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Hi all.

This is the first draft of the first part of a character history I'm working on.

It's written in a different style than what I usually use for histories so I'm interested in some feedback to see if it works or not. It has a lot of conversation with events unfolding through dialogue and internal monologues rather than the large chunks of expositive text I normally use.

Since most people I know aren't interested in reading stories about Orks with swords, I figured Dumpshock would be a good place to get some feedback smile.gif

I've read it over a few times myself. I can't tell if it's cliche and cheesy or cool so let me know your thoughts.

[ Spoiler ]
The story is an interesting play on a standard archetype. I liked the shift away from expositive text, especially in the context of a personal history, the soliloquy works better. There are a few unanswered questions, but that is to be expected the story isn't over yet and there needs to be room for growth. All in all, it's a good start.

Things to consider:
-most of the descriptive text deals with sight and sound, try spicing it up with other senses as well. How does the hilt feel, or how would it feel as it was picked back up? Was the mistress wearing a perfume, what did the room smell like, does the taste of blood linger in the air?

-have you tried reading the story aloud and listening to the measure and rhythm of each section? By changing the sentence structure in different sections you can help to convey a shift in mood or tension.
Thanks for the comments. I appreciate your input. Until you mentioned it, I didn't even realize that I failed to mention the senses of scent, taste and touch.

When I go back to edit, I'll certainly keep your suggestions in mind.

Hope I could help!
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