A while ago I posted on bullshido.net asking how a gamer may defy his destiny and fate and manage to get laid in spite of intense female scorn. There was one excellent response. Perhaps the only coherent response to the subject, really.

http://www.bullshido.net/forums/showthread.php?t=61328

Classic!

Out of any group of gamers, exactly floor of one half will have gotten laid. This half will then desperately attempt to avoid being assembled into a group, for by the above law, then only half of them will have gotten laid.

~J

I had sex one time.

It was okay.

I had sex just last night and it was AWESOME!!!!

My wife and I run a 1 on 1 game. I know I have sex, so by Kage's rule, she clearly hasn't. I'll have to go rub it in her face tonight.

The Quest continues.......

No, I have to be careful about what I put in her face. She bites. Seems to be a regular problem with gamer girls. Maybe that's why it coincides so nicely with the bondage scene.

That is pure freakin' genius.

I don't know what the ratio of those getting laid to those not getting laid in my gaming circle is, but it's nowhere near half. Maybe 1/6. Which is almost exciting, because it makes you think you can solve your problems by rolling a d6, but that's just going to make things worse. "I got a 6! I'm so desperately lonely!"

And it's because we honestly are freaks that women shouldn't care about. Take some examples from my outing the other night. To put these in context, it was of course Halloween, and I went as the scariest thing any nerd can imagine. A woman.

First Encounter

Me: "Excu-"
Horrible Square Bitch: "I'm not into girls"
Me: "Well, then it's a good thing I chose a tight dress that accentuates my junk."
HSB: "I'm not into guys that dress like girls, either."

Second Encounter

Me: "Hey, baby. Ever done it with a guy in a dress?"
Her: "No." walks away

Third Encounter

Me: "Hey, baby. Ever done it with a guy in a dress?"
Her: "Yep." walks away

Fourth Encounter

Me: "Let me buy you a drink."
Sexy Satan: "Sure. You're really cute."
Me: "Only when I bother to shave my legs."
SS: feeling my thighs "Where do you live?"
Me: "a few blocks from here in the Short North"
SS: being totally obvious "So close enough that we can walk there with you in those heels?"
Me: "Totally. I've got an Agility of 6."
SS: "Jesus Christ, I can't believe you fucked this up." goes home with a frat boy dressed as a sailor

CircuitBoyBlue, those last two girls were awesome. Quick comebacks like that is exactly what you want in a mate. Those seemed like keepers.

The original post lost me at step 4. How that came before conversation...


Frankly, I think Gamers in general are fairly unhappy people. We tend to have low incomes, far from great health (regardless of girth), and low self esteem. That's just not fun to another person, unless you want to date someone with the same issues.

I hate to say it, but we need to do exactly what most of our parents told us to do. Clean up, work out, eat healthy, get a job, and keep our chins up. Then our mood and bodies and bank account will be on an even keel with the rest of the populace.

The next step is to work on what we offer. People are looking for moral support and fun. We need to learn to love, which is its own complex topic. And we need to emerge from our basements and learn how to enjoy a hike in the woods, a trip to the museum, a nice dinner (not necessarily expensive, but it has to be a cool place), and so on. And like a good GM, we need to play to their needs and not to our own.

I'll offer an alternative version of the original post:

A Gamer's Guide to Finding Love

1. Don't start the adventure with a mediocre character
Just like you wouldn't expect great results in a dungeon with a half-baked character concept, you can't expect to succeed in the dating world without reviewing what you bring to the real life table. Take a hard look at your real life character sheet, and without getting too down about it, check out what needs work.

2. Dump stat?
Let's be honest. We all have a dump stat. What is it, and how can you make up for it? Some things are easier than others to cure, and in real life, the stats are interrelated. Low Con? Surprisingly, lots of people find healthy lifestyles more attractive than an actual superb body. Start riding a bike or taking walks and you might find people think you got a magical item that raises your Con and your Charisma! Similarly, a sense of humor can contribute to Charisma, but can totally defray any examination of your Strength, Con, or Will. It's all about honest self-evaluation and making a few obvious commitments.

3. RP Concept - Would People Want to Play at Your Table?
You know when you sit down at a gaming table, and some person sits down with this awesome character concept? Some super cool combination of something bad-ass and yet funny, with a clear downside but lots of upside and you think "Wow, that's a cool character!"? Just as with a paper character, your real life character is all about what you project, which is based on what you are. Maybe you think life is nothing but a series of down endings. Fair enough, but if that's what you choose to communicate, people won't be too excited to hang at your table. It isn't about being fake; in fact, real is the way to go. But it is about how to show who you are and put your best qualities forward. Think of it as good role-playing.

4. Play at Your Level
If your first level wizard takes on the castle, they will get crushed. Now that you've taken an honest inventory of your character, enhanced your stats a bit, and applied some polish to your RP, it is time to take a few baby steps. It isn't just about avoiding bars... it's about taking it real slow. Get a bit of XP, learn some skills, and keep that chin up.

Play to your strengths. For example, maybe you read a lot of fantasy. Cool. Lots of gamers do, but other people do as well. Take a stroll (leave that car at home... remember step 2!) to the closest bookstore and hang out in the Fantasy aisles. First, get in the right frame of mind. You aren't going to get sex. You aren't going to find love. You aren't going to discover the meaning of life (and, anyway, it is probably sex and love). When you see someone remotely interesting, you want to just chat about something. Asking them about themselves is good. A good one is "Hey, I'm looking for some new things to read. Any ideas?" That's a safe one. Gamers like to score, so here is the plan: all you need to do is get a few exchanges, and you get the XP. If all they say is "I'm not sure", hit them with another safe line, like "I've been getting into this series by [author x], and it's cool. I'm hoping to find more books like that." If they show no interest (hey, it's a dangerous world), no worries. Fish don't bite on the first cast. All you want to do is repeat until you don't find yourself stammering, sweating, and wishing you were dead. Once you feel fairly decent at having a short conversation with someone remotely interesting, you have advanced to the next level.

One important tip. While it is great to choose a place you are comfortable in, don't geek the other person out. If you read all the books in the fantasy section, that is NO reason to mention it. Nor do you want to recount the plot of a book. Here's a nice rule. Like a first level wizard, consider yourself to only have so many spells. Keep everything you say to no more than four sentences, then end with something they can respond to. Keep it simple, let them take it and run if they want to.

5. Wax On Wax Off? When Does the Real Stuff Start?
More training is a great thing. Just because we leveled doesn't mean we want to see if that hot person has the Rend attack of a troll. It hurts.

What we can do is try a bit more sparring. Find a similar friendly location where you have some core interests. Again, don't geek out, and again, pick anyone remotely attractive - you aren't playing for keeps. However, this time you can push the conversation a bit. Keeping it cool, try to keep the conversation going a bit. Things like "Are there other places you would recommend, or is this the best place?" and "What other types of books do you read?" are good softballs to lob their way.

The goal here is simply to talk to them for a few minutes, and most importantly, that you and they seem comfortable and casual about the conversation. That's when you level, because it is exactly where the next step kicks in.


6. The First Dungeon Crawl
Now that you have some XP and levels under your belt, and most importantly, some confidence, it is a good time to go on your first real adventure. As with T1, you want to start in the village before you go to the Temple of Elemental Evil.

Thus, you want to again pick a favorable location, perhaps one you've been using. You want to repeat the same process, but this time, you keep watch for signs that there is interest. Signs include genuine smiles, the person looking you in the eyes, the person looking comfortable, and the person being responsive and showing a desire to be talking to you. Incidentally, it is always a good time to look at your real life character sheet - are you giving off those signs? If so, it's just about finding a match. No easy dungeon crawl, but with a bit of luck it pays of.

So, once you are having a bit of a conversation and you are sensing some interest, you break out your next move. You ask for a follow-up. Like a rogue deactivating a trap, you don't want any sudden moves or big flashy stuff. Just a simple and honest invitation extended once some interest has been shown. Something like "Hey, I'm enjoying this. Want to keep talking over at the coffee shop?" or "Listen, I've got to run, but I would like to talk to you more. Can we trade numbers?"

The goal is not to succeed on the first try. As in a good dungeon, you will probably have to rest and then try again before beating the level. So it is with people. Saying yes to some stranger is not in everyone's mind, so don't take it personally. Keep focus on this not being the love of your life, being just a chance to meet someone. With a little luck, more will pan out, but one dungeon level at a time.

7. Claiming the Castle
Once you've landed some extended conversation and/or gotten together, it's time to make it a bit more lengthy. You will want to find some common interests (again, keep it brief on what you like!), exchange some numbers, and plan on getting together. Unless you have an awesome pad and it isn't littered with gamer crap, taking her to your place is not a good idea. You can do lots to keep it cheap, however. You could check out events taking place in your area, like authors speaking (if you were going the book route), good hikes in the area, festivals, new restaurants, cool places they have wanted to go but haven't, etc. The free magazines outside restaurants in most metro areas are great, but asking friends (especially those who date successfully) is a great source as well.

On dates, keep it cool. Remember to be the GM, not just the player. Know how to spot a GM amongst a bunch of players? The players will take turns talking about their character. The GM either listens and enjoys the telling or tells stories about other people and how they had a good time. While you do want to share things about yourself, make sure you aren't hogging the conversation.

8. The Truth is Out There
If they aren't a gamer, at some point you need to let them know. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but it is a big part of your life. Therefore, at some point you need to let them know. The best way to talk about it is to explain its communal side. "Hey, I'm getting together with a bunch of friends this weekend, and I realize I haven't told you about my hobby." Or, "This is going to sound silly, but a bunch of friends and I are getting together this weekend to play games." Then talk a bit (just a bit, in the name of love!) about what you do. Something like "We play role-playing games. You know, like Dungeons and Dragons. It sounds so geeky, but I've always enjoyed the creativity of it. Plus, it's like poker night for me." Then let them ask questions and just answer with brief sentences. If you go off on tangents, you will scare them...

9. A Trap? Oh, no!
Look, it ain't all roses. There are lots of pitfalls. The GM that wrote the real world has a wicked sense of humor, plenty of sarcasm, and a firm belief that you need to fail (apparently over and over) before you can succeed. Thus, just like you play with your favorite PC always knowing there's a chance they will bite it, you should date knowing that life can be tough.

Maybe you find out you don't like them.

Maybe they find out they don't like you.

Then there are a bunch of variations on that. Along the adventurous path of dating are tons of ways to get down in the dumps. Don't. Because, if you persevere, just as with your favorite PC, you will find treasure. Don't tell your PC, but real life treasure is much better. It is the stuff of legends. I'm talking love, happiness, the veritable grail. It is just indescribably awesome when you find this treasure. And because of that, it's an absolute must to go through this process, live life to its fullest, and do all you can to find love.

Means he's a cunning linguist

not many gamers get laid, but many get screwed

Alternatively, use a ten-foot pole.

~J

There is such thing as a trap, but as Bridget teaches us, sometimes it doesn't matter.

~J

You need to straighten out your priorities, sucker.

Id like to be able to afford my gaming habit in the future.

Prioritizing is important, but we should leave his sexual preference out of it.

It's not his sexual preference, it's the sexual preference of his priorities.

~J

I guess I'm just lucky in that most girls find my nerdiness cute/attractive. It certainly hasn't scared any off and in one case actually helped me get laid (thank god for learning about tarot from an RPG)

Well, once the female is engaged in sexual activity I don't see what the problem is. If nothing else you can deploy a dildo and just by taking the time to give the female multiple orgasms avoid such a situation. I don't know if you technically have to ejaculate inside the female's reproductive tract or not to technically have had sex with her.

The biggest problem is how the female never wants to choose you even if you would seem to be the rational choice.

yet another oxymoron.

gamers getting laid. :O

Hocus was kidding. He's married himself, although I won't comment as to the health or activeness of his sex life.

Ok, when she gets you pregnant, you're roleplaying too much.

~J

The general rule of thumb is to consider the female's orgasm the way of incapacitating her while you do your part. In other words, play, tease, do whatever you need to do to get her right to the edge, then pounce and be selfish for a bit. If she doesn't finish before you, she'll still be distracted enough she won't mind. I've found if you're paying so much attention to her AND trying to take care of yourself, it doesn't work so well.

That or just take turns. It's not your fault she takes forty five minutes.

Strangely enough, I got it from my wife. I'm glad it helped. I think that was the point I realized that foreplay is really for me almost more than it's for her.

Well, I had a big long reply here that got eaten by an accidental page refresh. Oh well.

I'd also suggest remembering that sexual activity has associated skills; it can be actively practiced and improved. I personally consider myself lucky to have become sexually active before I became aware of a lot of the societal expectations and hangups about such things—I may be misattributing it, of course, due to a fairly small sample size, but past partners I've been around who'd had their first experiences after a few years of hearing sex talked up and really getting to absorb the worship/demonize dichotomy tended to be very nonadventurous and lack not merely the desire to improve their sexual skills, but the awareness that there were skills to be improved.

~J

I have a similar experience on the other side of the spectrum. I believe in abstinence until marriage (I'm just not very good on the follow through). So my sexual experience all was with one person I had a serious emotional investment in, and the majority of it consisted of getting as close to sex in as many innovative ways as possible, without actually doing it. So no real expectations since we didn't actually expect sex, and the emotional closeness meant we didn't have to impress each other, which gave us space to make mistakes and figure things out. I have to imagine that relations with someone you don't really know and you're trying to impress must be very difficult because you'd be so self-conscious, especially if you yourself are a novice. At that point I'd probably have to advertise myself as being unskilled, since some women prefer that, then let them take the lead.

Hmm... I'm probably one of the only people on Dumpshock who has only had sex with his spouse and no one else.

Heh. I tend to joke that my SR gaming group shouldn't actually exist - out of six people, three are dating, one is married, one is hooking up with a new hot chick every couple of weeks, and the last one...well, okay, I think he's gotten laid, but he's about twice as big as me, so I don't ask these questions. And I'm one of those mythical gamer girls (we do exist! And like dating gamer boys, in my experience)