So I've been in a sort of writing doldrums for the last year. One of my new years resolutions was to try and climb back out of that. So when a story started forming in my head involving two of my own favorite shadowrun characters, I decided to try and capture it, and in order to try and keep myself involved, and try to become a better writer and create a better work, I decided to post it here. So far I only have the introduction, which was written in it's entirety this morning. I appreciate any constructive criticism, and present this as a work in progress. If I feel your critique has a point, I will change things in light of it. If you like the story and want to read more of it, encouragement is also appreciated. It's hard to get work done as a beginning author with a silent audience.

So, without further ado:



The wind screamed by her ears. The sound was overwhelming, and irritating, so she turned it off. It was replaced by an odd, ominous silence that lent a sense of motionlessness to her freefall. Her eyes, for lack of a more useful thing to do, locked on her weapon, the Ares Alpha assault rifle that she had personally modified, as it spun through the air just out of her reach. Time seemed to stretch out, until the cycle of her rifle's spin seemed like the secondhand of a clock, and now, when it seemed nothing she could do would affect her situation, she suddenly felt she had all the time in the world.

And to think, just a second ago things had been moving so fast.



(Damn that seems so much shorter in text than it did on the page, though I hope it's a decent hook.)

That is pretty good. My first thought was that she was falling to her death. If I already know the ending then why keep reading? (I'm just being honest)

Then when you described the rifle becoming like the had of a clock I really thought it was a great visual.

You can't stop there though you at least have to get a bit farther in please. It seems like the story starts out with a paragraph followed by a flashback? IMO if you changed things up and just did a flashback to the last few minutes only to let he land and live would be a good change-up from what I'm expecting.

Good luck.

yeah, I had a feeling that what I had was maybe inadequate to get a feel for what I'm trying to put together. I'll try and get the rest of it down.

Any suggestions to give readers a bit of hope? I don't want to lose my audience to pessimism.

It is very wordy, all that is written there could be done in better detail in half the space. Less adjectives, more event.

Screaming wind tore at her ears but was banished with a single thought, leaving her in the perfect silence of a of a silent movie.

Just my take on the first tiny bit

Falrien is right. I did think about that as well but I don't mind wordiness that much. But from my moderate schooling in writing the best way to write is so that it is the most condensed without losing the meaning. This is especially true when your writing adventure books because people expect things to develop quickly and the longer they read the less interested they become. I've actually experienced this a lot recently as a reader. Some of the Warhammer 40k books I've read were so bad I began to skip pages to get to something interesting. Literally a page would have nothing I'd feel is worth reading.

As far as hope, you need to convey that she somehow has hope that she will live. Perhaps you could leave it uncertain instead of not mentioning how far she's falling. Also if she able to cut out the sound of the air it makes me think that she is in VR in the matrix. Perhaps with Hot Sim. If in the matrix there are many things, programs and entities that could give her a better chance of living. Remember you don't need much hope at all. The human and adventurous spirit latches onto even the smallest slivers of hope and use it to sustain them. The same applies when reading a story.

I hope all that doesn't sound too hokey!

I appreciate the advice, but the center for my whole style of writing is trying to convey sensory experiences. However, I will look at condensing it somewhat.

I have to disagree with that "advice". You want a technical summary or a story? Stories have lots of words and are NOT to the point. You can write succintly when drafting a requirement doc for a client.

Ok, this was maybe a little rushed but I wanted to get a version up here before the end of the night. This version will see revisions.
rest of the chapter:

It was a black op. That meant no support, no backup, no extraction, and denial of any knowledge of the op, or any responsibility for the team, if they got caught. It was the most dangerous kind of mission because all the fail safes were taken away. It would be the team's first black op, after nearly a year of working together. She'd thought she was ready, and had buried her doubts under a mountain of self-assurances. Eight months of successful ops and responses in and around LA, most of them recorded and televised, had convinced her that her team was all but invincible. It was perhaps the worst mindset she could have had.

Rabbit was nervous, but then Rabbit was always nervous. The technomancer was twenty three years old and still looked like a teenaged kid. Apparently when he first emerged, he spent so much time on the matrix he began to suffer from malnutrition, and it stunted his growth. He kept checking his gun, his ammunition, going through a mental list, and then repeating it in case he'd misplaced something. She tried to reassure him, like she always did, but his mood seemed particularly bleak this time.

An executive had been kidnapped, and a ransom was being demanded. They'd been tracked down to an abandoned building in the Redmond Barrens in Seattle, where they were holed up on the eighth floor. The place was full of squatters, and apparently it was all the kidnappers could do to keep them off of their floor. The building was technically MCT property, so the executive had to be retrieved with more discretion than would be expected from the shadowrunners that would usually be hired for this kind of job.

They'd approached in armored street clothes, cautiously maneuvering to the side of the building and, with grapple guns, ascending to the tenth floor. There, Tommy set a charge against the wall, and as they all held themselves back he opened a hole with the push of a button. The orc threw in a flash bang, and they moved in quickly, covering the room. And that's when the problem became obvious: there was no one here.

They secured the floor, unsure how to proceed. She turned to Frank, their commander, and asked "So what now." He'd been about to reply when she heard the sound of metal scraping and looked up in time to see the barrels of several guns slide through holes in the ceiling that hadn't been there moments ago. Frank was dropped immediately, probably dead. She saw Tommy try to return fire, to no effect. She was running to the staircase, trying to get on level ground with their assailants, when her cat-styled cyberears picked up something hitting the floor behind her. She glanced back to see a grenade. And that's when she jumped out the window.
The blast from the grenade caught her back as she dove, pushing her further into the air and causing her to lose her grip on her rifle.

And so here she was, staring at the damn thing as it spun in the air. She relaxed her neck, and looked down, seeing the street beneath her. She let out a breath, and figured she should at least try to keep from being killed by the impact.

Her cybernetic balance tail swept up close to her spine., and the balance sensors in her ear guided her movements, as she was able to change her orientation just a little, just enough so that she would land feet first. She spread her arms, taking the miniscule drag it would give her, and bent her knees to accept the impact. No sooner was she ready than it came at her, all at once, as if her toes and her thighs and her knees and her ass impacted with the ground at the same instant, and she felt and heard bones snapping. She pulled a breath, and blacked out from the pain.

Her name was Catrina, though on P2.0 and to her friends she was called Ninelives. This was the second time she had narrowly avoided death.

I like this, its a good way to set the scene.
Is it the first chapter?

And about my "Advice" I am not reccomending a technical manual, I am merely reccomending against verbosity. Word count determines pace.
It is probably inadvertent, but the way you have lots of detail as she falls makes it seem like time is slower from her POV.


It was a black op. No support, no backup, no extraction, and they were truly deniable assets. If they got caught, they would burn. It was their first black op, after nearly a year of working together. She had been confident about the job ever since they had met the cocky Johnson and her mountain-weight of self-assurance had lasted even until they arrived at the job site. Now a few nervdes soured her guts. After Eight months of successful jobs in and around LA, most of which had avoided the scream sheets, she was convinced that her team was all but invincible. It was perhaps the worst mindset she could have had.


You can get more information over in less words and it keeps the intensity and pace. Where you make savings on words, you can invest in small drops of plot now to save on exposition later.

When she blacks out it would be a great opportunity to have an Iron Man esque "36 Hours earlier" flashback to the setting up of the job etc.

I actually like the flow in Pyrite's post.

Falrien, your revision is harsh and seems to take away the pace. It makes the pace more. . . Choppy to me.

Keep it up Pyrite.

It depends on the pace you want and the placement in the greater text.

The few lines I have used is only the most brief of introductions, nothing happens there, it just esablishes the initial scene

yeah, i'm gonna have to agree... less *can* be good, but is not necessarily good right off the bat. imo, it reads well just the way it is.