Still failing repeatedly to get anything accepted and published, so I thought I might as well post another thing here. It's a short piece in the Shadowrun setting. A triptych, really.

The direct link is here and my full site is here as usual.

Comments and constructive criticism are very welcome. Please keep in mind that it's about an hour and a half's work and isn't meant to be an epic novel but I really hope people like it.

-K.

off the top of my head, spelling mistake on page 2, close to the bottom, replace 'taught' with --taut--.

very nice. I like how you discribed the skillwires in praticular. Also amusing how the runners were standing around arguing about whether or not they were going to rob the joint or be professionals and then looted her cyber. You can tell those guys were the PC's

also, you've got bear instead of beard (i think)

and just before the picture of the eye, you got alder instead of adler

anyways, now i'm done nitpicking your spelling, i like it. it's fairly good. i do tend to agree that skillwires give you the knowledge, not just puppet you around, but hey, maybe SK decided to do a little field testing for some new 'ware. possibly a P-fix (probably not BTL though) integrated into skillwires, as an attempt to allow expert chipjack effects at reduced cost.

Well, the story was okay, it gives the feel of how brutal some aspects of life is in 2070 in terms of being gunned down and then having pieces of you cut out by those evil runners. I enjoyed how you tried to play up of how the characters have family and career/life promises. Still, I need to read it closely again to really nitpick, I mainly skimmed it over.

Well done, sir. I enjoyed the piece.

*thumbs up*

I really liked it. Fun to read and I like your interpretation of the tech.

Also, I found another mispelling: deselecting p1

Thanks to all of you. I really appreciate the comments.

It started off as me just descriptive writing and then grew into a mini-story. I thought it would be nice to see things from the other side. Particularly the sort of PCs that pick through their fallen opponents belongings and try to steal their cyberware.

I've written a longer and more serious story which I submitted to the Shadowrun website. Am hoping to see it up there sometime.

Cheers,

-K.

Fun snapshot! Poor, poor NPC. Nasty bit at the end, too.

Barring exceptional stylistic need, its really poor form to put a proper name right after itself.

"Lara Adler' Lara Adler said...


is really really ugly. She said works fine here, we know who is talking.

Other than that, not too bad.

Me likey.

Nice flavour and well written (IMHO).

I keep meaning to post here goes. Loved it, more please! Seriously captured the feel of our hyper modern dystopia. That's good cyber punk

Like most, really liked the skill wire description. It was ver easy to visualize the way you wrote it.I liekd the cyber eyes too and the over all day-in-the-life-of for a corper. had that nice SR nastyness just below the surface. interesting seeing the progression of sweet little Lara.

Also, random, but I thought the little eye pic between sections was a nice touch.

I look forward to new stuff with bated breath.

Hey Knasser, sorry I didn't post sooner, but I just read your story today.

Anyway, the story itself is really good, but there are some areas where you could really improve on the writing in my opinion.

First, you need to be careful with your grammar. At the bottom of page three for instance, you have ""... viewing the scene with through the linked gunsight She saw four figures there, arguing." Obviously, you should be dropping "with" and lose the capital S on She. There were other parts where the sentences just seemed to run on, or where a comma could have been helpful. Yes this is nitpicking.

Additionally, add more description and take away the adverbs.

For example:

"Thank you," replied the secretary program pleasantly, "please take a seat and the surgeon will be with you in a few minutes."

could be changed to:

Thank you," replied the blonde image as a soft smile crept across her face, "the surgeon will be with you in a few minutes."

Both say the same thing, but the second gives a better description of the scene. Trust your writing to let the reader know that the program is being pleasant without saying it explicitly. In other words, show us, don't tell us.

Another example:

"Silently, she ran down the corridor, a H&K SMG in her left hand."

could be changed to:

She crept down the corridor, moving on the balls of her feet, the powerful submachine gun the company issued her poised to eliminate her prey.

This again tells us she's moving silently and also describes the gun a little better for those who don't know what an H&K SMG is.

By the way, my descriptions are not meant to be the best anyone could come up with, but are just quick examples that can surely be improved upon.

Finally, in adding to the show us don't tell us theme. I really do not have much of an idea as to what Lara looks like other than she had blue eyes which she changed to yellow with her cybereyes. It doesn't take long to throw in a quick description, but things like hair color, height, even skin tone, etc., can go a long way.

All of this being said, keep in mind that the story itself is still great. I do not mean to suggest otherwise since I did enjoy the story. I'm just trying to help you improve on the writing in order to help you get published is all.

I'd say besides what others have said about grammar, I enjoyed your story very much. Very interesting way of having the spirit appear and also the description of the skillwires. All in all, I'd give you a thumbs up. Real good Knasser.