[Humor] Things that Mr. Johnson forbids.... Options

[Willowhugger]

While I was scribbling down some notes for my next novel, I was thinking about some funny cliches I'd heard from fellow Shadowrun players. Here is a hypothetical set of mission guidelines from Mr. Johnson to the worst Shadowrunners in the world.

(a lot of these are from my players describing their solutions to hypothetical problems before the game)

1. First rule: I don't care if Neo and Trinity did it. You do not have to kill everyone in the lobby when you enter it....
2. In EVERY single lobby you enter...
3. Even when you're not on a mission.
4. The solution to every problem is not put more ammunition into it.
5. Miniguns are not proof God exists...
6. Even if they are THAT sweet.
7. If you think you're being followed, standard procedure is to not to kill every single person whose seen you since leaving the mission site....
8. Especially if you've been broadcast on Horizon TV since that point.
9. The attire of Shadowrunners is designed to be professional and serve as camoflage. It should not include the following....
10. Bellbottoms.
11. Clown Pants.
12. RUBBER pants.
13. The mythical color darker than black.
14. Clothing from John Travolta's Saturday Night Fever.
15. ...or the Village People.
16. Matching Ryu, Ken, and Chun Lee outfits.
17. Bunny Ears.
18. School Girl Uniforms...
19. Even if you ARE a psychotic Shadowrunner Schoolgirl.
20. "I fire a LAW rocket at it" is not an acceptable answer to the Dragon's question of what you're doing in its lair.
21. You are not the One.
22. You are not Batman.
23. It is not acceptable to say you suddenly understand the code in order to win all encounters in the Matrix.
24. "I want to tap that" is not acceptable as a social response to the Elvish Queen from Tir Nanog.
25. Especially if you've got her tied up in the back of your van.
26. Katanas cannot cut through everything....
27. So please stop trying.
28. "Everything Asia is automatically better" is not the secret to success in the business world.
29. Despite the fact that its a fairly safe bet when investing your money in this setting.
30. It is forbidden to implant a cybernetic boombox into yourself so you can have your own soundtrack.
31. Especially not if its only "Kung Fu Fighting"
32. Orc women do not get any better looking after a few drinks.
33. Nor do troll women.
34. You just have low standards.
35. Offering to indulge those low standards won't get you out of trouble with them when they're guards.
36. ...Okay maybe once or twice.
37. Cybernetics in your sex organs are hereby forbidden as a topic of discussion.
38. The same for genetic enhancement.
39. Yes, we know you got it off the net.
40. There have been enough jokes about "Johnson."
41. You cannot have claws like Wolverine.
42. ....even if Molly had them.
43. You cannot speculate on whom would win....
44. Especially during a mission.
45. The objective of a misson is not "wipe out everyone in the building, loot the corpses, and burn it down" by default.
46. ...That's just 96.5% of all missions.
47. Chainsaws in place of your hands are just dumb.
48. Aztlan is not ruled by a sentient tiny dog that likes tacos.
49. Nor can you set him up as dictator.
50. Cops are not to be referred to as the slang "target practice."
51. Killing Dwarves is not to be done out of hand....
52. Because Dwarves are dumb.
53. The same applies to halflings, gnomes, and all short races.
54. Your ultimate spending goal is not tactical nuclear warheads.
55. Psychotic degeneration of the psyche from cybernetics is not to be viewed as a benefit.
56. Trenchcoats, Katanas, Bullet proof vests, mirrorshades, and machine guns are not the only thing that people wear in the future.
57. ....just people in your profession.
58. Corporate HQs are not to be referred to as 'Dungeons.'
59. The first place to look for the Vampire lord of the city is not at a LARP.
60. The UCAS is not to be referred to as "the Blue States" zone.
61. The Confederates are not to be referred as "The Red States."
62. The split is not because of the 2004 election.
63. It's just one of the major causes.
64. The Great Old Ones coming from Aztlan are not a 'kickass opportunity for a Delta Green crossover.'
65. Running around the southern portion of North America in an orange vehicle with the Confederacy flag is not a way to 'blend in.'
66. You will kindly cease asking about the cost of sexaroids.
67. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE.
68. OR TWO.
69. Catgirls are not the greatest benefit of science in the future.
70. ...Just one of them.
71. It is wrong to hire another less experienced Shadowrunner team to go on ahead and use them for 'trap bait.'
72. The Great Crash was not caused by Windows.
73. Or Y3K.
74. Nor was the Second.
75. Boondock Saints is not the Manifesto of being a Shadowrunner.
76. ...only Irish ones.
77. Nicole Kidman is not an elf.
78. I don't care how often you argue it.
79. Anyone whom says Gibson missed a major opportunity by not having dragons and elves in his novels is not getting this job.
80. Novatech is not run by the Kennedys.
81. Washington D.C. is not to be described as "A place even less effective as a center for leadership than it was in the 20th century."
82. Tying two magic katanas together with a chain will not make it twice as effective.
83. Mitsuhama was not made from Walmart.
84. You suspected he was a Terminator is not an excuse for using a rocket launcher on him.
85. ...especially after the first three random uses.
86. FOR ZION is not to be shouted whenever you kill dozens of people with wirefu gunplay....
87. Yes, even if your character is Jewish.
88. Spending your money on plastic surgery to look like Tom Cruise will not get you a Nicole Kidman looking elf.
89. You cannot wield TWO miniguns.
90. The Jungle is not a place to go Predator hunting....
91. You cannot hire Evo to make you a Predator to go hunting in the Jungle.
92. You cannot go to Japan just to see if you can find Public Security Section 9.
93. I doubt Motoko Kusanagi would want to speak with you anyway.
94. You cannot have a lightsaber.
95. Shadowrunning is not to be described as "solving the world's over population problem."
96. You CAN blow half of your payment on women, booze, and wild parties.
97...Just don't spend the other half foolishly.
98. It is not possible to get a genetic enhancement or spell so you can go Chibi whenever you panic.
99. A Technomancer's natural enemy is not the Order of Hermes.
100. "Here Come the Men in Black" is not to be played everytime Corporate Thugs appear.

[Oracle]

*rotfl* Is it allowed to quote you in another forum?

[Willowhugger]

[ShadowDragon8685]

Willowhugger...

This reads like The 213 things Skippy Can't Do (In the U.S. Army)

I will send Shadowrunners to beat you if you do not create more.



[Edit]: Typo.

[hyzmarca]

[Willowhugger]

OOC: Actually its based on my Eberron list and "Runs like Hell" from White Wolf but THOSE are based on skippy. Those darn memes!

Everyone else is free to contribute too.

But okay...

101. The following catch phrases are forbidden....
102."I'll be back."
103. "Hasta La Vista baby."
104. "You're terminated muther*******."
105. "I know Kung Fu."
106. "There is no Spoon."
107. "Are you out of your damn minds?"
"No, out of bullets."
108. "I can dodge bullets?"
"I'm saying when the time is right, you won't have to."
109. "Warrrriorssss...come out and playyyyyyyyyyy."
110. You are not allowed to Narrate every scene by making your fellow players look to be idiots.
111. Even if your player character thinks this.
112. Street Samurai does not necessarily mean you carry a sword....
113. AT ALL TIMES....
114. Including sex!
115. I'll buy you keep a gun under your pillow but not a MINIGUN...
116. OR A ROCKET LAUNCHER!
117. It is ridiculous to waste time RPGing your Matrix sex with every single anime girl you've ever liked.
118. The guy who just wants real actresses is not cooler.
119. Trolls do not have enormous genitalia....
120. Even if they did, they cannot be used as clubs when other weapons are not available.
121. Keanu Reeves is not an elf.
122. Even if it would explain why he looks like a girl but not.
123. The reason the world is the way it is, is not because the 80s came back with a vengeance.
124. It is wrong to ask if you can import your D&D characters to the setting....
125. Or your Exalted characters...
126. Call of Cthulhu will last approximately 30 seconds before they go insane from viewing a catgirl. Not very tough those guys.
127. Appropriate dress for meeting the CEO of the Board is not a T-shirt, sneakers, and jeans....
128. Unless you're the Chairman.
129. The first Triple-A company was not Walmart.
130...It only looks that way.
131. Vending Machines do not dispense Catgirls in the future....
132. Though they really should.
133. Conner Macleod is not a Shadowrunner...
134. Nor is Blade.
135. Nor is Ripley.
136. Space Marines are not the equivalent of Bugbears.
137. World of Warcraft is not a historical simulationist game.
138. Warhammer might qualify as the future.
139. Catgirls wrestling Elves is not the preferred porn of the future.
140. Why? Because orcs buy a LOT of porn....
141. More than your average Gamer Geek.
142. Netspeak in normal conversations is punishable by being shot in the face.
143. Survivors will be shot again.
144. It is not appropriate conversation to ask why Dragons always want maidens in addition to cash....
145. It's like Jabba the Hutt and Leia, you don't want to know the answer.
146. 20,000 police officers after you in the city is not to be viewed as an opportunity for practicing your skills.
147. Do not constantly bring up the Matrix was crappily designed if it kills its users.
148. The fact it only crashed TWICE in the decades it ran is a MAJOR achievement.
149. Shakespeare's a Midsummer Night's Dream shall not be changed to have the lovers turn machine guns on the faeries at the end....
150. Especially as a way to cover your mass murder of the Elven Court.
151. You cannot call your Troll "Chewie"
152. Or his partner "Han."
153. "Hello Clarice" is not to be spoken to every police officer who questions your involvement in a massacre.
154. The first five were bad enough.
155. You are not a ninja.
156. I don't care what the books say.
157. Ninjas do not flip out and kill everyone....
158. That's just PCs.
159. Yes, Cyborg Ninja was cool in Metal Gear.
160. But that doesn't mean EVERY DAMN PLAYER CHARACTER must be him.
161. It is permissible to play a lesbian Shadowrunner....
162. And a Stripper....
163....and yes, MAYBE a Ninja.
164. Combining the four is forbidden.
165. It is wrong to hire people to genetically engineer killer rabbits as your familiar....
166. Especially just to make Monty Python jokes.
167. It is wrong to invite bad guys to the local chess house so you can re-enact scenes from Hero.
168. Bubblegum Crisis does not refer to your stock in a candy company going down....
169. Especially if you blew it up.
170. Donnie Yen, Jet Li, and Chow Yun Fat have better things to do than play your characters...
171. You're forbidden to clone them in order to star in your movie.
172. Stealing a gas truck to crash into the side of a building is not the opening strategy to every mission.
173. Neither if liquid nitrogen.
174. Turtle people are not an accepted metahuman race...
175. Especially so they can be ninjas.
176. Being a female is not an excuse to try to use sex appeal in EVERY encounter.
177. Flame throwers, grenades, and chain guns are not acceptable for social engagements to pick up new missions.
178. Yes, I KNOW you'll need them.
179. Uma Thurman is not an elf either....
180. STOP that.
181. John Rhys Davis IS a dwarf though.
182. I know you don't care.
183. Any product from Asia does not get an automatic +1.
184. Scientists are not automatically building weapons of mass destruction.
185. Barely 80% of their advances today are devoted to killing large numbers of people.
186. No, I don't know whom corporations sell their weapons to if they control the world and all the governments are bankrupt.
187...Each other I guess!
189. Yes, I realize that technically they're not corporations at all but socialist governments with a GDP as described in the book!
190. It's just cooler that way!
191. No, sexaroids still aren't available.
192. You cannot have a Catgirl back at your apartment.
193. You're still not Batman.
194. Batman Beyond will not be spoken of as an influence.
195. Even if it was pretty sweet.
196. I didn't say 195.
197. Arguements over whether Decker was a Replicant or not shall be settled by machine gun duels.
198. Payment shall not be in Gold Coins, Gemstones, and Magic Wands.
199. That's for really IMPORTANT missions.
200. Rambo is not your copilot.

[Grinder]

Still waiting for a Drop Bear-related #. (Did you hear that, Brother Oracle?) :D

#1 is still my favourite :D :D

[Oracle]

No Brother. I read it. :D

[Willowhugger]

Okay....

I'll do some BECAUSE THEY NEED IT.

201. Alright wiseguys, which one of you had the Drop Bears engineered?
202. It HAD to have been a Player Character.
203. Maybe you had it done to give to a girlfriend you wanted to get rid of...
204. Maybe you were just starved for familiar options.
205. Maybe you were just BORED.
206. In any case, the damage is done and there is no stopping them.
207. I for one welcome our Vampire Koala overlords.
208. I point out as a recognizable corporate personality that I could be helpful to them in their blood eucolyptus fields.
209. Wait? You mean it was a hoax? They're not taking over...uhhhh....
210. I was just kidding of course.
211. It's wrong to tatoo magical runes on their bellies related to caring.
212. Funny, but wrong.
213. You can't do a Crocodile Hunter voice while hunting them.
214. Crocodile Dundee wouldn't touch the things.
215. It's wrong to send Space Marines unprepared in to eliminate the "Xenomorphs"
216. They deserve more respect than that.
217. CRIKEY! ITS GOT ME LEG!
218. Oh Har Har guys, who put the plushie of one in my office....
219. OH MY GOD ITS REAL! AHHHHHH!
220. *system feed dies*
221. Okay, cybernetic leg replacement completed.....It is wrong to recruit thousands of Drop bears to assault heavily fortified military compounds.
222. ...Especially for re-enacting the 'Battle of Endor.'
223. Drop Bears are not a perfect present for a Elven Princess.

[PBTHHHHT]

[Backgammon]

[SL James]

[James McMurray]

[stevebugge]

224. Michael Jackson IS a Horror

[BookWyrm]

[John Campbell]

[Smiley]

225. "Nuke the site from orbit. Only way to be sure." is NOT an acceptable response to encounters with corp guards.
226. No, not for encounters with insect spirits, either.
227. NO! You don't even have the means! ...do you?
228. "Ok, we hire an elite team of mercenaries..." is also not acceptable. You ARE the elite team of mercenaries.
229. Nobody is likely to be eaten by a Grue. I don't care WHERE you are.
230. Yes, I'm sure.
231. While booby-trapping new team members' vehicles isn't expressly forbidden, it is considered rude.
232. Even though it's come in handy.
233. Shouts of "KHAAAAAAAAAN!" are limited to one per character, per run.
234. Nobody cares if you really do know Kung Fu.
235. "RUN, NIGGAS!" is NOT the same as, "RETREAT!"
236. Ok, for the last time. After you kill ANY female, there IS NO "5 MINUTE RULE."
237. No matter how hot she used to be.
238. Yes, it still counts if she's not quite dead. You perverts.
(Good to be back, guys.)

[Willowhugger]

279. It is acceptable to have codenames for your character. These however must not be embarrassing like "Pokemaster291" or "DarthGay22"
280. Stop trying to pass off your Steel Lynx as a Tachikoma.
281. ...And stop using that squeaky voice!
282. The New Revolution were not founded by people trying to drive out illegal immigrants.
283. The California Free State does not have "Escape from LA" as a Guidebook.
284. "Escape from New York" technically IS accurate but that's beside the point.
285. Quebec is not to be destroyed out of hand.
286. French Canadians will NOT roll over if you attack it with a butterknife.
287. Aztlan is not capable of being defeated by small pox and sexually transmitted diseases you bring to the country.
288. You cannot distract the Troll guard with three billy goats.
289. Tibet did not become a free nation because of Richard Gere.
290. It is wrong to sell Dragon and Witch porn on the internet.
291. Especially of the President and the VP.
292. Dealing with Sioux ambassadors is not to be done by offering them 24 credits and some shiny beads for their territory.
293. Technomancers should not be called "Virtual Adepts" or "Sons of Ether."
294. No, you can't have armor shaped like a Batsuit.
295. It's a tad CONSPICIOUS for a Shadowrunner.
296. ....it doesn't MATTER if you intend to leave no survivors.
297. It should be noted that not EVERY occasion requires you to dress like a member of KISS.
298. All music in the future is not 80s metal.
299. Or nineties techno.
300. Blowing up Parliament on Guy Fawkes Day is not a British tradition.
301. "Remember, Remember the Fifth of November." is not your catchphrase.
302. It is forbidden to use AOL instant messanger to talk with Mr. Johnson.
303. When I...I mean IF I betray you. The proper response is not to send naked pictures of me across the net.
304. Shadowrun is not to be termed "Grand Theft Auto: 2070."
305. I don't care if you can do it in Grand Theft Auto, you can't steal a jet for your next mission.

[Nasrudith]

306. It is not acceptable to have a fake sin for Elvix.
307. Do not bring explosive ammunition on a stealth mission.
308. If your using a phys mask wear clothes underneath.
309. Do NOT have shadowrunner listed as an offical job for your fake sin.

[Smiley]

310. Yes, you can have a drone that looks and acts like Gir...
311. ...after you think long and hard about what that really means.
312. "Lootnannies" are acceptable, but only if (a) you're not in the middle of a firefight, an escape, or a meet with Mr. Johnson, and (b) you don't have to make more than 2 trips.

[hyzmarca]

[BookWyrm]

[warrior_allanon]

[Trax]

312 rules and not a single one about Ally Spirits, Swordfish Mustardballs, or Spaghetti monsters? Tsk

[Trax]