Fiction, attempted Options

[Dog]

Since I'm always so quick to jump in and critique the writing of others, I figured it's only fair to post something of my own.

This is an excerpt from a short story. Kind of a noir sort of thing, I guess. The narrator is the protagonist, a guy named Edgar. Enjoy if you can. Critique if you must. But don't hurt my feelings. I'm an artist. I'm sensitive. (Edited for grammar and punctuation.)

When I finally caught up to Stripes in Union Station, it was nearing time for my rendezvous with the I.P. There wasn’t much time for tact.
I found Stripes with his pants down. Literally. Dr. Joe saw him ducking into the men’s room. When I cranked open the pay-toilet door, he was in the middle of his business.
“Hi, Stripes.”
Stripes gawked. He must’ve thought he wasn’t being followed after his little stunt on Main Street. His eyes darted around, as though the graffiti carved into the walls of the stall might provide some useful advice. Over my left shoulder, he could see Dr. Joe and his ugly little revolver.
Leroy Brown was outside, politely informing the gentlemen that they could hold it for a minute longer.
I waited a few seconds for Stripes to realize he was out of options. I didn’t want him to panic, or he’d give Dr. Joe an excuse to hurt him. And the skinny Doctor wanted to hurt him bad. When I saw his shoulders sag, I gestured for the man to get up. The automatic flusher kicked in, making Stripes jump.
“I don’t have time, Stripes. I want to know what happened to Gina.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? We lost half a million in that deal, and you’re worried about the fucking hooker?!”
I felt Dr. Joe tense up behind me, he was expecting me to react poorly, but I managed to stay cool. “I’m worried about your boss and how far he’s going to go to…”
I was doing it again.
This piece of shit wasn’t worth an explanation. I palmed his forehead and rapped the back of his noggin against painted brick. Stripes was bigger than me, but with Dr. Joe there, he had to let it happen. “What happened to her?”
“Tell Daniel Bruce that his kid is on a vacation, and she’ll come back when he signs over his chunk of land.” Said Stripes, mustering what was left of his bravado. He probably figured he had nothing left to lose.
She’s alive!
He saw me hesitate. Misinterpreted it. It encouraged him a little, and he started to giggle with that annoying little choking noise.
I just went for it, grabbed him by the collar, hissed a name. “Bateman.”
His eyes narrowed just a little in confusion just a little; a look that said how do you know...?
He realized a moment later that I didn’t, and that he just gave it away.
I kicked his legs out from under him and let him settle to the filthy bathroom floor. I made for the door. The last time I saw Stripes, he was looking up at Dr. Joe with genuine, unmasked fear. Dr. Joe had put down the revolver and had his little folding knife out. When the door closed on them, the doctor was moving closer, smiling serenely. Dr. Joe had waited a long time to settle the score. I slid a maintenance sign over from a nearby token dispenser, to give them some privacy.
I stormed past Leroy Brown towards the exit. He caught up after a second. “What’s happening, Ed?” It was good to have him with me. The crowd parted for him where they wouldn’t have for me.
“I was right.” I still had time to get to I.P. turf and arrange for some help. “Bateman’s got Gina. She’s still alive. Stripes said that Bruce’s kid is….” I skidded to a stop.
Bruce’s kid.
“Ed,” Leroy Brown stared at me with confusion as I stared, thinking.
“He said ‘Bruce’s kid.’”
“So fucking what? Don't be obtuse.”
“So, I’ll bet they don’t know about me and Gina!”
We sprinted for the door. A few seconds later, we were in Leroy’s Cougar, laying down rubber and heading north through the Exchange. “Forget the I.P.” I told Leroy. “Get out to Bruce’s place. Stripes thought I was looking for Gina because of Bruce. So let’s send the message that Daniel Bruce and I aren’t working together anymore.
"Let’s make it real clear.”
Leroy Brown grinned and pressed the gas.

[emo samurai]

Moar plot! MOARRR!!!

[Dog]

meaning...?

[Angelone]

Nice beginning, would like a middle and an end as well. :P

[Dog]

Like I said, it's an excerpt. Can't put out the whole thing yet. I hear you though, as a stand alone, it doesn't mean much. Call it a teaser.

[knasser]