The pipes sound nothing like a dead goat

No one mocks my pipes!

Except every sane, non-deaf person alive.
And you're right. The bagpipes don't sound like a dead goat, but a DYING one (Nah, just kidding with ya; kilts rock).

LOL, reminds me of a night quite a few years back when a couple of friends and I stopped into a little bar in Turtlepoint PA. We had been drinking a bit and decided have a few shots of Scotch near the end of the evening. One of the locals noticed and started a conversation on Scotland that turned to the bagpipes.

It is a well known fact that just drinking scotch transforms anyone into honorary scotsman (at least for duration of the drunk) Said yokel also compared the pipes to the sound of a dying goat and I , honorary Scot and proud son of the highlands that I was retorted with a remark that the gent took badly.
something like "Actually, the bagpipes remind me of the music your mother makes when she's under me kilt! she does resemble a goat,though."

This was also the night that I discovered that although one can feel like a True Scotsman,sound like a True Scotsman and act like a True Scotsman under the effect of Hennessy, it does not in anyway grant you the ability to fight like a True Scotsman.

shadowrunish part of the post:
An accountant for Aztechnology dies and goes to heaven.

Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.

The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, "Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?"

"Well," says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of Ancients . So I yelled "Hey Drekheads, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their bikes over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?"

The accountant replies, "About five minutes ago."

Somehow, I find it interesting (though I shouldn't) that almost all the jokes in this thread are either unrelated to SR, or are open retreads of modern jokes...

i guess humor is relative to the audience. its tough to know what a crowd of barrens rats or corporate wage slaves in a fictional dystopian future would find funny.

"why did the chicken cross the road?"
"chickens can't cross the road, they're made from soy!"

At a brothel:

Patron Privacy ensured by staff Hacker
Patron Security ensured by staff Mage
Patron Behavior ensured by staff Troll.

Bugfoxmaster

Somehow, I find it interesting (though I shouldn't) that almost all the jokes in this thread are either unrelated to SR, or are open retreads of modern jokes...

*******************************


Well Bugfoxmaster, please remember that dying is easy, comedy is hard.

In a lot of cases many jokes we know today are updated versions of ones from long ago. Humor is always in a state of context evolution. Imagine you or I listening in on jokes from the 40's. In many cases we would recognise the basic humor but miss the point of the jokes unless we were historians who know the era very well.

Here's an example of Context heavy humor that only those in shadowrun might understand.



An Ancient, a Spike Wheeler and a Halloweener meet in the barrens.

The Ancient sneers...
The Spike Wheeler cracks his knuckles...
The Halloweener soils himself.

I suppose that's true.
Still, I must admit that the jokes I enjoyed the most were those that weren't (or that I didn't notice as) re-done oldies. Your's included, of course.

All my jokes are retreaded oldies

Like the one below:

A dwarf is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making Halloweener steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little dwarf starts crying.

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a dwarf crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the dwarf between sobs.

'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

Still funny if you don´t know him (anymore)^^

English -vs- Scottish armies


In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at daybreak, they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this, the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS".

Oh how many times have I made the 'two of them' joke in relation to PC's.... In war settings, it seems the PC's fit this to a tee.

How does a Meta save a humanis thug from drowning?
By taking his foot off his neck.

How does a Troll get a Fair fight against 5 Humanis Thugs?
He allows them to call 5 more of them as backup.

Best line in the new Star Trek film:

"Maybe you can't count, but there are five of us."

"Well, go get some more guys and come back, then it'll be a fair fight."

A child runs up to his parent.

"Mommy! Mommy! Are there really such things as Sasquatch?"

"Oh stop being silly dear and go comb your face."

What?
I mean... wouldn't the kid know what he...
Ah whatever. I'm gonna go comb my face now.

A Human, an Ork and an Elf walk into a bar. The Troll opens the Door.

A letter from a Stuffershack to a customer:

Dear Mrs. --------,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of Stuffer Shack, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a hexy stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,



Charles Brown
Store Manager

Isn't Stuffer Shack like a fast food place where you can get soyburgers or whatever? I always assumed that, anyways... Where in the hell do you get information on basic, in-world things like that?!

Stuffer Shack is like a corner shop isn't it? Convenience Store like, has all the crap that is sold in such a place. Perfect for when you have the munchies at 4 in the morning.

Shadowrun, 1st Edition and all related products

Shadowrun, 2nd Edition and all related products

Shadowrun, 3rd Edition and all related products

Shadowrun, 4th Edition, mostly in upcoming supplements we hope.

Stuffer Shack^TM

The way I explain it to people is like a Super Pilot truck stop with guns 'n' ammo, if it were part of the Southland Corporation and then got swallowed by Wally World.

Everything a person needs to live a mediocre existence can be bought from a Stuffer Shack^TM. Bobbleheads, candy, Splurge (Seen WALL-e? "Hamburger-in-a-cup!"), bullets, beans, disposable clothing, light body armor, mirror shades, cheap comlinks and even cheaper software, low-end firearms, prophalactics, marital aids, stuffed animals, beer, soy beer, synthahol, real alcohol, soda, energy drinks, munchies, medicines, tobacco, music, movies, music, movies, and the other million and one things you don't really need; And it's all wrapped up in a charming glossy clashing dayglo color scheme to keep people from loitering.

So it's Wal-Mart?
Where are the mistreated, underpaid, disaffeced orphans that are making this stuff?
Considering that the entire Sixth World is a third-world country...

Aztlan. Duh. *grin*

*wince*
I should have known...

You might be a Shadowrunner if:

You own a 3000 nuyen machine gun and 5000 nuyen rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared revenge against.

You consider BTLs dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that commlinks have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your safehouse.'

Your family has been killed at least once.

You wear shades even at night, in a cave.

You might be a Shadowrunner if:

your boyfriend says he wants to eat you and your first thought is "Ghoul?!"

a friend says their relationship is hanging by a thread, and you think monowire garotte.

you see a "Big Johnson" T-shirt and immediately think of a troll in an orange jacket.

you think the nuyen you dropped on those select sound filters is the best investment you ever made as your spouse rants at you from the other room.

somebody says they're being chased by a yellowjacket and all you can think of is wanting a SAM.

if you make decisions about which weapons to take based on if they show up on MAD.

if a friend asks what kind of meat you want and your first thoughts are "Penumbra, The Eye of the Needle and Infinity".

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?

....a clit round the ear,
A flap across the face
And a crack on the head!

You might be a Shadowrunner if:

-- You follow a long dead ancient religion only because of the sweet spirits you can conjure.
-- You walk around all day with your wired reflexes on wearing a full suit of body armor, armed with an AR and viewing everything in thermographic vision... just in case.
-- You regularly carry every piece of equipment you've ever owned everywhere you go.
-- You know the most powerful people in the world, but none of them particularly like you.
-- You know the most powerful people in the world and one of them is your long lost cousin's husband's sister who would do anything for you.
-- You keep a deadly animal as a pet.
-- You think Paranoid should be an Edge.
-- You have 14 commlinks daisy-chained together and chocked full of IC to protect your cyberpenis from hacking attempts.

An ork, a elf, and a Humanis goon found a lamp on the beach. They rubbed it and out came a genie.
"I will give each of you one wish" he says. The ork says, "I want you to return the ork nations
to their former glory". Bam! The genie does it. The elf says, "I am tired of all of these
humans in elven lands. I want you to build a wall around all elven lands to keep them out!"
Bam! the genie does it. The Humanis goon looks at the genie and says, "Tell me about this wall". The
genie says, "It's 500ft high, 500ft thick and surrounds all elven lands". The goon thinks this
over and says, "Fill it with water".

Method, you are one sick duck, especially on the last one. The others just bring home that Shadowrun is kinda what gamers would be like if they gave us guns and paid us to use them. Tell me you don't think some of us would "play" it like a game and have our gear with us and have all the features dialed up eternally "just in case".

Hmmm....so you would hate me if i would agree with what Method said? I play that way.^^

You don't know me that well, do you?

I was expressing humor at Method's particular sense of the absurd, especially the comlink bit. The way he chose to exemplify how many of us approach our characters was simultaneously smack on the head and exagerated enough to drive home how silly some people can be.

"You are one sick duck" is one of my favorite terms of endearment... the only one higher, and this one is almost always in response to a "Gotcha!" that I walked right into but I still have to laugh is just a single word: "Ass." With nothing else attached, no pejoritive adjectives, not expansive text, my closest friends know I'm ammused (and acknowledge the hit).

I understood that =^.^=

Well of COURSE you did, Stahl! You just play a dumb trog on Trid.

And i feel the part too, 90% of the time you start something about guns or the such <.<

I'm going to try my hand at one here, all improv'ed so maybe original, please forgive me if it falls completely flat:

A D&D PC and a SR PC accidentally end up in the same game at a convention. The GM proceeds to tell them they have entered a fortress and they encounter a human guard. The D&D character immediately launches into an attack, rolls a 20, kills the guard, and loots the corpse of all its belongings. In the next room, the GM describes that they encounter a troll guard. The D&D character again attacks, rolls a 20, max damage, kills the guard and loots the corpse.

Remembering his fellow character, the D&D player asks the GM if they got any experience points. Before the GM could answer, the SR player shakes his head and turns down any reward. Amazed and not turning down any possible level gain, the D&D player asks if the other player is having fun, having not received any loot, kills, or exp. The SR player says he is. The D&D player looks at the SR player somewhat with a mixture of puzzlement and disgust, then asks the GM to continue...

The GM describes the next room as holding a dragon. The D&D character, trying to be generous, offers the first blow to the SR character but the character declines the offer, even encouraging the D&D character to go first so they can have first pick of the dragon's hoard. Not one to quibble with such a generous offer, the D&D character launches into a brutal assault on the dragon and a epic battle ensues. Again, the D&D character makes amazing rolls, defeating the dragon just a few hit points away from death himself. The SR character then proceeds to praise the D&D character on his amazing battle, refusing any part of the treasure, even offering the D&D character an additional gift. Flabbergasted, the D&D character accepts and is promptly blown to bits by the "present" within...

The D&D player with a mixture of shock, horror, and rage etched across his face grabs his dice and storms off into the convention. The SR player turns to the GM, hands him a $20 and says, "So, see you again in an hour or two?"

It was pretty funny, since that' IS the difference in how the two games are played - though any SR player who's killing off their comrades out of pure greed isn't going to last very long in an SR game... and how'd they determine how much damage the gredane did? 11(P) damage isn't really going to scratch the D&D guy's armor...
Nah sorry - meta-analyzing the joke

Nice one ^^

Hahaha...

Sorry, kept it purposefully vague, didn't say it was a grenade (I personally would like it to be improvised explosive made of remote det, packing styrofoam, high octane fuel, a clip of tampered ammo, and stun nades...) or that the SR character's motivation for taking out the D&D character was greed. I was basically trying to let the reader come up with that stuff, form their own meaning for why the SR Player was setting up the D&D player(s).

I got the idea for the joke actually from a D&D story where a DM who had military training/experience ran a dungeon/cave full of kobolds or some really low CR monster as a bunch of insurgents in their caves to challenge a group of high level characters, so a few level 1 npcs vs level 12+ pcs ... and the kobolds/whatever won. I was reminded of that when I looked at how SR characters only have like 10 hp and what their response might be if they encountered another pc with 100+ hp and had some (undetermined?) motivation for putting them within the 0 to -9 range of hp. The D&D player of the joke stormed off before the SR character could stabilize the D&D character, right? Hehe...

The joke is also inspired by that I have for whatever bizarre reason enjoyed reading SR4's one BBB book more compared to the 3 BBB I picked up for D&D3.5 - personally, I think it is the included fiction in SR4's book, really helps me as it was being a fan of some old ratty used SR books that originally sparked the idea in my head to buy the SR4 book in the comic book store for my birthday a few years back now. Plus, getting to use all those D6 dice from my Risk/Yahtzee/Talisman/etc board games is pretty sweet too. The only thing that will finish my turning to the dark side completely will probably be if a decent SR PC game comes out to compete with my time playing NWN2...

Whatever - I was just unnecessarily analyzing the joke for no purpose. You might even say it was a joke itself.
The D&D books are cut quite dryly, aren't they... isn't it interesting that there's NEVER BEEN AN SR PC GAME (Remember, there's never been one). They should make a good one... I seem to remember the old, old, old NES game(s?) being pretty decent.
Has anyone ever managed to deal 100P damage before in less than three shots? It seems like a very interesting thing to try through min-maxing, just for the humor involved in dropping a D&D character...

Yeah, no worries, I got the joke, I just like to ramble, especially about the nuances of jokes.

Hehe, and yeah, I remember that there has never been a SR PC Game Oh gawd, at least we got that funny machinema out of it from those guys who made RvB...

Oh my, and you are really just tickling me pink here (no sarcasm). That NES game was fun in an old game kinda way and had me thinking of Johnny Mnemonic when I played in on a NES emulator which I originally DL'ed to replay this sailing game I played once. I only made it as far as meeting a fox spirit thing in the docks and then getting totally lost, having that damn clock counting down to my inevitable death ... I think I hired a dwarf after that at a club/bar and then got killed poking around a corp's building trying to figure out what to do next.

Hmm, 100P damage? A big bomb or a series of daisy chained bombs maybe? I'm not coming up with much else ... hehe, if a D&D PC dropped out of nowhere into the middle of Seatle, would they nuke Seatle like it was a bug spirit?

Oh man, all this rambling, I gotta come up with another joke:

Q. What do you call a new player to Shadowrun?
A. Pink Mohawk.

Again, apologies if that completely falls flat. *gets flop sweat*

Often, you're right. New players go for the pink mohawk stuff, but not always. But even when they don't it's funnier when they do - I once had a street sam (I was playing it) jump into the air and attack a security camera with a katana, leading to a failed run and the group being chased by a truck full of goons...

Forget the SNES version, get the one for SEGA, at least it pretends to be Shadowrun as opposed to a steaming pile of poop.

As for Pink Mohawk vs Ice Cold Pros, nah, Pink Mohawk is more about style where-as Ice Cold Pro cares more about results, personally I perfer the former over the latter.

The video games (all TWO of them) thus far really haven't done the game justice. I understand that it doesn't fit too well into a video game format, but I'm sure they could at least give it the treatment they've successfully given D&D in Neverwinter Nights and Baldur's Gate...
Hmm... This joke thread is going on an odd tangent. My fault - back to the jokes!

Here is a retread joke aka insert name here joke that I have used before to point out how stupid racism is:

Q. What do you call a Ork on a bike?
A. Thief.

...

Q. What do you call two Orks on a bike?
A. Organized crime.

I then proceed to put any groups name into the joke, making note not to leave out the group I am considered to be a part of IRL, crackers/whiteys.

Was that "you" you or me?

?_?
*Stahlseele has become confused.
*Stahlseele has hurt himself!
@.@

Aw...

*Kerenshara kisses the booboo on Stahlseele's forehead*

*takes back the razor blades*