Dear AH,

Why do they sell hot dog buns in packs of eight but bullets in packs of ten? How does THAT make any sense?

-Brock

Dear AH,

Some son of a motherfragger went and contacted a 'finance' service for me, and got a loan authorized in my name without my consent. Now, the problem's not the money - I have enough to cover it. The problem is that they did it. I want payback in a bad way, but I'm not sure who's really more at fault. The person who took out a loan for me to cover a service they provided me which I had enough money to pay for to begin with, or the fragging loans agent who's operating with less morality than the Mafia ever had.

Who should I go after?

Vengeful in Seattle.

Dear AH,

Me and my associates have a really nice thing going on. Aside from the regular work we're into, I do a nice, brisk business involving naturally formed gemstones. My problem comes from the fact that I think our group's shaman (an utter dreamboat with powder blue eyes and Raccoon as his totem) might be lifting a bit of my private stock. I really like the guy, and he's a real good shaman, but if I don't do anything, I'm gonna end up penniless. What should I do?

- Lupinesque in Lebanon.

Dear AH,

I'm rather wired, most of it being stuff that doesn't exist on the open market -- made a few good deals a while ago and such. But because of recent events, I've been saddled with a desk job. (I used to run Security and Special Operations.) I'm running the company while the boss is in a coma. No, it wasn't me, and I'd rather like the boss to get out of the coma and take over again.

My problem is with the secretary. She's a major stockholder, and and she's helpful, but she won't let me take my guns into the press conferences. She keeps insisting that I 'not kill them', when the reporters start asking stupid questions, or trying to make me say something that will cause problems. The last time I had to deal with people not listening, shooting one or two of them worked really well -- why can't I do it to reporters? I even tried promising not to shoot them anywhere fatal!

-Needing to Shoot Someone

Dear Ancient,

How do IE's choose which age they wish to present themselves as? I mean while Har'lea' quinn seems to be about middle age, Frosty still appears in her twenties, and For'tun'e seems in his late forties despite being the oldest of the three and he appears slightly younger than Ehran the scribe who appears to be in his early fifties. How do they do it? Reconstructive surgery?

-Inquiring Mind.

Harlequin not partying? Sorry, but he seems like he'd be doing lines of Novacoke, followed by a bottle of very good Armagnac and dancing with the ladies.

Now, yes. He's practically a man about to hit his midlife crisis, still a bachelor, and go buy a '67 Firebird convertable with optional hidden missle system. But back in the day, he was a little pisser that didn't get invited to parties.

Ah, that makes sense. So does Alachia being behind Botox, the damned low manacycle helper

And what about 30-something-looking Aina? Seems shagging horrors is good for your looks ...

Alcohol acts as a preservative. She still has stretch marks, though.

Dear AH-

I seem to have gotten myself into a predicament. When I was younger, I lived out in the middle of nowhere. The priest of the area, well, he really didn't like my totem. In fact, he thinks I'm the devil incarnate. (At least, that's the most flattering thing he thinks of me.. usually he just makes me some minion) The problem is, he just won't stop chasing me and framing me. It's gotten so bad there are twice as many arrest warrents for my name as things I've done!

The problem's rather simple though.. the nutcase shouts bible passages around before he tries to blow me up, and whenever I hear anyone quoting the bible I start jumping. I've even killed people before I realized that it was just a street preacher. How do I settle down so I only knife the right preacher?

-Swordsman in Seattle

Being an Immortal Elf was so boring. Nothing to do but sit around all day, drink tea (good tea, though), and make power plays with other Immortal Elves. Then I became the Swift Hand of God and my life has turned around. Plus, it keeps me looking youthful (but not underage, so you can just sit right back down MacLeod).

~Ka'geten'shii

Dear AH

Some chummers and I got wrongfully accused of whacking a music exec a while back. The bright boys decided to run to the morgue and chop the corpse's head off to bring back to the van for some post-mortem headware analysis. That was 2 weeks ago now. How do I get them to realize that dead dwarf heads stink after 2 weeks? They just won't get rid of the fragging thing.

I'll handle this one, AH.

Dear (unnamed),

It is clear that the only way you will convince your companions that the stench of the dwarf head is too much, is to cut one of their heads off. This should end any protests to removing the dwarf head, and as AH stated before, keeping heads around will increase your risk of a haunting by 33%, so be sure to throw them all out when you're done.

-Frost

AH,

I'm a disembodied consciousness floating in a jar. I'm living in a virtual world but am unable to comprehend the meaning of "Unplugged". I've been told that all I am is a bunch of organs floating in a jar hooked up to the matrix just before I'm told to stop whinning.
Seeing as I'm a bodyless consciousness how does a guy like me (at least I think I'm a guy as I'm a collection of organs in a jar) get a date? Some of the AI chicks seem hot but they're always hanging out in ultraviolet joints that I can't get into. So what's a guy in a jar to do? Dr. Haberstam says not to worry because he's going to wipe my long term memory anyways?
Cheers,
Flem
Project ID: 2245-xyr-5y891
Nova-Tech Research Facility R&$^@%!......
..........[Simsense Feed Corrupted, inititating fix.......5%....45%.....65%.......85%.........100%]....................&$(#(@@@@@@@@@-(@@@@@@@......Black IC Detect...........5 ms till pyschotropic infection..........▓ ▓■■ς ☻☻☻☺☺☺□□□  □ □□□□₪▓ ▓■ ■ς☻☻ ☻☺☺☺□□ □  □□□ □□₪▓▓■■ς ☻☻☻☺☺☺□□□  □□□□□₪▓▓■■ς☻☻☻☺☺☺□□□□□□□□₪▓▓■■ς☻ ☻☻☺☺☺□□□   □□□ □□₪▓▓■■ς☻☻☻☺ ☺☺□□□  □□□□□₪............[syspromt$ cmd$...\\$\Blaster 7 Initiated]......[Syst em ECHO:Boo=True]........... >>>.............................. [Look at all the stars].......
[Sleaze Utility Activated] ........................................▓▓■■ς☻☻☻☺☺☺□□□
□□□□□₪: [125.123.148.265.215.124:25511154 Disconnected].........End of Line

Trans What? These Lesbian Transexual Troll things you speak of are they anything like Black IC or Deus?

Uh oh gotta go......Someone is calling my name...
Ω■ ☺□□□□••••۰۰۰□ □□□ □□□□∆Ω■☺□□□□••••۰۰۰□ □□□□□ □□∆
Ω■☺□□□□••••۰۰۰□□□□□□□□∆Ω■☺□□□□••••۰۰۰□□□□□□□□∆Ω■☺□□□□••••۰۰۰□□□□□□□□∆Ω■☺□□□□••••۰۰۰□□□□□□□□∆Ω■☺□□□□••••۰۰۰□□□□□□□□∆

"Beware the Ungamunga, for they are not subtle about asking you out for a date. Not subtle at all."
--Unnamed Bulldrekker, recovering from sphincter reconstruction

Dear Project 2245,

Worse than both, combined...


Aku

[Alot of times programmers will add little messages to port services like smtp incoming pop ports, port 110 I believe for incoming pop mail. When you log out there's ussually some verbage. -use telnet to connect to your isp's mail server ":" 110. When you type quit you'll see the verbage.....]

Dear AH,

Me and my chummers got involved in some deep drek. We had to score back a mojobox that we formerly stole from someone else in Germany. Some Panda Box or something, I don't know much about these Foci kinda things.

We find the perp who stole it from The Keeper, but he's all paranoid about some Dragon coming to get him. Unfortunately he's also one tough fragger, so he walks away, leaving us sealed in his den.

We leave a note and bust our way out, hoping that the cook will contact us after he's killed the "Dragon". - None of us really believe that drek.

There were some heavy duty magical tapestries floating in midair, in his den, so we figure he'll be back eventually and set up a stakeout. About a week later, this fragging huge buildup of magic occurs, concluding in a massive explosion, tumbling walls in Puyallup for hundreds of meters around.

We rush to the scene and find the skeleton of a dragon!! - Bones all pealed of flesh. Underneath it, we find the fragger, also skeletal, and the box, opened. So we snag it and haul hoop outta there.

This is where things get weird.

Being a Shaman of Dragon, I can't resist the opportunity to snag just a tiny bone from the pile. We do our stuff and split up. I spend the next week singing the great nameless Dragon to the spirit world. I pass out smiling, but when I wake up, my ceremonial clothes are all torn and the bone is gone!! - I have scratches all over, and it feels like a rat crawled into my mouth and died.

I can't understand this. Why is my totem angry with me? - Whats happening?!

Distressed on Mt. Rainier

AH, you might want to change that link there.

Anyone who follows it gets logged in as you. You're lucky that I wasn't in the mood to start pulling pranks with your hijacked account.

Should be fine now. Thanks.

Dear AH,
I lost my keys. Where are they?
-Keyless in Kentucky

Dear Keyless-

Behind the sofa, next to the empty wrapper for the troll-size condom three pack and your girlfriend's missing brassiere.

-AH

Y'know, in a pinch, a troll-sized condom can be used as a mask to conceal your face when robbing folks.

The Extra Large Troll Sized ones can double as sleeping bags.

And the Giant sized ones can be used by an entire dwarf family on a camping trip.

Dear AH,

I keep having this reoccuring dream that whenever I jack into the Matrix, my persona becomes akin to a raven haired man in leather with a bad CalFree accent and wooden emotions. I end up battling countless programs that look like an elven king in a suit and have a far more authentic accent. When I wake up it's in a cold sweat, and ocassionally I'm left feeling as if I know Kung Fu.

I have now developed an acute fear of jacking in, which is highly detrimental since I am currently employed on a case by case basis ensuring the safety of a small team of highly trained specialists for hire.

The only positive aspect is that ocassionally I get freaky with a sexy Salish gal with a fetish for firearms.

Help me, please!

Whoa in Witchita

Dear AH,

How internally consistent is Shadowrun in terms of plot? Are there any major internal contradictions? If so, what can be done about reconciling these?

-Gyro, the Greek Sandwich Pirate

Dear AH,

As a driver who specializes in urban recon, I've recently had to spend an inordinate amount of time jumped into my feline recon unit, "Mr. Fiskars". After the first 12 hour shift, I noticed I had these urges to vomit on the shoes of our resident sweet talker, stamp around on the deck of our computer guru for attention and his at the house cleaning drones everytime they show up. Is there something wrong?

Fiskar Protocol

Dear AH,

Thank you for Rico's number, and the want-ad brought in some... Interesting proposals. The loan shark who tried to get me on a loan I didn't take out is now sleeping with the fishes, and I'm generally much more happy.

However, I have a question. The last girl I hooked up with was a mage, and some of the things she could do (besides the obvious) were very interesting to me. She mentioned something she called 'anima free spirits,' and I don't scan. Sadly, she had to jet out to London the next morning, but she did mention that they sometimes took (meta)human form - and sometimes lovers.

Can you give me the low-down on what she was talking about, and where I might find one?

Adventureous in Seattle.

Come on... We can't let a thread this flaming funny die, can we?

Bump for great laughter.

Dear AH,

Bumps suck. Is there any other way to move a thread to the top that doesn't involve using one?

Snarky in Snohomish

Dear AH,

I've been living in Seattle for almost a year now, after growing up in the wonderful land of Amazonia. I am a human Physical Adept, and I've recently been dating a Free Forest Spirit (with metahuman form of course). She has gotten quite powerful over the time we've been together and is great in bed. However, I was planning to have children one day. Is this possible? Or am I going to have to find someone else, or adopt? One of the reasons that i've wanted children of my own, besides the obvious, is to raise them to be ninja assassins to help me overthrow Aztechnology. (Oh, don't worry, I am not completely insane, I am dating a free spirit, have a Great Dragon as a friend, and am an acquaintance of another and an Immortal Elf. I Also have the backing of Amazonia and can expect the yucatan Rebels to help out. I can probably get some friends in Haiti as well, If i can get rid of that one fragging Petro first) What should I do!? I need your All-Knowing Advice®.


Needing Ninjas

The sad thing is that if I were to hunt you down and set you on fire I would be the one to go to jail.