The junior sarariman was assigned to Renraku's security staff induction centre, where he was to advise new recruits about their corporation life insurance policy, especially their Security Crew Revised Estimated Withholdings and Evaluated Dividends (SCREWED).

It wasn't long before the centre's security chief noticed that the sarariman had an almost perfect record for insurance sales, something which had never happened before. Rather than ask directly about this, the security chief stood in the back of the room and listened to the sarariman's sales pitch.

The sarariman explained the basics of SCREWED to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have the SCREWED policy and end up protecting Renraku in battle against shadowrunners and are killed, Renraku has to pay 200 k to your beneficiaries. If you don't have this policy and are killed while protecting Renraku, our corporation only has to pay your beneficiaries a maximum of 6 k .

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send against the shadowrunners first?"

What's long and hard on the guys from Alamos 20K?

The third grade. Badum-bum.

Talia, that was hilarious. Thanks.

What do you do when there is a Lone Star agent bleeding to death in your front lawn?
Stop laughing, reload, and finish the sucker off.

What do you do when the so called rigger doesn't jack into the vehicle like she is supposed to....

Q: How high can a Dwarf reach?

A: Depends. How much C12 was there under his seat?

Has anyone heard the one about the Ork, the Troll and the Fixer?

Nah.......

"Knock knock..."

"Who's there?"

"Lone Star..."

"shit..."

...

...

...

"Hello? I said, Lone Star!... sir?"

So the shadowrunner walks into a bar... resist 4L Stun, Impact armor applies.

Were-tiger physical mage.

-Siege

3 orks walk into a building...
You'd think ONE of 'em woulda seen it.

Three Snoogs walk into a building.
After coming out the other side, covered in brick and mortar, one of them asks "did you feel a breeze just now?"

~J

Note: Snoog was a character in a running game of ours with INT 1 and a custom flaw that effectively meant he had Downes Syndrome. He could also shrug off tank fire, or it felt like he could.

Some lightbulb jokes, just to get the pain level nice and high...

How many streetsams does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, if there's a streetsam you can see by the LEDs on his cyberware.

How many deckers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. Maintenance orders are so easy to fake, heh.

How many Otaku does it take to change a lightbulb?
You're talking about the meat world, aren't you. Go away.

How many vehicle riggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
There was a lightbulb? I was using thermographic imaging the whole time.

How many drone riggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. First you bring in the L-S Strato-9 to get a good look at the bulb, then you bring in the GM Fix-It with the replacement bulb, then you...

How many Faces does it take to change a lightbulb?
At least twenty. They're not going to do anything if they can't network over it.

How many Humanis Policlubbers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to complain about the dirty trogs who made the bulb burn out.

How many Sons of Sauron does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they're all out surrounding the Humanis Policlubbers.

How many Spikes does it take to change a lightbulb?
The Spikes don't fix things, they break them.

How many Steppin' Wulfs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifty. One to change it, the others to be test subjects for the new cyberware that will allow the one to change the lightbulb more quickly/efficiently/etc.

How many CATCo Seraphim does it take to change a lightbulb?
You'll never know.

How many Otaku does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hey, wait... the information was on my computer just a second ago!

How many AIs does it take to change a lightbulb?
RUN! THEY'VE GOT DOLLS!!!

How many Microdeck employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thousands. One to change the lightbulb, the others to specially design the new lightbulb to suck.

How many Mitsuhama executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty. One to change it, the other nineteen to ensure that no one else who sees it lives.

How many Aztechnology employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve, plus a random victim for the Blood Spirit summoning.

How many SotSW players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They say three, but we've only ever gotten two in one place at a time.

~J

How many orks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifty-one. One to hold the lightbulb, and fifty to turn the house.

How many trolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and one to turn the house.

How many immortal elves does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Please. Stop. That.


It hurts. Much.

What?!? No Shaman jokes? I'm hurt.... c'mon, give me your worst, show me the pain!

Sphynx, Raven Shaman

How many honest Immortal Elves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All two of them.

How many Shamans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hey! Come back here! I didn't say you could take a break now, orders from your totem or no!

~J

Question: How many trolls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answering troll- "Yeah, like I could fit in a light bulb."


Think about it.

How many shaman does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just the one, but what did you want me to turn it into?

Kong.

(Crossposted)

How many Mantid spirits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, of course, but only the female leaves...

How many Johnsons does it take to screw a lightbulb?

One. And a runner named Lightbulb.

-Siege

Seattle judge: How many times have you been convicted for this offence before?
Shadowrunner about to be on hiatus: Five.
Judge: Five, is it? Then this time I shall give you the maximum sentence prescribed.
Future resident at taxpayers' expense: Maximum? Don't regular customers get a discount?



DocWagon's Seattle CEO also served on the board of the local symphony orchestra. Finding that he could not go to one of the concerts, he gave his tickets to his company's director of health care cost containment. The next morning, he asked the director how he had enjoyed the performance. Instead of the usual polite remarks, the director handed him a memo which read as follows:

The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations relative to the performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" by this city's symphony orchestra as observed under actual working conditions:

* The attendence of the conductor is unnecessary for the public performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the prior authorisation from the conductor to play the symphony at a predetermined level of quality. Considerable money could be saved merely by having the conductor critique the orchestra's performance during a retrospective peer review meeting.

* For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.

* All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical motions. This is unnecessary duplication: the staff of this section should be cut drastically with consequent savings. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has reached high levels of reproductive quality.

* Much effort was expanded playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This seems an excessive refinement, as most listeners are unable to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all notes be rounded up to eighth. If this is done, it would also be possible to use trainees and lower grade musicians with no loss of quality.

* No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns the same passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by the utilisation review committee, the concert would have been reduced from two hours to about 20 minutes, resulting in substantial savings in salaries and overhead.

In fact, if Schubert had addressed these concerns on a cost containment basis, he probably would have been able to finish this symphony.

Okay, so that last one wasn't particularly Shadowrunny - although I see no reason why Schubert's Unfinished Symphony wouldn't have survived ...


Four Awakened shadowrunners in a small remotely-rigged airplane heard the single engine begin to cough and sputter ... and die - and only then discovered that there were only three parachutes on board.

The voudoun ork of Ghede did some fast thinking. "Look, guys, I'm nothing exceptional, but I'm cute, I'm pretty good at what I do, I'm pregnant, and I've got a husband and kids at home. So if it's all the same to you, I'm so gone." She waited just long enough for the others to agree - well, it certainly sounded like agreement, although it might have been a cough - before quickly strapping on a parachute and jumping out.

The hyper-intelligent Path of the Righ elf (with CH 8 and the Exceptional Attribute: IN Edge - but somehow without either Levitation or air elemental in tow) was only half a breath behind: "Listen, I am a member of Mensa, Intertel, Triple Nine, and the Awakened Elite. I have the highest IQ in the world. I've got Alachia on my fast-call.It would be unfair to allow humanity to lose the priceless resource of my brain power. The loss of my talents would be a blow to the entire elv - uh, human race!" And telepathy must have been one of his talents, because he did not need to wait even to hear agreement spoken aloud before strapping on a pack and jumping out.

The third, an older Jedi-style wuxing magician adept, looked at the young Coyote shaman who remained. "Look, son, you might as well take the last parachute and save yourself."

But the young shaman only grinned: "We still have two parachutes left. The last guy who jumped out took my knapsack."

Internet Access: $10 - $50 a month
Computer: $400-$2000
Hours wasted on dumpshock: hundreds
Talia's joke: Priceless

My ribs hurt.

@ Hot Wheels clever girl, clever.


The following is an actual transcript from Docwagon emergency services

DW: Doc wagon em service tell me the problem sir?

Client: Uh yeah, uh a buddy and me were out uh hunting. And he just collapsed, I think he's dead.

DW: ... Sir, the first thing we need to do is find out the status of your friend, first let's make sure he's dead by...

Client: *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM*

DW: Sir are you under fire?

Client: (out of breath) Ok, I am sure he's dead.

DW: ...

A well-to-do street samurai recieves a very expensive gift from his shaman buddy: a talking firebird. the only problem is that the firebird has a mouth like a drunken sailor. All it does is curse and insult the sam. The sam, going on the advice of his Face pal tries the "kill it w/ kindness" approach. The Firebird gets even worse. Non-stop verbal abuse. Finally, the Firebird mouths off to the sam's lady friend. Well, thats the final straw; the sam freaks out. With his jazzed reflexes he has no problem grabing the firebird and throws him in the freezer. As soon as the sam slams the freezer door shut, theres a terrible screeching sound as the 'bird goes ape-shit and whole freezer unit is shaking. All that can be heard is the muffled profanity of the 'bird. Then the sounds and the ruckus stop. the sam gets nervous. Insulting or not its still an exspensive gift and he doesn't want to kill it. He opens the door. the 'bird is standing there very calm. The sam hold out his arm. the 'bird steps onto it. The 'bird says, "I am very sorry for my previous behavior. It will not happen again." So, the sam is thinking, " This is perfect! I wonder what turned him around?" And then the 'bird says, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

And fries the sam where he's standing.

Q: Hey, why can't a ghost in the Shattergraves have kids?

A: Because he has a hollow-weenie!


Q: What do you call 20 Mr. Johnsons at the bottom of the Puget Sound?

A: A good start.


Q: What do you call an Azzie Company Man w/ no arms and no legs floating the Puget Sound?

A: Bob, the future Cyberzombie.


Q: What do you call an Azzie Company Man w/ no arms and no legs hanging on the wall by an Ares Monosword?

A: Art, the future Cyberzombie.

Julio, the Covert Ops specialist was hired by a Mr Johnson to break into the home of a top corporate executive and steal some documents.

Being the exceedingly efficient B&E man that he was (at least 300 karma!) he made it into the house with no problem. However he had no idea where the documents might be kept, so he had to search.

Oh so stealthily he moved through the darkened house - he found the office and was searching through the desk when he heard a tiny, faint voice - "Jesus is watching you..." it whispered.

Needless to say, he was spooked, thinking there was someone there! Out came the Ares Supersquirt and he moved to the next room, ready to take out whomever it was. He entered the Dining room and although there was nobody there, the voice came again... "Jesus is watching you."

Through into the kitchen he went, hearing the voice with greater frequency and volume. He passed the cloakroom and entered the lounge, where he finally realised the source of the voice...

Moving over to the shrouded cage in the corner of the room, he uncovered it to reveal a small awakened Parrot. The small green-blue bird looked up at him with its wide, intelligent eyes and said "Jesus is watching you."

"Shut up, ya' stupid bird, I'm tryin' ta' work here..." muttered Julio.

"I will not shut up!" said the bird, "I live here and you don't, so don't expect me to do you any favours at all, runner scum!"

Needless to say, Julio was taken aback by the creature's bold statement. He had never heard of a sentient bird before and considdered the resale value...

"Say, Bird, what would you say to getting out of that cage? I'm sure you'd like it better if you came with me..."

"Maybe," said the bird, "But you have to stop calling me "Bird," I don't like it. My proper name is Walla-Walla-Ootchie-Koola."

Julio snorted out a laugh. "Walla-Walla-Ootchie-Koola? That is one fraggin' stupid name for a bird!"

Walla-Walla-Ootchie-Koola flapped his wings. "You could say that, Mr Shadowrunner, but then Jesus is a fraggin' stupid name for a hell hound too..."

Why'd the elf cross the Tir border?

To get to the other Sidhe.

Jesus saves you...for a snack!



-Siege

A suborbital flight takes off from Denver and is halfway across NAN territory when the engines die. The pilot uses the plane's computer to figure that, if they lose some weight, they can make it to the Seattle airport and land safely. After throwing out all the luggage, food, and any other extranious supplies, then having all unneccesary staff jump off using the plane's available parachutes, the plane was still about 210kg overweight. The pilot gets on the intercom and explains that he needs three people to sacrifice their lives so that the plane can land safely.

After a few tense moments, a Frenchman stands up and shouts "Viva la France!" and jumps out.

Another tense moment, and an Englishman jumps to his feet and shouts "God save the King!" and leaps to his doom.

Only a brief moment passes before a Texan stands up and shouts "Remember the Alamo! Remember San Antonio!" and throws out a Aztlaner.

The Abstruse One

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Verjigorm."
"Verjigorm who?"
"Verjigorma lemme in, or am I gonna hafta stand out here all night?"

Spaz, the humanoid free spirit is flying over Seattle just looking things over when he sees this incredibly gorgeous woman sunbathing in the nude on one of the rooftops. As he watches, she turns over with her incredible ass sticking up, just slightly, in the air. Realization hits as he recalls that with his speed, he could fly down there, materialize, do his thing and be gone before she had a chance to even turn around... after a bit of hesitation, he goes as fast as he can, gets on top of her, does his thing and is gone before he can hear her complain...

"What the hell was that?!?"

A painful reply is then heard as a shaman under the coverings of an Improved Invisibility spell mutters... "God, I have NO idea, but my ass suddenly hurts like hell...."

Guys, could I translate some of these jokes and hang them in my web? Some of them are realy worth been kept!

It's probably a safe bet that you aren't talking about any of my jokes, but you have my permission anyway.

~J

It's okay by me - but I don't know if John Campbell's is translatable. It's the first joke I've seen that can't even be said out loud!


A shadowrunning team on corporate retainer checked in with their Yamatetsu Johnson after a particularly difficult, violent week. When asked for an update, the team's face explained that although the security had been steadily hardened, they had nevertheless been singularly successful in sabotaging Ares research and disrupting Ares data all week. In fact, they were so diligent in their mission they'd even managed to leave two small parting gifts: a nasty worm which would systematically search out and destroy all files in the Ares structure which contained the word "research" or any of a hundred variants, and an airborne virus which would give every person inside the complex the runs until an antidote could be created.

"What?" shrieked the Johnson. "You were supposed to go after Renraku. We're not at war with Ares!"

"Oh," said the face. "Well, now you are."

I wish I could say that'd never happen in a real game.

~J

That's why runners need to ask generic, sweeping questions like:

Collateral damage? Restrictions on operations? Body count? How do you want the evidence verified? DNA? Fingerprints? Head on a platter?

If the Johnson hasn't been thinking along those lines, those questions will snap him back to reality pretty damn quickly.

-Siege

4 runners break into an ARES research weapons laboratory. The electronics specialist and the mage go ahead in to start working on cracking the vault security. Gruncho the troll street sam and the rigger stay behind to keep the area secure.

Rigger, "Gruncho, I need to go back to the van to get the explosives. I need you to wait here and handle the supplies when the rest come back out."

15 minutes later...

The electronics specialist and the mage come back out of the building. To their dismay, Gruncho is nowhere to be seen. They take a few steps forward to scan the street. Suddenly, Gruncho jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "Supplies!"

Would the troll notice?

~J

I'm not funny, but it's the thought that counts, right?

A Johnson, a fixer, and a runner walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What is this; some kind of joke?"

A Grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The Grasshopper replies, "That's alright, I can pay cred for now."

A Grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "You know they've got a drink named after you?" The Grasshopper replies, "Drek! I've only been free a day and they already know my Name!"