunity for practicing your skills.
147. Do not constantly bring up the Matrix was crappily designed if it kills its users.
148. The fact it only crashed TWICE in the decades it ran is a MAJOR achievement.
149. Shakespeare's a Midsummer Night's Dream shall not be changed to have the lovers turn machine guns on the faeries at the end....
150. Especially as a way to cover your mass murder of the Elven Court.
151. You cannot call your Troll "Chewie"
152. Or his partner "Han."
153. "Hello Clarice" is not to be spoken to every police officer who questions your involvement in a massacre.
154. The first five were bad enough.
155. You are not a ninja.
156. I don't care what the books say.
157. Ninjas do not flip out and kill everyone....
158. That's just PCs.
159. Yes, Cyborg Ninja was cool in Metal Gear.
160. But that doesn't mean EVERY DAMN PLAYER CHARACTER must be him.
161. It is permissible to play a lesbian Shadowrunner....
162. And a Stripper....
163....and yes, MAYBE a Ninja.
164. Combining the four is forbidden.
165. It is wrong to hire people to genetically engineer killer rabbits as your familiar....
166. Especially just to make Monty Python jokes.
167. It is wrong to invite bad guys to the local chess house so you can re-enact scenes from Hero.
168. Bubblegum Crisis does not refer to your stock in a candy company going down....
169. Especially if you blew it up.
170. Donnie Yen, Jet Li, and Chow Yun Fat have better things to do than play your characters...
171. You're forbidden to clone them in order to star in your movie.
172. Stealing a gas truck to crash into the side of a building is not the opening strategy to every mission.
173. Neither if liquid nitrogen.
174. Turtle people are not an accepted metahuman race...
175. Especially so they can be ninjas.
176. Being a female is not an excuse to try to use sex appeal in EVERY encounter.
177. Flame throwers, grenades, and chain guns are not acceptable for social engagements to pick up new missions.
178. Yes, I KNOW you'll need them.
179. Uma Thurman is not an elf either....
180. STOP that.
181. John Rhys Davis IS a dwarf though.
182. I know you don't care.
183. Any product from Asia does not get an automatic +1.
184. Scientists are not automatically building weapons of mass destruction.
185. Barely 80% of their advances today are devoted to killing large numbers of people.
186. No, I don't know whom corporations sell their weapons to if they control the world and all the governments are bankrupt.
187...Each other I guess!
189. Yes, I realize that technically they're not corporations at all but socialist governments with a GDP as described in the book!
190. It's just cooler that way!
191. No, sexaroids still aren't available.
192. You cannot have a Catgirl back at your apartment.
193. You're still not Batman.
194. Batman Beyond will not be spoken of as an influence.
195. Even if it was pretty sweet.
196. I didn't say 195.
197. Arguements over whether Decker was a Replicant or not shall be settled by machine gun duels.
198. Payment shall not be in Gold Coins, Gemstones, and Magic Wands.
199. That's for really IMPORTANT missions.
200. Rambo is not your copilot.
Still waiting for a Drop Bear-related #. (Did you hear that, Brother Oracle?) biggrin.gif

#1 is still my favourite biggrin.gif biggrin.gif
No Brother. I read it. biggrin.gif


201. Alright wiseguys, which one of you had the Drop Bears engineered?
202. It HAD to have been a Player Character.
203. Maybe you had it done to give to a girlfriend you wanted to get rid of...
204. Maybe you were just starved for familiar options.
205. Maybe you were just BORED.
206. In any case, the damage is done and there is no stopping them.
207. I for one welcome our Vampire Koala overlords.
208. I point out as a recognizable corporate personality that I could be helpful to them in their blood eucolyptus fields.
209. Wait? You mean it was a hoax? They're not taking over...uhhhh....
210. I was just kidding of course.
211. It's wrong to tatoo magical runes on their bellies related to caring.
212. Funny, but wrong.
213. You can't do a Crocodile Hunter voice while hunting them.
214. Crocodile Dundee wouldn't touch the things.
215. It's wrong to send Space Marines unprepared in to eliminate the "Xenomorphs"
216. They deserve more respect than that.
218. Oh Har Har guys, who put the plushie of one in my office....
220. *system feed dies*
221. Okay, cybernetic leg replacement completed.....It is wrong to recruit thousands of Drop bears to assault heavily fortified military compounds.
222. ...Especially for re-enacting the 'Battle of Endor.'
223. Drop Bears are not a perfect present for a Elven Princess.
QUOTE (Willowhugger)
96. You CAN blow half of your payment on women, booze, and wild parties.
97...Just don't spend the other half foolishly.

Hmmm... the last campaign we played, one of the players made a ganger character who did spend all her payment on the largest street party in Seattle. Then, the next time GM foolishly gave us lots of nuyen (he was paying us close to millions each time, it was ridiculous), the same character used that payment for the largest fuel air bomb she could get so she could hit Council Island and do as much damage as possible. Good times, good times. eek.gif
QUOTE (Willowhugger)
197. Arguements over whether Decker was a Replicant or not shall be settled by machine gun duels.

It's "Deckard". I only bring up this correction cause 'Decker' makes it a bit confusing considering the SR setting...
SL James
QUOTE (Willowhugger)
77. Nicole Kidman is not an elf.

... She just had a lot of plastic surgery.

Seriously. That woman barely looks human anymore.
James McMurray
41. You cannot have claws like Wolverine.

Those are actually canon cyberspurs.

Funny list.
224. Michael Jackson IS a Horror
QUOTE (SL James)
QUOTE (Willowhugger @ May 30 2006, 01:58 AM)
77. Nicole Kidman is not an elf.

... She just had a lot of plastic surgery.

Seriously. That woman barely looks human anymore.

Don't get me started on Molly Ringwald. Now THAT woman is a Horror!
John Campbell
QUOTE (Willowhugger)
20. "I fire a LAW rocket at it" is not an acceptable answer to the Dragon's question of what you're doing in its lair.

Actually, I think that's one of the few answers that gives you a slim chance of getting out of there in one piece. Assuming that it's not a Great Dragon. (The lizard, not the LAW.)

41. You cannot have claws like Wolverine.
42. ....even if Molly had them.

She didn't. Hers were razors that came out from under her fingernails.

179. Uma Thurman is not an elf either....

Like hell she's not. Look at her face! Does that look like a normal human to you?
225. "Nuke the site from orbit. Only way to be sure." is NOT an acceptable response to encounters with corp guards.
226. No, not for encounters with insect spirits, either.
227. NO! You don't even have the means! you?
228. "Ok, we hire an elite team of mercenaries..." is also not acceptable. You ARE the elite team of mercenaries.
229. Nobody is likely to be eaten by a Grue. I don't care WHERE you are.
230. Yes, I'm sure.
231. While booby-trapping new team members' vehicles isn't expressly forbidden, it is considered rude.
232. Even though it's come in handy.
233. Shouts of "KHAAAAAAAAAN!" are limited to one per character, per run.
234. Nobody cares if you really do know Kung Fu.
235. "RUN, NIGGAS!" is NOT the same as, "RETREAT!"
236. Ok, for the last time. After you kill ANY female, there IS NO "5 MINUTE RULE."
237. No matter how hot she used to be.
238. Yes, it still counts if she's not quite dead. You perverts.
(Good to be back, guys.)
279. It is acceptable to have codenames for your character. These however must not be embarrassing like "Pokemaster291" or "DarthGay22"
280. Stop trying to pass off your Steel Lynx as a Tachikoma.
281. ...And stop using that squeaky voice!
282. The New Revolution were not founded by people trying to drive out illegal immigrants.
283. The California Free State does not have "Escape from LA" as a Guidebook.
284. "Escape from New York" technically IS accurate but that's beside the point.
285. Quebec is not to be destroyed out of hand.
286. French Canadians will NOT roll over if you attack it with a butterknife.
287. Aztlan is not capable of being defeated by small pox and sexually transmitted diseases you bring to the country.
288. You cannot distract the Troll guard with three billy goats.
289. Tibet did not become a free nation because of Richard Gere.
290. It is wrong to sell Dragon and Witch porn on the internet.
291. Especially of the President and the VP.
292. Dealing with Sioux ambassadors is not to be done by offering them 24 credits and some shiny beads for their territory.
293. Technomancers should not be called "Virtual Adepts" or "Sons of Ether."
294. No, you can't have armor shaped like a Batsuit.
295. It's a tad CONSPICIOUS for a Shadowrunner.
296. doesn't MATTER if you intend to leave no survivors.
297. It should be noted that not EVERY occasion requires you to dress like a member of KISS.
298. All music in the future is not 80s metal.
299. Or nineties techno.
300. Blowing up Parliament on Guy Fawkes Day is not a British tradition.
301. "Remember, Remember the Fifth of November." is not your catchphrase.
302. It is forbidden to use AOL instant messanger to talk with Mr. Johnson.
303. When I...I mean IF I betray you. The proper response is not to send naked pictures of me across the net.
304. Shadowrun is not to be termed "Grand Theft Auto: 2070."
305. I don't care if you can do it in Grand Theft Auto, you can't steal a jet for your next mission.
306. It is not acceptable to have a fake sin for Elvix.
307. Do not bring explosive ammunition on a stealth mission.
308. If your using a phys mask wear clothes underneath.
309. Do NOT have shadowrunner listed as an offical job for your fake sin.
310. Yes, you can have a drone that looks and acts like Gir...
311. ...after you think long and hard about what that really means.
312. "Lootnannies" are acceptable, but only if (a) you're not in the middle of a firefight, an escape, or a meet with Mr. Johnson, and (b) you don't have to make more than 2 trips.
QUOTE (John Campbell)
179. Uma Thurman is not an elf either....

Like hell she's not. Look at her face! Does that look like a normal human to you?

Uma Thurman is, quite obviously, a Swordmaster Adept. This means that she must be an Immortal Elf.
QUOTE (Smiley)
236. Ok, for the last time. After you kill ANY female, there "IS NO 5% MINUTE RULE."

OK, explain this one. Or is the "%" a typo?
312. "Lootnannies" are acceptable, but only if (a) you're not in the middle of a firefight, an escape, or a meet with Mr. Johnson, and (b) you don't have to make more than 2 trips.

reference "Lootnannies" please?
312 rules and not a single one about Ally Spirits, Swordfish Mustardballs, or Spaghetti monsters? Tsk
QUOTE (warrior_allanon)
312. "Lootnannies" are acceptable, but only if (a) you're not in the middle of a firefight, an escape, or a meet with Mr. Johnson, and (b) you don't have to make more than 2 trips.

reference "Lootnannies" please?

Maybe he means a "Hootenanny"?

hootenannies, hootnannies
1. colloq
An informal concert of folk music.

Etymology: Early 20c.
James McMurray
Lootnanny is the newest in corpse robber software. It stops your underage murdering shadowrunners from looting any adult materials from the security gaurds they kill.
Lootenanies are like hootenannies, only they involve looting.
Lootenanies are like hootenannies, only they involve looting.

Hmm..looting to folk music..
From my cyberpunk novel's more Shadowrunny elements.....

*pulls out gun*

"In no way is this advertisement to buy them"

"Move along."

Book 1

313. When the Megacorporation is devoting 40% of its fiscal resources to a project. Its probably up to no good.
314. If you're a geeky computer nerd with a hot Amazon Redheaded girlfriend. Perhaps you should be suspicious.
315. If you're computer designer mentor is named "Von Neuman" then he's probably using an alias.
316. When the black ops team shows up, MAYBE just maybe things gone beyond negotiations.
317. If you're other girlfriend can control the net perfectly and breaks people's necks with her bare hands she might be someone to worry about offending.
318. If you get a call to bond with your father whose not spoken to you in 10 years just after you accomplish a big project, its probably a trap.
319. Don't trust your mother in this setting either.
320. Sex in Cyberspace is great, Sex in the Real World is great. If you can combine them, even better.
321. If the terrorist said you'll be fine then you should consider the source.
322. If the corporate-fascist government insists everything was a cyberspace based delusion, you should probably take it with a grain of salt.
323. Computer designers with Apocalyptical Religious Beliefs should not be recruited to design your world spanning AI.
324. A Earth to Moon starship named the Titanic should not be your first choice in escape vehicle.
325. When they use a repulsor gunship to blow up your apartment then its probably past the point of your losing your job.
326. There is nothing at all strange that they built the city OVER all the skyscrappers that a sensible man would just demolish to replace....
327. Otherwise how would you have a cool under-city?
328. Geeky computer nerds should question fighting insane cyborged up secret agents.
329....unless they've got a huge gun.
330. Any AI named "Legion", "Overlord", or "Project Apocalypse" is probably something that isn't meant to do taxes.
331. Satelite weapons aren't for private use....
332. Unless you really need one.

Book 2

333. The proper solution when losing a child is to mourn, not build a robot duplicate.
334. Cyberspace is not populated by the ghosts of your dead children and girlfriends.
335. Your creepy neanderthal ex-mentor is not someone to turn to when feeling down about your divorce.
336. Nanotechnology is the bees knees but perhaps you should question when your mentor laughs manically when he discusses it.
337. Creepy isolated asylums off the grid are not places to do proper laboratory research.
338. Satellite weapons are STILL not your friend.
339. ...unless you really need them.
340. Genetically engineered Tiger-Human Hybrids Warrior Cybots are not pets.
341. ...even if they are cute!
342. Beware of any scientist who slips the word "Survival of the Fittest", "Evolve by Pruning the Evolutionary tree", "Restoring the world by cleansing the filfth of the city" into causal conversation.
343. Immortality is cool but can be a pain in the ass if buried alive.
344. Cyborg Ninja Girls are not your automatic love interest for the story....
345. Especially if they're supposed to be dead!
346. Robot replacements for your children should not be outfitted with near unlimited computing and physical power.
347. Always beware any privately owned estate based on Dante's Inferno.
348. When the staff of a hospital is made of ex-murderers and robots, then perhaps you should question the care it provides.

And from my first game (because I made plenty of mistakes first time out....)

349. Alright, no DIRECT conversions of anime characters allowed.
350. Look, there IS a Bubblegum Crisis and Tank Police game already ya know? We don't HAVE to play another game if you want to play those.
351. Sigh....okay, Wolverine is expected.
352. You know, antisocial introvert hackers are very in-genre but rather HARD to get in the game itself.
353. No, the Matrix is wireless now.....err I SUPPOSE you can keep the spike in your head if you want.
354. I don't think the setting allows you to buy a minigun at the local grocery store.
355. Your Troll and Orc cannot be based on Starsky and Hutch.
356. ESPECIALLY not the remake.
357. No, the Confederacy is not to be referred to as the Bible Belt.
358. I suppose killing ALL the suspects would resolve the issue quickly...
QUOTE (Trax)
QUOTE (FrostyNSO @ May 30 2006, 10:20 PM)
Lootenanies are like hootenannies, only they involve looting.

Hmm..looting to folk music..

It IS more entertaining if you play some banjo getaway music while taking everything that's not nailed down.

And yes, the % was a typo. I fixed it.
359. You cannot have Hestaby as you familiar.
360. or a cat girl.
361. in descibing your character, the terms "jedi-like" and "sith-esque" are strickly forbidden.
362. No you can't use "delay damage 2" on the Johnson.
363. No you cannot take an active skill in "sex"
364. but you can have it as a knowledge skill.
365. "Picking up a Catgirl" is not an active skill
366. No you can't roll a suprise test when you drop you pants to pantronize a hooker.
367. Desipite popular belief, a kill count in the three digit range, is not impressive.
368. Especially if they were named NPCs.
369. NO, you can't cast mind probe on the GM.
370. When asked why your character does things to piss off the GM (who is the game's "god"), "my character is an aetheist" is not an acceptable answer.
371. No you can't take a Horror as an ally spirit.
372. OR a mentor spirit.
373. The phrase, "praise the lord and pass the ammunition" is not an appropriate pray to say over the grave of a fallen comrade.
374. Direct quotes of crockadile dundee, are strictly forbidden.
375. having your character narate his own actions is NOT cool.
376. No you can't have a "get out of jail free" card.
377. I don't care if you stole it out of my monopoly game.
378. No you can't borrow my notes on the run to read while you use the bathroom.
379. I don't care if it will help you plan.
380. The following words are not allowed to be used to describe you character's vehicle.
381. "Psychadelic"
382. "Love Machine"
383. "Chick Magnet"
384. You can try to sucker punch a great dragon.
385. your just going to regret it later.
386. Keano Reeves is not a good actor to get, "roleplaying influences" from
387. Nor is Sean Conory.
388. Yes Vin Diesel Roleplays.
389. No I'm not going to try and get him to join our group.
390. No you can't take a specialization of "picking up chicks", on your Etiquette skill.
DuckEggBlue Omega
391. No, you can NOT have sex with your ally spirit
392. ...unless it's Dikoted.
SL James
393. when someone asks if you're a God, you say "YES!"
394. You don't ask your Johnson those *really* stupid questions - inquiry like "Can you find me a few pounds of plutonium?" is unprofessional.
395. Combat round is 3 seconds - you CAN'T cram a ten minute's woth of words into one complex action.
396. "It's much easier to apologize than it is to get permission" doesn't mean it's OK to try out every stupid idea just to see how the GM will handle it.
397. Your armor is no protection against ICBCs (Intercontinental Ballistic Cows) launched by the GM.
398. You *can* have Conspiracy Theories as a knowledge skill - but don't act surprised if it gives your GM ideas.
399. Never, ever give the DM ideas he can use against you or your team.
400. It is permissible to give the DM ideas he can use against a specific other player, but it may bring retaliation onto your character or you.
401. Put that down.
402. Now, not in a minute.
403. Read and re-read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates. It will come in handy.
404. Shadowrun is not the planet Earth after D20 modern and White Wolf 'heroes' got done with it.
405. Though it would explain a few things.
406. All females do not exist solely to be your PC's sex toys.
407. The Second Crash was not caused by your badassitude forcing an edition change.
408. It is wrong to stun rather than kill you can sell their organs later.
409. Your PCs wearing his sunglasses ALL the time makes him look like Eurotrash more than cool.
410. Not all Nightclubs are going to be open 24/7 with huge active dance floors cover in smoke....most will be out of basements of warehouses open once or twice a week.
411. You cannot kill people with explosive playing cards...
412. You are not Gambit damnit!
413. Anime does not make everything better!
414: Turn off the laptop NOW.
415: No, i do NOT want to see another funny video clip.
416: No, no theme music eaither. OFF, NOW.
417: WHY is your laptop the only place you keep your character sheet?
418: print it out. or handcopy. I dont care, just make a hardcopy of it.
419. Anime is not an acceptable influence on your character.
420. Unless its Jubei cause he is just bad.
421. No you cannot have your D&D character in SR.
422. This is not D20 Modern with elves.
423. No really.
424. Nor can you have your Vampire Character.
425. I have an idea, "BE ORIGINAL"
426. An Assault Rifle round to the head is not an effective interrogation technique.
427. Even if it's a troll.
428. Not all female elves are hot, assassins, and lesbians.
429. Just all the ones you will ever meet.
430. The whole Solid Snake humping tranquilized guards thing got old REAL quick.
431. When you successfully con someone to thinking you're a guard, the best use of this advantage is not to shoot him in the head.
432. Please stop repeating the phrase "Life is nothing but witches and nunyens homie."
433. The point of Shadowrun is not to become the Most Wanted Man in the world.
434. You cannot play a cop named "Ten Penny."
435. Samuel L. Jackson is not every single character you've ever played.
436. Enough with the jokes about how difficult it is to climb Troll women.
437. Don't be so desperate as to ask for sex from an orc becasue the answer will ALWAYS be yes no matter the circumstances, gender, or time.
438. Yes, I realize that 4th Edition page 95 is an Orc Chun Lee. They're still trying to convince us Orc women can be pretty.
439. Your all Dwarf Shadowrun team should not have the motto "We're back and Beardier than ever."
440. That doesn't even make SENSE.
441. Metal Gear Solid VR play does not qualify as Shadow Run training.
442. It is wrong to burn Crosses on Human Polic's lawns.
443. Burn them on the Human Polic period.
444. It is wrong to intimidate guardsmen by having your troll or orc ask if they're "white meat" or "dark meat"?
445. Azentech should not be called "Bannana Republic stores"
446. Your team leader should not be called "Captain Murphy."
447. Please inform the troll that clogging up their toilets is not a plan.
448. No sane man goes to the bathroom after a Troll.
449. You can hide an AK-47 in there I know....
450. It doesn't mean you SHOULD.
451. Referring to 437, yes I suppose all male orcs are ugly and girl orcs just have cute little tusks. Now stop pointing out out!
452. Yes, your orc girlfriend is up for ANYTHING we know....
Hilarious. Keep 'em comin'.
SL James
QUOTE (Willowhugger @ May 31 2006, 08:49 PM)
439. Your all Dwarf Shadowrun team should not have the motto "We're back and Beardier than ever."

Heh. I'm sure, "Hi-Ho, hi-Ho, off to work we go..." will suffice.

Dwarves... God's cruelest joke.

181. John Rhys Davies IS a dwarf though.

And Egyptian buddy of Indiana Jones.

Or a quatum science professor on a crappy FOX show.

Or a creepy gay professor who hits on his students.

Take your pick.

DuckEggBlue Omega
You forgot a space fighter pilot codenamed Paladin.

Or any of the other 150+ things listed on his IMDB profile.
I understand that John Rhys-Davies is actually about six feet tall.
Six-Four, he was the tallest member of the LOTR cast, the next closest was Viggo Mortensen at 6'1". Watch Raiders some time, he towers over Harrison Ford.

453. Not every characters has to duel wield.
454. Yes I know, it looks cool.
455. More explosives is not the right answer to "How do we enter the building".
456. Seatbelts are a must.
457. Especially when your plan involves a head-on-collision.
458. Even for the Troll.
459. I know the rules say you can survive a 50 story fall.
460. That doesn't mean you will survive it "intact".
461. Do not strip, draw on, dye hair, write on, or any other prank to the decker/hacker while he or she is in the matrix.
462. You can however do anything you want to an astrally projecting magicians body.
463. Just be aware that they will manabolt you into a stain on the wall if you do it and don't hide the evidence well enough.
464. If the mission calls for subtlery that doesn't mean bring a panther cannon and a grenade launcher.
465. While grenades are effective for dealing with clusters you should not throw them at terrorists when they are holding guns to the hostages.
466. Don't give the platnium doc wagon contract to the team hypocondriac.
467. Nor should you give him a book of diseases.
Another 100 inspired by actual play events.

I think these are some of my best.

468. It is wrong to deliberately withhold the names of your family so the Storyteller can't kill them off.
469. When Mr. Johnson says that you won't need your guns, you will.
470. When Mr. Johnson says it'll be well within your abilities to do it, it won't.
471. When Mr. Johnson says that its just some minor datatampering, it'll change the face of information forever.
472. When Mr. Johnson says he'll pay after the job, he won't.
473. When Mr. Johnson says he wants no causalties, he probably expects you to waste everyone.
474. When Mr. Johnson says that its not illegal, I don't even have to say it do I?
475. When Mr. Johnson says it'll be light resistance, expect the whole damn army.
476. When Mr. Johnson says that you're mission is secret, everyone knows about it.
477. When Mr. Johnson says you can't open the case, you probably should.
478. ...and if it explodes, that's to be expected too.
479. If the target is going to be a biological research lab, expect it to be like Resident Evil.
480. If the target is going to be a magical research lab, expect it to be like Doom.
481. If the target is going to be a corporate executive's home, expect it to be like James Bond.
482. If the target is going to be rescuing a person, expect it to be like the Matrix.
483. If the target is going to be killing someone, expect it to be described as a simple sniper job....
484. And then end up being like WW2.
485. If the target is the mafia, expect them to have hundreds of disposable thugs.
486. If the target is the government, expect them to have hundreds of disposable thugs.
487. If the target is a corporation, expect them to have hundreds of disposable thugs.
488. If the target is a Dragon, expect him to eat you by himself.
489. If the payment is in hard cash nunyens, expect them to be counterfeit.
490. If the payment is electronic, expect it to be stolen from someone's account.
491. If the payment is in equipment, expect it to be faulty.
482. If the payment is in information, expect it to be something about to be public anyway.
483. If the payment is in gems, it's probably reproductions.
484. If the payments in drugs, expect the henchmen to smoke it all before you can sell it.
485. If the payment is in kind, just hope its not a man.
486. All Elves should be expected to be haughty, hippie, sexually free yet arrogant bastards.
487. All Dwarves should be expected to be gruff, workaholic, alcoholic, violence crazy bastards.
488. All Trolls should be expected to be angry, violence prone, easily insulted, and just smart enough to not take any &@@* bastards.
489. All Humans should be expected to be frustrated, money crazed, nihilistic, and sexually hungry folk that nevertheless may end up not giving you the time of day unless you shell out for it bastards.
490. All Dragons should be expected to be supergenius, supermanipulative, superpowerful, and superwealthy folk who only need to exist to treat you like dirt bastards.
491. All Orcs should be expected to have no concept of hygeine, morality, social mores, or numbers in battle bastards.
492. All Vampires should be expected to be bloodsuckers in a metaphorical manner, think that they're in either an Anne Rice novel, or the lords of the club scene bastards.
493. All Ghouls she be expected to be wise, articulant, congenial individuals who will wait for you to die before eating you....psyche. No, just a bunch of snarling, slavering, psycho bastards there too.
494. The cost of your lifestyle is going to be inversely proportional to the amount you get on your usual runs.
495. You will always have a job that will pay off all of your debts just at the last moment....
496. So you might as well live it up since they'll be suicidally dangerous low or high.
497. If a man comes onto you, he's an assassin sent to kill you.
498. If a woman comes onto you, she's an assassin sent to kill you.
499. If you come onto an attractive member of the appropriate gender for sex they're....
500. On the run and needs your help.
501. An assassin sent to kill you.
502. Deeply in debt to a local mafisio/corporate shark/Dragon.
503. A android replica of a real person
504. The ultimate weapon created in a lab and now needing to mate.
505. All of the above.
506. The Religious will either be...
507. Crazy Fundamentalists with an utter hatred of metahumans and magic.
508. Secret Agents of the Vatican.
509. Perfectly innocent decent people out to make the world a better place (and thus dead men walking)
510. Possessed of some dark past they're making up for or still part of.
511. Police officers are....
512. On the take of the corporations.
513. On the take of the local mafia.
514. Honest folk of the same sex are caught in a bad situation (and thus the dead walking)
515. Honest folk of the different sex caught in a bad situation and thus booty for Shadowrunners who can solve their problems but must leave because they're at heart criminals.
516. Psychotics who get off on the power.
517. All of the above.
518. Corporate Executives are....
519. The Anti-Christ.
520. Slavering Toadies.
521. Yuppie Scum.
522. Trying to make a difference (and thus dead men walking x2)
523. Possessed of a God Complex
524. All of the above.
525. All AI are....
526. Psychotically hateful of humans.
527. The uploaded memories of a former friend/lover of the PCs.
528. Seemingly omnipotent despite the sheer volume of times crazy AI have nearly destroyed the world.
529. Possessed of a fatal attraction to the PCs.
530. All of the above.
531. Cybernetics....
532. Make you go crazy.
533. Can be hijacked to make you do evil actions.
534. Have their own souls.
535. Frequently break down.
536. Are able to be disabled easily resulting in you lugging around useless metal.
537. Disgustingly hard to keep in good shape.
538. All of the above.
539. All people who live in arcologies are....
540. Going to die horribly when their isolated environment is compromised...
541. Slavering Corporate Drones....
542. Members of insane cults....
543. Cannon fodder for the PCs.
544. People whom are horribly WRONG on some level.
546. All of the above.
547. If Mr. Johnson is a pasty faced white man in a business suit, he works for a corporation.
548. If Mr. Johnson is a woman she'll try and seduce one of the PCs or all of them to something beyond the contract.
549. If Mr. Johnson is an elf, he's working to destroy the humans.
550. If Mr. Johnson is a dwarf, he's a gobetweener for someone else.
551. If Mr. Johnson is an orc then the PCs are stupid for taking the contract because he's a front man for them being set up.
552. If Mr. Johnson is a vampire then the PCs are going to end up hunted by the undead for some reason.
553. If Mr. Johnson is a Troll then he's probably doing something outrageous so someone will look beyond his race.
554. If Mr. Johnson is a fellow Shadowrunner, the PCs are ****ed are taking the heat for them.
555. If Mr. Johnson is a catgirl, your ST is a pervert.
556. Stock in a company is always going to be frozen when you invariably tick off the corporation.
557. All apartments will eventually be destroyed.
558. All physical assets will eventually be removed.
559. Enjoy them while you can.
560. All government agents are....
561. Fascist.
562. Incompetent.
563. Paranoid.
564. Tools of the corporations.
565. All of the above.
566. Like you didn't know that one.
567. All corporations are devoted more to world domination than making money.
568. All corporations secretly want to be governments which is why they became rich rather than to be rich.
SL James
569. If you wake up in a strange house with no memory of the last two weeks and ten million nuyen sitting in a suitcase, don't try and figure out what happened.
514. Honest folk of the same sex are caught in a bad situation (and thus the dead walking)
515. Honest folk of the different sex caught in a bad situation and thus booty for Shadowrunners who can solve their problems but must leave because they're at heart criminals.
517. All of the above.

I didn't realize the police force had any notable number of transgendered individuals.
Supposedly it helps them identify with some of the issues elements of the population they serve may be facing.
You never can answer what Elvish policemen are.
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