Full Version: Ask Ancient History
I read it now.
That's about the only dream he had while in Amazonia. 
Deah AH,
I have a bit of problem, I like light pistols. I know that the Predator is better, and a staple in any shadowrunners arsenal, but something about 6L just rings true with my spirit. All my friends look at me funny when I have to fire three bursts at the corpsec when they are firing one or two shots. What should I do?
PS: My girlfriend left me because my gun was too small.
-Little Gun in Seattle
I have a bit of problem, I like light pistols. I know that the Predator is better, and a staple in any shadowrunners arsenal, but something about 6L just rings true with my spirit. All my friends look at me funny when I have to fire three bursts at the corpsec when they are firing one or two shots. What should I do?
PS: My girlfriend left me because my gun was too small.
-Little Gun in Seattle
I am *so* making AH a "Dear Abbey" for Runners on Shadowland in my games. 
| QUOTE (Supercilious) |
| Deah AH, I have a bit of problem, I like light pistols. I know that the Predator is better, and a staple in any shadowrunners arsenal, but something about 6L just rings true with my spirit. All my friends look at me funny when I have to fire three bursts at the corpsec when they are firing one or two shots. What should I do? PS: My girlfriend left me because my gun was too small. -Little Gun in Seattle |
Dear Little,
In all things except sex, it's not size but how you use it. Don't become one of those sad individuals that tries to compensate for their smaller pistols with more expensive and varied ammunition...you'll still be shooting blanks as far as the troll with the panzer cannon strapped to his waist is concerned.
No, what you must do iz go to the firing range and maximize your skill with pistols, then aim at the vulnerable and exposed pink parts of the targets. With sufficient skill (and a little help from reflex recorders, smartlinks, rangefinders and maybe a quickened spell and definately a modified, personalized weapon or two), you can proudly take down large targets with your wimpy 2 1/2" pea-shooter. That two-bullet derringer you pull out of your pants might never cause your girlfriends to drop to their knees, mouths agape in awe and desire, but you can still achieve impressive results.
-AH
Dear AH,
I love NERPS. I mean, I really really love NERPS. I've tried to quit, but I just can't. NERPS keep me going every day. Without NERPS, I wouldn't have a reason to run. I even voted for NERPS for President (with a fake ID). The problem is, I've been seeing this elf for about six months now, and she's into all-natural everything. I never told her about NERPS, and I know she'd dump me if she found out now. What should I do?
-Nutty for NERPS
I love NERPS. I mean, I really really love NERPS. I've tried to quit, but I just can't. NERPS keep me going every day. Without NERPS, I wouldn't have a reason to run. I even voted for NERPS for President (with a fake ID). The problem is, I've been seeing this elf for about six months now, and she's into all-natural everything. I never told her about NERPS, and I know she'd dump me if she found out now. What should I do?
-Nutty for NERPS
| QUOTE (CirclMastr) |
| Dear AH, I love NERPS. I mean, I really really love NERPS. I've tried to quit, but I just can't. NERPS keep me going every day. Without NERPS, I wouldn't have a reason to run. I even voted for NERPS for President (with a fake ID). The problem is, I've been seeing this elf for about six months now, and she's into all-natural everything. I never told her about NERPS, and I know she'd dump me if she found out now. What should I do? -Nutty for NERPS |
Dear Nutty,
NERPS is good. NERPS is for you. NERPS is for everyone. I own stock in NERPS.
I had a girl once, too. An all-naturale type. Big on whole grains and salade a la terre and glacier water. She used to throw out all my junk soy and schedule us on wilderness retreats that damn near broke my strongest cover IDs and usually ended up with me shooting some hapless critter with my Predator while she wasn't looking so I could get something to eat. We made love under waterfalls and in ultraexpensive mud pools made from "organic earth and water." She'd wake me up to bagels with lox and real coffee imported from Amazonia. We even had our own little reefer plant under a sun lamp (beats having a kid, believe you me).
I finally lost it when she spent all the cred from my last run on imported air. After I finished burying the body, I tried planting a row of corn. A little morbid, but it had a poetic appeal to me as I was drinking my soykaf. It all died during the next bout of acid rain, but by then I was dating this troll girl named Tisha.
-AH
Dear AH,
I like totally saw Maria Mecurial in concert today and like, totally, want to be like her and stuff. Can you tell me how to be like her?
Totally Starstruck
I like totally saw Maria Mecurial in concert today and like, totally, want to be like her and stuff. Can you tell me how to be like her?
Totally Starstruck
All powerful AH, does twist ever get his magic back,or does he finally become a decker?
And is Striper stil alive?
And is Striper stil alive?
Dear AH,
I'm a magician, getting on into my early 40's. Not as fast as I used to be of course, which makes things difficult in my line of work as a 'deniable asset to my corporate masters.' To make matters worst, I lost an arm a year ago in a ... altercation with KE. After that , I started losing some of my edge, and so got some cyber installed, starting with the arm. And then later some other augmentations, and a smart gun link... and ... well..... you know how that story ends.
Anyways, a few months ago, I fell in with this new group, and they were able to help me get some of my magic back! It takes some longer rituals, some times involving others that have to make a sort of... self sacrifice shall we say. But everyone gives together for everyone. It's like a magical support group.
But my friends don't like it. THey think that I'm in some kind of "cult". But they haven't seen the things that I've seen, they don't understand the bond we all have to each other in the society. I think my friends are starting to plot against me. And I talked to my circle leader, and he says that I should be careful, and that I should gather ritual links on my 'so called friends'. I'm confused on what I should do? Where should my loyalties be?
- Aleph Ace
I'm a magician, getting on into my early 40's. Not as fast as I used to be of course, which makes things difficult in my line of work as a 'deniable asset to my corporate masters.' To make matters worst, I lost an arm a year ago in a ... altercation with KE. After that , I started losing some of my edge, and so got some cyber installed, starting with the arm. And then later some other augmentations, and a smart gun link... and ... well..... you know how that story ends.
Anyways, a few months ago, I fell in with this new group, and they were able to help me get some of my magic back! It takes some longer rituals, some times involving others that have to make a sort of... self sacrifice shall we say. But everyone gives together for everyone. It's like a magical support group.
But my friends don't like it. THey think that I'm in some kind of "cult". But they haven't seen the things that I've seen, they don't understand the bond we all have to each other in the society. I think my friends are starting to plot against me. And I talked to my circle leader, and he says that I should be careful, and that I should gather ritual links on my 'so called friends'. I'm confused on what I should do? Where should my loyalties be?
- Aleph Ace
Dear AH -
I am a devout follower of Aphrodite, Goddess of love and prostitution. She and I have had a great arangment. I own and operate a holy brothel in her name. We cater to middle and upperclass businessmen My workers are well cared for. The clients are all screened for STDs and iven a background check. After paying the employees, I tithe 50% of the procedes to Aphrodite's church.
Apparently, this isn't enough for her. My magic has left me. I have consulted with many Awakened practicitioners and there is no physical reason for the loss of my powers. I must have offended my goddess in some way. I just don't know what I did or how I can make it up to her.
Recently I have been having these strange dreams. I dream of chirping cicadas crawling over my face. With thier chirping, they tell me that they can give me more than Aphrodite ever did. They even showed me the ritual I need to perform to get my magic back.
I really don't want to abandon Aphrodite. She has been good to me for most of my life. But I'm not sure if I can ever return to her grace. The prostitutes I have tied up in my basement think that I shouldn't go through with the ritual. The cicadas that are incessantly chirping in my head say that I should. I need a third opinion.
- Silence of the Cicadas
I am a devout follower of Aphrodite, Goddess of love and prostitution. She and I have had a great arangment. I own and operate a holy brothel in her name. We cater to middle and upperclass businessmen My workers are well cared for. The clients are all screened for STDs and iven a background check. After paying the employees, I tithe 50% of the procedes to Aphrodite's church.
Apparently, this isn't enough for her. My magic has left me. I have consulted with many Awakened practicitioners and there is no physical reason for the loss of my powers. I must have offended my goddess in some way. I just don't know what I did or how I can make it up to her.
Recently I have been having these strange dreams. I dream of chirping cicadas crawling over my face. With thier chirping, they tell me that they can give me more than Aphrodite ever did. They even showed me the ritual I need to perform to get my magic back.
I really don't want to abandon Aphrodite. She has been good to me for most of my life. But I'm not sure if I can ever return to her grace. The prostitutes I have tied up in my basement think that I shouldn't go through with the ritual. The cicadas that are incessantly chirping in my head say that I should. I need a third opinion.
- Silence of the Cicadas
| QUOTE (DocMortland) |
| Dear AH, I like totally saw Maria Mecurial in concert today and like, totally, want to be like her and stuff. Can you tell me how to be like her? Totally Starstruck |
Dear Starstruck,
As with all rockstars, the ticket is sex, drugs and rock'n'roll!
Or in this specific case: prostitution, BTLs and invasive implants.
-AH
| QUOTE (Cynic Project) |
| All powerful AH, does twist ever get his magic back,or does he finally become a decker? And is Striper stil alive? |
No, maybe and if you consider parenthood living, yes.
| QUOTE (fistandantilus 3.0) |
| Dear AH, I'm a magician, getting on into my early 40's. Not as fast as I used to be of course, which makes things difficult in my line of work as a 'deniable asset to my corporate masters.' To make matters worst, I lost an arm a year ago in a ... altercation with KE. After that , I started losing some of my edge, and so got some cyber installed, starting with the arm. And then later some other augmentations, and a smart gun link... and ... well..... you know how that story ends. Anyways, a few months ago, I fell in with this new group, and they were able to help me get some of my magic back! It takes some longer rituals, some times involving others that have to make a sort of... self sacrifice shall we say. But everyone gives together for everyone. It's like a magical support group. But my friends don't like it. THey think that I'm in some kind of "cult". But they haven't seen the things that I've seen, they don't understand the bond we all have to each other in the society. I think my friends are starting to plot against me. And I talked to my circle leader, and he says that I should be careful, and that I should gather ritual links on my 'so called friends'. I'm confused on what I should do? Where should my loyalties be? - Aleph Ace |
Dear Aleph,
You suffer from a common affliction: magical ability. What is worse, you appear to have the rare and possibly deadly Chronic and Recurring version. I advise you to contact this 12-step recovery program. They've done wonders for the former insect shamans of the Universal Brotherhood, and I hope they can do the same for you.
-AH
| QUOTE (hyzmarca) |
| Dear AH - I am a devout follower of Aphrodite, Goddess of love and prostitution. She and I have had a great arangment. I own and operate a holy brothel in her name. We cater to middle and upperclass businessmen My workers are well cared for. The clients are all screened for STDs and iven a background check. After paying the employees, I tithe 50% of the procedes to Aphrodite's church. Apparently, this isn't enough for her. My magic has left me. I have consulted with many Awakened practicitioners and there is no physical reason for the loss of my powers. I must have offended my goddess in some way. I just don't know what I did or how I can make it up to her. Recently I have been having these strange dreams. I dream of chirping cicadas crawling over my face. With thier chirping, they tell me that they can give me more than Aphrodite ever did. They even showed me the ritual I need to perform to get my magic back. I really don't want to abandon Aphrodite. She has been good to me for most of my life. But I'm not sure if I can ever return to her grace. The prostitutes I have tied up in my basement think that I shouldn't go through with the ritual. The cicadas that are incessantly chirping in my head say that I should. I need a third opinion. - Silence of the Cicadas |
Dear Silence,
Your plight obviously lies in an inherent confusion about your gender, as shown by the dream analysis techniques of Dr. Freud. After consulting the entrails, I believe the best thing for you is to initiate into the ranks of the Temple of Hermes on the corner of 5th and Renraku Ave. They have a very relaxed set of attitudes that will do wonders for your repressed sexual needs.
Don't worry about the girls. Rico will drop by in the morning with a couple bug bombs and velvet-lined handcuffs.
-AH
Dear AH,
I grew up playing video games, and they've influenced me my entire life. In fact, they're why I got into shadowrunning. I wasn't bothered by the adolescent power and sex fantasies bleeding into real life before, but it's getting to the point where I can't control them anymore. Everything looks like a target. I can't look at a woman without picturing her naked (which can be scary when I come across the ugly women that don't belong in video games). I used to be able to have a serious relationship with someone, but now I think in terms of NPCs and Enemies. What can I do to quash these desires to sleep with any mildly attractive woman or envision a Smartgun reticle on random passers-by?
-Addict in Auburn
P.S.- Are you a girl? If so, how big are your breasts?
I grew up playing video games, and they've influenced me my entire life. In fact, they're why I got into shadowrunning. I wasn't bothered by the adolescent power and sex fantasies bleeding into real life before, but it's getting to the point where I can't control them anymore. Everything looks like a target. I can't look at a woman without picturing her naked (which can be scary when I come across the ugly women that don't belong in video games). I used to be able to have a serious relationship with someone, but now I think in terms of NPCs and Enemies. What can I do to quash these desires to sleep with any mildly attractive woman or envision a Smartgun reticle on random passers-by?
-Addict in Auburn
P.S.- Are you a girl? If so, how big are your breasts?
| QUOTE (CirclMastr) |
| Dear AH, I grew up playing video games, and they've influenced me my entire life. In fact, they're why I got into shadowrunning. I wasn't bothered by the adolescent power and sex fantasies bleeding into real life before, but it's getting to the point where I can't control them anymore. Everything looks like a target. I can't look at a woman without picturing her naked (which can be scary when I come across the ugly women that don't belong in video games). I used to be able to have a serious relationship with someone, but now I think in terms of NPCs and Enemies. What can I do to quash these desires to sleep with any mildly attractive woman or envision a Smartgun reticle on random passers-by? -Addict in Auburn P.S.- Are you a girl? If so, how big are your breasts? |
Dear Addict,
Welcome to puberty and a realistic view of life. Unfortunately, the only cure is gender alteration surgery (you may also choose to go neuter, I hear it does wonders for balance) or heavy drinking.
I am not a girl, no matter what those bitches down on the Square might tell you.
-Aunty H
Dear AH,
Lately it seems that I just can't catch a break. I got laid off from my job at Ares back in 2053, and now a year later I find that my SIN records have completely vanished from the UCAS database. I've got a little certified cred stashed away that I'm using to pay off the landlord, but even on a steady diet of soy and krillflakes I've only got a few months left. The government says they've got no record of my existence, and no one will hire me without a SIN. Sometimes it feels like I just can't go on. I was standing on an overpass contemplating jumping the other day when a man came up to me and told me to get help. He told me about this place called the Universal Brotherhood with a chapter right near my apartment, but when he talked about it he sounded like some new-age hippy. I'd write him off as a nut, but I'm desperate. Should I go to them for help?
-Crazy in Chicago
Lately it seems that I just can't catch a break. I got laid off from my job at Ares back in 2053, and now a year later I find that my SIN records have completely vanished from the UCAS database. I've got a little certified cred stashed away that I'm using to pay off the landlord, but even on a steady diet of soy and krillflakes I've only got a few months left. The government says they've got no record of my existence, and no one will hire me without a SIN. Sometimes it feels like I just can't go on. I was standing on an overpass contemplating jumping the other day when a man came up to me and told me to get help. He told me about this place called the Universal Brotherhood with a chapter right near my apartment, but when he talked about it he sounded like some new-age hippy. I'd write him off as a nut, but I'm desperate. Should I go to them for help?
-Crazy in Chicago
| QUOTE (Kagetenshi) |
| Dear AH, Lately it seems that I just can't catch a break. I got laid off from my job at Ares back in 2053, and now a year later I find that my SIN records have completely vanished from the UCAS database. I've got a little certified cred stashed away that I'm using to pay off the landlord, but even on a steady diet of soy and krillflakes I've only got a few months left. The government says they've got no record of my existence, and no one will hire me without a SIN. Sometimes it feels like I just can't go on. I was standing on an overpass contemplating jumping the other day when a man came up to me and told me to get help. He told me about this place called the Universal Brotherhood with a chapter right near my apartment, but when he talked about it he sounded like some new-age hippy. I'd write him off as a nut, but I'm desperate. Should I go to them for help? -Crazy in Chicago |
Dear Crazy,
Don't you have some unnecessary organs you can sell? Those religious groups can be scary.
-AH
Dear AH,
I'm a member of an elven biker gang and we have been feuding with a trog group lately. I'm sooo torn, because I'm in love with one of their members, Bubba. What shall I do?
-Elf in Leather*
I'm a member of an elven biker gang and we have been feuding with a trog group lately. I'm sooo torn, because I'm in love with one of their members, Bubba. What shall I do?
-Elf in Leather*
| QUOTE (PBTHHHHT @ Jul 5 2005, 08:15 PM) |
| Dear AH, I'm a member of an elven biker gang and we have been feuding with a trog group lately. I'm sooo torn, because I'm in love with one of their members, Bubba. What shall I do? -Elf in Leather* |
Dear Elf,
Use lube, and make sure to use at least three cameras to cover the different angles. You might want to train up a bit first...not many think stitches are sexy.
Also, your gangs should be accepting of your mutual independent lifestyles. Now that the nuclear family has split into radical isotopic molecules, all you have left are those you "love," the definition of which is up to you and no one else according to the last United Nations International Metahuman Rights Decree.
-AH
P.S. You are SUCH a fairy*.
Dear AH,
I wrote in before, about the Night-One decker I had seen? After careful evaluation, I decided that area was an emotional minefield that lay on the artilliary range of domestic dispute. Naturally, I extracted myself as quickly as possible, but am still lost.
Can you reccomend a good dating service, preferably one that caters to female same-sex relations inter-metatype, and does not care if you have a SIN or not?
~ Still loveless in Seattle.
PS, if you know of no such service, or even if you do, can I have Rico's contact number? I've enclosed a 450
finder's fee for you.
I wrote in before, about the Night-One decker I had seen? After careful evaluation, I decided that area was an emotional minefield that lay on the artilliary range of domestic dispute. Naturally, I extracted myself as quickly as possible, but am still lost.
Can you reccomend a good dating service, preferably one that caters to female same-sex relations inter-metatype, and does not care if you have a SIN or not?
~ Still loveless in Seattle.
PS, if you know of no such service, or even if you do, can I have Rico's contact number? I've enclosed a 450
finder's fee for you.
| QUOTE (ShadowDragon8685) |
| Dear AH, I wrote in before, about the Night-One decker I had seen? After careful evaluation, I decided that area was an emotional minefield that lay on the artilliary range of domestic dispute. Naturally, I extracted myself as quickly as possible, but am still lost. Can you reccomend a good dating service, preferably one that caters to female same-sex relations inter-metatype, and does not care if you have a SIN or not? ~ Still loveless in Seattle. PS, if you know of no such service, or even if you do, can I have Rico's contact number? I've enclosed a 450 finder's fee for you. |
<transaction begins>
<contacting bank>
<cred download begins>
<insufficient funds>
<cred download paused>
<credit accountant "Guido" contacted>
<loan agreement processed>
<transferring ten thousand nuyen into account>
<cred download resumes>
<cred download completed>
<telecom number "Rico's Pet Shop and Porn Store" transferred>
<want ad posted to "Seattle Personals" category "Woman-seeking-Woman">
<transaction complete>
<please take receipt>
Dear AH,
Recently I paid a large undisclosed sum of borrowed money to persons of shady charcter to remove me from the life I have been living under Cross Applied Tech. Now that Im no longer under the French Jackboot, how should I go about rebuilding a life where I can sleep somewhere other then this 2x3x1 rental coffin? Im rapidly running out of money, and have found it rather dangerous to venture any further then the front door.
-Post Dated loan check.
Recently I paid a large undisclosed sum of borrowed money to persons of shady charcter to remove me from the life I have been living under Cross Applied Tech. Now that Im no longer under the French Jackboot, how should I go about rebuilding a life where I can sleep somewhere other then this 2x3x1 rental coffin? Im rapidly running out of money, and have found it rather dangerous to venture any further then the front door.
-Post Dated loan check.
| QUOTE (Lindt) |
| Dear AH, Recently I paid a large undisclosed sum of borrowed money to persons of shady charcter to remove me from the life I have been living under Cross Applied Tech. Now that Im no longer under the French Jackboot, how should I go about rebuilding a life where I can sleep somewhere other then this 2x3x1 rental coffin? Im rapidly running out of money, and have found it rather dangerous to venture any further then the front door. -Post Dated loan check. |
Dear Post-dated,
Generally, it is advisable to secure an alternate position in another company or organization before arranging your own extraction. In this case, you will have to quickly leave your coffin and impress a local corporation or criminal cartel with your relevant work experience and worth...or you'll end up selling yourself on the street and being ravished then devoured by ghouls. Depending on how high your charisma is, natch.
-AH
Dear AH,
I'm a member in a local social club which is composed of my peers. Some weeks back a competing social biker club tried to.....come and say bad things about.....Oh crap, making this phony drek up is hurting my head. I'm a member of a Troll go-gang and we are in street war with a group of biker Ancients that are trying to push into our territory.
We lost a bunch of guys and things were going poorly. So our leader said I had to get us an edge on what the Ancient's next moves were by trying to make friends with one of them. But I think something went terribly wrong. I came back to the burned out van where I live and got the fright of my life yesterday. I should have know something was wrong before I even openned the back doors. Th stench of valseline mixed with jasmine inscense was overpowering. The flower-sniffer was standing behind the passenger seat while reaching over and grasping onto the glove compartment door.....wearing nothing but riding chaps, a silver choker-chain leash, and a grin.
I was more than little freaked out, but managed to cough and mumble something about that reminding me I forgot to buy groceries and then leave. But I'm not sure I was smooth enough to convince him. When I worked up the courage to tell my gang leader he was less than supportive. He told me I couldn't let my brothers down, that I still had to pump the little tree-hugger for all the information I could get.
So how can I let down the elf easy but still still stay his friend to learn enough information to destroy him and the Ancients gang and feast upon their bones?
Bothered Brother
I'm a member in a local social club which is composed of my peers. Some weeks back a competing social biker club tried to.....come and say bad things about.....Oh crap, making this phony drek up is hurting my head. I'm a member of a Troll go-gang and we are in street war with a group of biker Ancients that are trying to push into our territory.
We lost a bunch of guys and things were going poorly. So our leader said I had to get us an edge on what the Ancient's next moves were by trying to make friends with one of them. But I think something went terribly wrong. I came back to the burned out van where I live and got the fright of my life yesterday. I should have know something was wrong before I even openned the back doors. Th stench of valseline mixed with jasmine inscense was overpowering. The flower-sniffer was standing behind the passenger seat while reaching over and grasping onto the glove compartment door.....wearing nothing but riding chaps, a silver choker-chain leash, and a grin.
I was more than little freaked out, but managed to cough and mumble something about that reminding me I forgot to buy groceries and then leave. But I'm not sure I was smooth enough to convince him. When I worked up the courage to tell my gang leader he was less than supportive. He told me I couldn't let my brothers down, that I still had to pump the little tree-hugger for all the information I could get.
So how can I let down the elf easy but still still stay his friend to learn enough information to destroy him and the Ancients gang and feast upon their bones?
Bothered Brother
Dear AH,
This is Elf in Leather again, and I tried to do what you told me, but I think he's seeing somebody else. The way he said he forgot his groceries and he didn't come back again that evening, I waited and waited and oh... I am so vexed!!!
I know he's seeing somebody else and no one else can have him! Next time you hear of me it will probably be in the news, but he's gonna pay! I'm gonna get a leash and collar his size and I hope he's not allergic to vaseline up there...
-Vexed Elf
This is Elf in Leather again, and I tried to do what you told me, but I think he's seeing somebody else. The way he said he forgot his groceries and he didn't come back again that evening, I waited and waited and oh... I am so vexed!!!
I know he's seeing somebody else and no one else can have him! Next time you hear of me it will probably be in the news, but he's gonna pay! I'm gonna get a leash and collar his size and I hope he's not allergic to vaseline up there...
-Vexed Elf
Dear AH,
Bothered Brother with a followup.
I'm really confused now. After I sent my last corrospondance I returned to my van. I'm not sure exactly what happened next as everything went black, but I awoke some time later to....banging. And then we cuddled, and talked, and he's really a sweet, beautiful person deep down. Now I'm so torn in my loyalties. My Brothers are my only family, and have been as long as I can remember. They have saved me from an early bitter Barrens death.
But these new....emotions. I wish the whole rest of the world would just disappear and leave me and my Bunnypoo (my secret name for him) alone. Why must we have such violence and hate thrust upon us?
P.S. His excesive, clumsy use of eyeliner still freaks me out a bit.
Bothered, Bewildered, and Betwitched Brother
Bothered Brother with a followup.
I'm really confused now. After I sent my last corrospondance I returned to my van. I'm not sure exactly what happened next as everything went black, but I awoke some time later to....banging. And then we cuddled, and talked, and he's really a sweet, beautiful person deep down. Now I'm so torn in my loyalties. My Brothers are my only family, and have been as long as I can remember. They have saved me from an early bitter Barrens death.
But these new....emotions. I wish the whole rest of the world would just disappear and leave me and my Bunnypoo (my secret name for him) alone. Why must we have such violence and hate thrust upon us?
P.S. His excesive, clumsy use of eyeliner still freaks me out a bit.
Bothered, Bewildered, and Betwitched Brother
Dear AH,
Long-time reader, first-time writer, love the column. Anyway, I'm a Bacchus idolist, with a particular talent for conjuring spirits. It's just so much easier than doing the work yourself. After years of this, of course I've developed a rapport with some of the spirits I conjure more often. One in particular is a hearth spirit (not telling where) that I've really gotten close to. We talk about everything and always have a great time together, the sort of relationship you'd have with a close sibling. Well anyway, last night we were planning to hit the club scene, but when I conjured the spirit, it materialized as sort of... well, a tramp. Fishnet stockings, halter top, the whole nine yards. I guess it was trying to come on to me, but... ugh, y'know? Plus I'm not even sure it has the 'materialization' for it, if you catch my drift. So I was wondering if that sort of thing works with spirits. Also, how do you go about dating a spirit? And what can I do to give it a sense of taste (if only you'd seen the lipstick it had on, my lord...)?
-Confused Conjurer
Long-time reader, first-time writer, love the column. Anyway, I'm a Bacchus idolist, with a particular talent for conjuring spirits. It's just so much easier than doing the work yourself. After years of this, of course I've developed a rapport with some of the spirits I conjure more often. One in particular is a hearth spirit (not telling where) that I've really gotten close to. We talk about everything and always have a great time together, the sort of relationship you'd have with a close sibling. Well anyway, last night we were planning to hit the club scene, but when I conjured the spirit, it materialized as sort of... well, a tramp. Fishnet stockings, halter top, the whole nine yards. I guess it was trying to come on to me, but... ugh, y'know? Plus I'm not even sure it has the 'materialization' for it, if you catch my drift. So I was wondering if that sort of thing works with spirits. Also, how do you go about dating a spirit? And what can I do to give it a sense of taste (if only you'd seen the lipstick it had on, my lord...)?
-Confused Conjurer
| QUOTE (Get a Blog @ you two!) | ||||||
|
| QUOTE (CirclMastr) |
| Dear AH, Long-time reader, first-time writer, love the column. Anyway, I'm a Bacchus idolist, with a particular talent for conjuring spirits. It's just so much easier than doing the work yourself. After years of this, of course I've developed a rapport with some of the spirits I conjure more often. One in particular is a hearth spirit (not telling where) that I've really gotten close to. We talk about everything and always have a great time together, the sort of relationship you'd have with a close sibling. Well anyway, last night we were planning to hit the club scene, but when I conjured the spirit, it materialized as sort of... well, a tramp. Fishnet stockings, halter top, the whole nine yards. I guess it was trying to come on to me, but... ugh, y'know? Plus I'm not even sure it has the 'materialization' for it, if you catch my drift. So I was wondering if that sort of thing works with spirits. Also, how do you go about dating a spirit? And what can I do to give it a sense of taste (if only you'd seen the lipstick it had on, my lord...)? -Confused Conjurer |
Dear Confused,
Animerotics are a rare but not unknown aspect of metahuman-spiritual relations. While there are few things known for certain (most megacorps prefer to invest their research dollars in other projects), I'd advise you to treat the spirit as any other sentient entity with regards to developing a possible sensual relationship. The best advice I can give you is to direct you to the xXxenophiliac forums; they usually handle nagas, sasquatch, dragons and centaurs, but I'm sure you can find something there for your situation.
As for giving taste, the best you can do is give it karma toward improving its social skills. Otherwise, you'll have to resort to the tried-and-true method of changing your respective mate. Women have to go through that all the time with men, and now so will you.
-AH
Dear AH,
There's this girl I met in a private decker chatroom that I'm sweet on. We were dating until a few weeks ago, when she suddenly drops offline and doesn't show up again for several days. After that she never stays on long and doesn't wants to be intimate in our private hosts anymore. When I asked her about it, she said I gave her a bad case of jack itch and she doesn't want it to become permanent. I've never suffered from jack itch. Could I really have given it to her, or is she seeing someone else in the meatworld?
-Decker in Denial
There's this girl I met in a private decker chatroom that I'm sweet on. We were dating until a few weeks ago, when she suddenly drops offline and doesn't show up again for several days. After that she never stays on long and doesn't wants to be intimate in our private hosts anymore. When I asked her about it, she said I gave her a bad case of jack itch and she doesn't want it to become permanent. I've never suffered from jack itch. Could I really have given it to her, or is she seeing someone else in the meatworld?
-Decker in Denial
Dear AH,
I am a mage runner, and I want to initiate. I long to learn of the deeper mysteries of the Astral. But I can't wait, I need a group to support me! Life is short and all that. Also, I want to be able to share my experience with people who understand me, and while they're nice, my fellow runners all are into wires, and none know even the little bit about magic dog taught me thus far.
I'm a dog shaman, male, have a charming theurgic mage girlfriend (who, sadly, has a fundamentally different understanding of magic), and am lookiong for an initiatory gtroup.
But these are exclusive, elusive entities, right? How shall I find me one? Just walk up to a random magical pub and ask around? I'm a bit shy in that respect. Also, I dread what kind of people I could end up with - you know all those stories about secret cabals and the Ordo Maximus and the Aleph Society ... so, can you give me a clue how to get started, how to find me a group that fits my ideas and will accept me into their ranks?
Thanks in advance,
- Seeking Shaman -
I am a mage runner, and I want to initiate. I long to learn of the deeper mysteries of the Astral. But I can't wait, I need a group to support me! Life is short and all that. Also, I want to be able to share my experience with people who understand me, and while they're nice, my fellow runners all are into wires, and none know even the little bit about magic dog taught me thus far.
I'm a dog shaman, male, have a charming theurgic mage girlfriend (who, sadly, has a fundamentally different understanding of magic), and am lookiong for an initiatory gtroup.
But these are exclusive, elusive entities, right? How shall I find me one? Just walk up to a random magical pub and ask around? I'm a bit shy in that respect. Also, I dread what kind of people I could end up with - you know all those stories about secret cabals and the Ordo Maximus and the Aleph Society ... so, can you give me a clue how to get started, how to find me a group that fits my ideas and will accept me into their ranks?
Thanks in advance,
- Seeking Shaman -
| QUOTE (Kagetenshi) |
| Dear AH, There's this girl I met in a private decker chatroom that I'm sweet on. We were dating until a few weeks ago, when she suddenly drops offline and doesn't show up again for several days. After that she never stays on long and doesn't wants to be intimate in our private hosts anymore. When I asked her about it, she said I gave her a bad case of jack itch and she doesn't want it to become permanent. I've never suffered from jack itch. Could I really have given it to her, or is she seeing someone else in the meatworld? -Decker in Denial |
Dear Decker,
I've got your number, Bogey you fragger. You stay off of the dating hosts Gates, this is your final warning. I've got a Black Hammer utility just for you, and I'll tell your daddy too!
-AH
| QUOTE (hermit) |
| Dear AH, I am a mage runner, and I want to initiate. I long to learn of the deeper mysteries of the Astral. But I can't wait, I need a group to support me! Life is short and all that. Also, I want to be able to share my experience with people who understand me, and while they're nice, my fellow runners all are into wires, and none know even the little bit about magic dog taught me thus far. I'm a dog shaman, male, have a charming theurgic mage girlfriend (who, sadly, has a fundamentally different understanding of magic), and am lookiong for an initiatory gtroup. But these are exclusive, elusive entities, right? How shall I find me one? Just walk up to a random magical pub and ask around? I'm a bit shy in that respect. Also, I dread what kind of people I could end up with - you know all those stories about secret cabals and the Ordo Maximus and the Aleph Society ... so, can you give me a clue how to get started, how to find me a group that fits my ideas and will accept me into their ranks? Thanks in advance, - Seeking Shaman - |
Dear Seeking,
I highly reccomend the latest publication in the world of magical socieites, Loose Alliances, for all your initiate group seeking needs.
-AH
I have no idea how Abby does it.
| QUOTE (Ancient History) |
| I have no idea how Abby does it. |
A team of proffessional writers.
Afterall, AH, you are just a single man going against the system.
| QUOTE (Ancient History) |
| Dear Decker, I've got your number, Bogey you fragger. You stay off of the dating hosts Gates, this is your final warning. I've got a Black Hammer utility just for you, and I'll tell your daddy too! -AH |
Hahaha. Nice touch, AH.
But Abby is no where near as entertaining.
Dear AH,
I have this problem, I don't seem to be able to stop shooting people. This can get in the way when going to stuffer shack for a milk shake! I don't know what comes over me..... I just get this urge to pull my gun out and BLAM!.
A friend said it could be because I suffer from an anger problem, that or the drugs i'm not sure? He was about to come up with a solution and I shot him! I was debating going about without mu guns but the problem is I am a weapon smith and its kind of my job!
Any help would be greatly appreciated as I keep shooting my clients and it bad for business!
Yours
Attilius
I have this problem, I don't seem to be able to stop shooting people. This can get in the way when going to stuffer shack for a milk shake! I don't know what comes over me..... I just get this urge to pull my gun out and BLAM!.
A friend said it could be because I suffer from an anger problem, that or the drugs i'm not sure? He was about to come up with a solution and I shot him! I was debating going about without mu guns but the problem is I am a weapon smith and its kind of my job!
Any help would be greatly appreciated as I keep shooting my clients and it bad for business!
Yours
Attilius
| QUOTE (torzzzzz @ Jul 6 2005, 02:22 PM) |
| Dear AH, I have this problem, I don't seem to be able to stop shooting people. This can get in the way when going to stuffer shack for a milk shake! I don't know what comes over me..... I just get this urge to pull my gun out and BLAM!. A friend said it could be because I suffer from an anger problem, that or the drugs i'm not sure? He was about to come up with a solution and I shot him! I was debating going about without mu guns but the problem is I am a weapon smith and its kind of my job! Any help would be greatly appreciated as I keep shooting my clients and it bad for business! Yours Attilius |
Dear Assilius,
It appears you suffer from anger management issues. Given your incessent desire to draw a gun and shoot someone with this problem, it appears you fixate on the penetrative aspects of your unfortunate mental illness. I suggest you begin a series of sex therapy sessions to wean you off yoru more brutal impulses. Every time you want to shoot someone, go nail a joygirl instead. I've never heard of any complaints, except for one girl who became quite sore. Hang out in the Barrens and it might well be cheaper than your bullets.
-AH
Dear AH,
There's nothing like the smell of gunpowder and the screams of one's enemies. Give me a customized pistol and a corp goon to fire it at and I'm a happy camper. Problem is, lately I've been hearing a voice tell me it's wrong to hurt people and I keep dreaming of a white bird offering me powers. It's getting to me. What should I do?
There's nothing like the smell of gunpowder and the screams of one's enemies. Give me a customized pistol and a corp goon to fire it at and I'm a happy camper. Problem is, lately I've been hearing a voice tell me it's wrong to hurt people and I keep dreaming of a white bird offering me powers. It's getting to me. What should I do?
| QUOTE (Smiley) |
| Dear AH, There's nothing like the smell of gunpowder and the screams of one's enemies. Give me a customized pistol and a corp goon to fire it at and I'm a happy camper. Problem is, lately I've been hearing a voice tell me it's wrong to hurt people and I keep dreaming of a white bird offering me powers. It's getting to me. What should I do? |
Dear Nameless-
Sounds like a girlfriend. Man, they're worse than psychotropic programs when it comes to changing your behavior. It used to be you'd sleep with a gun in a bed holster and now your sharing covers and programming the toilet seat to lower itself after you're done. I suggest a guy's night out at the bar watching Neil the Ork barbarian on the trideo.
-AH
Dear AH,
Having been born the mundane daughter of a mage, I learned pretty fast that some elf posers (yes, that means you, daddy) consider the Awakened some sort of higher form of life. And that daughters who lack that special something are critical failures.
I chose my own path regardless, one that involved a lot of wires and implants. I can consider myself a quite competent rigger, and have stayed alive for more than ten years in Seattle's shadows.
Now, recently, some elf mage with a face paint fetish showed up and told me that weird ritual I happened to have had to join in a few months ago because the team needed someone to drive them through the outback made me 'one of his kind', whatever he meant by that. However, I have also quite recently experienced a very strange sensation that, I think, was astral perception.
Now, I scored rock bottom on all those stupid is-it-a-mage tests, but doesn't having astral perception mean you're a mage? Now what?
sincerely,
- Possibly Awakened Wirehead -
Having been born the mundane daughter of a mage, I learned pretty fast that some elf posers (yes, that means you, daddy) consider the Awakened some sort of higher form of life. And that daughters who lack that special something are critical failures.
I chose my own path regardless, one that involved a lot of wires and implants. I can consider myself a quite competent rigger, and have stayed alive for more than ten years in Seattle's shadows.
Now, recently, some elf mage with a face paint fetish showed up and told me that weird ritual I happened to have had to join in a few months ago because the team needed someone to drive them through the outback made me 'one of his kind', whatever he meant by that. However, I have also quite recently experienced a very strange sensation that, I think, was astral perception.
Now, I scored rock bottom on all those stupid is-it-a-mage tests, but doesn't having astral perception mean you're a mage? Now what?
sincerely,
- Possibly Awakened Wirehead -
Dear AH,
Every morning I find myself naked in a field outside of Ft.Worth TX. I'm covered in blood, and I don't know how I got there but occassionally I find the occasional name Tag of a Stuffer Schack employee. I have this weird pentagram etched into my chest and I occassionally get a hankering for dog chow every once and a while. My friend Jules Duchon in New Orleans says I shouldn't worry but I dunno. I can't but help and wonder where I'm going at night. I'll be drinking at a bar and the next thing I know I'm lying naked next to Carswell Airforce Base. What could you suggest? Also I have this urge to stick my head outside of the drivers window when I drive. I don't know why?
Any ideas?,
Eric VonSperten
P.s. Anyone know when System Failure is coming out?
Every morning I find myself naked in a field outside of Ft.Worth TX. I'm covered in blood, and I don't know how I got there but occassionally I find the occasional name Tag of a Stuffer Schack employee. I have this weird pentagram etched into my chest and I occassionally get a hankering for dog chow every once and a while. My friend Jules Duchon in New Orleans says I shouldn't worry but I dunno. I can't but help and wonder where I'm going at night. I'll be drinking at a bar and the next thing I know I'm lying naked next to Carswell Airforce Base. What could you suggest? Also I have this urge to stick my head outside of the drivers window when I drive. I don't know why?
Any ideas?,
Eric VonSperten
P.s. Anyone know when System Failure is coming out?
Dear Possibly,
I would encourage you to stay away from men with painted faces-they tend to be pedophiles. Especially elves (Tir Tairngire police have them profiled as such for random pull-overs). If you do believe you're a late bloomer, I suggest going to Victoriana's Secrets in the Crime Mall, and ask Lucy to help you pick out your first whale bone corset. She'll give you a once-over and initiate you into the secret sorority of women, telling you all about magic, how to wear high heeled shoes, enchanting, that time of the month, etc.
By the way, I have a coupon for a free hate crime. Want it for dear daddy? I hear the Sons of Sauron need a stripper for an upcoming stag party anyway.
-AH
I would encourage you to stay away from men with painted faces-they tend to be pedophiles. Especially elves (Tir Tairngire police have them profiled as such for random pull-overs). If you do believe you're a late bloomer, I suggest going to Victoriana's Secrets in the Crime Mall, and ask Lucy to help you pick out your first whale bone corset. She'll give you a once-over and initiate you into the secret sorority of women, telling you all about magic, how to wear high heeled shoes, enchanting, that time of the month, etc.
By the way, I have a coupon for a free hate crime. Want it for dear daddy? I hear the Sons of Sauron need a stripper for an upcoming stag party anyway.
-AH
| QUOTE (kryton) |
| Dear AH, Every morning I find myself naked in a field outside of Ft.Worth TX. I'm covered in blood, and I don't know how I got there but occassionally I find the occasional name Tag of a Stuffer Schack employee. I have this weird pentagram etched into my chest and I occassionally get a hankering for dog chow every once and a while. My friend Jules Duchon in New Orleans says I shouldn't worry but I dunno. I can't but help and wonder where I'm going at night. I'll be drinking at a bar and the next thing I know I'm lying naked next to Carswell Airforce Base. What could you suggest? Also I have this urge to stick my head outside of the drivers window when I drive. I don't know why? Any ideas?, Eric VonSperten |
Dear Eric,
You Texans sure know how to have fun! I bet the girls must love the body alteration on your test. You should stay away from partying with Sasquatch, though...you never know what they carry.
-AH
| QUOTE |
| P.s. Anyone know when System Failure is coming out? |
Adam might.
Dear AH -
I was recently the victim of corporate downsizing. Having lost both my source of income and a cushy corporate appartment I was kind of desperate for a comfortable but cheap place to stay and a new job. I ended up turning to want ads on the matrix
To make a long story short, I am not the front man for a fairly wealthy SINless person. He provides all of the nuyen but everything is in my name. It would out fairly well. I do the shopping and clean around the house, he sleeps most of the day and works all night. I still don't know what he does for a living but it must pay very well.
The problem is that my roomate is a shapeshifter. He prefers to stay in his animal form. The neighbors and landlord think he is my pet. I can tollerate most of his odd habits but I cannot stand cleaning up after him. No matter how hard I try I can't convince him to assume human form and use a toilet. I try to compromise and put down some paper for him and th enext thing I know my bed is soaked in urine. I got the message. He does his business when and where he wants to.
Its just driving me crazy. I can't move out. I have no income and no other place to go.
What should I do?
Frustrated in Poopsville
I was recently the victim of corporate downsizing. Having lost both my source of income and a cushy corporate appartment I was kind of desperate for a comfortable but cheap place to stay and a new job. I ended up turning to want ads on the matrix
To make a long story short, I am not the front man for a fairly wealthy SINless person. He provides all of the nuyen but everything is in my name. It would out fairly well. I do the shopping and clean around the house, he sleeps most of the day and works all night. I still don't know what he does for a living but it must pay very well.
The problem is that my roomate is a shapeshifter. He prefers to stay in his animal form. The neighbors and landlord think he is my pet. I can tollerate most of his odd habits but I cannot stand cleaning up after him. No matter how hard I try I can't convince him to assume human form and use a toilet. I try to compromise and put down some paper for him and th enext thing I know my bed is soaked in urine. I got the message. He does his business when and where he wants to.
Its just driving me crazy. I can't move out. I have no income and no other place to go.
What should I do?
Frustrated in Poopsville
| QUOTE (hyzmarca @ Jul 7 2005, 01:19 AM) |
| Dear AH - I was recently the victim of corporate downsizing. Having lost both my source of income and a cushy corporate appartment I was kind of desperate for a comfortable but cheap place to stay and a new job. I ended up turning to want ads on the matrix To make a long story short, I am not the front man for a fairly wealthy SINless person. He provides all of the nuyen but everything is in my name. It would out fairly well. I do the shopping and clean around the house, he sleeps most of the day and works all night. I still don't know what he does for a living but it must pay very well. The problem is that my roomate is a shapeshifter. He prefers to stay in his animal form. The neighbors and landlord think he is my pet. I can tollerate most of his odd habits but I cannot stand cleaning up after him. No matter how hard I try I can't convince him to assume human form and use a toilet. I try to compromise and put down some paper for him and th enext thing I know my bed is soaked in urine. I got the message. He does his business when and where he wants to. Its just driving me crazy. I can't move out. I have no income and no other place to go. What should I do? Frustrated in Poopsville |
Dear Frustrated-
Rightsizing is the word you're looking for, and at a guess I'd say your spelling and grammar were the reasons why, hmm?
In any event, you have entered into a prison relationship, wherein you profit from the resources of another at the cost of some of your own resources and respect. In other words, he's the butch and you're the bitch. There's no nicer way to put it. Your only hope is to get a job on the outside before he goes into heat.
In the meantime, see if he'll spring for one of those little cleaner-robots. It'll take it several trips, but it might make your life easier. Oh, and do try to understand your friend and his perspective...it simply would not do for you to bring a girl over and you get upset because he goes to sniff her crotch.
-AH
Dear AH,
Your advice <deleted by sysop> sucks! You told me to break up with my girlfriend and switch to those <deleted by sysop> hookers. Well I did, and now I have a <deleted by sysop> disease and it <deleted by sysop> burns when I <deleted by sysop>!! If you <deleted by sysop> think you're <deleted by sysop> <deleted by sysop> man enough to face me, get the <deleted by sysop> down to 4th and Main and <deleted by sysop> prove it!
-<deleted by sysop> in Seattle
Your advice <deleted by sysop> sucks! You told me to break up with my girlfriend and switch to those <deleted by sysop> hookers. Well I did, and now I have a <deleted by sysop> disease and it <deleted by sysop> burns when I <deleted by sysop>!! If you <deleted by sysop> think you're <deleted by sysop> <deleted by sysop> man enough to face me, get the <deleted by sysop> down to 4th and Main and <deleted by sysop> prove it!
-<deleted by sysop> in Seattle
HAHAHA *mad giggles* hehehehe.... 
AH,
Thanks for the advice I'm off to find some therapy as recommended, I will inform you if the outcome is a good one!
Thanks again
A geatfull Attilius
Thanks for the advice I'm off to find some therapy as recommended, I will inform you if the outcome is a good one!
Thanks again
A geatfull Attilius
| QUOTE (CirclMastr @ Jul 7 2005, 05:10 AM) |
| Dear AH, Your advice <deleted by sysop> sucks! You told me to break up with my girlfriend and switch to those <deleted by sysop> hookers. Well I did, and now I have a <deleted by sysop> disease and it <deleted by sysop> burns when I <deleted by sysop>!! If you <deleted by sysop> think you're <deleted by sysop> <deleted by sysop> man enough to face me, get the <deleted by sysop> down to 4th and Main and <deleted by sysop> prove it! -<deleted by sysop> in Seattle |
Dear Deleted,
I told you to get your shots first. It's not my fault that your ex-girlfriend is the Sysop! By the way, you were insane to break up with her. She was all crying and shit and I made my move and damn is she hot in the sack!
-AH
| QUOTE (torzzzz) |
| AH, Thanks for the advice I'm off to find some therapy as recommended, I will inform you if the outcome is a good one! Thanks again A geatfull Attilius |
Another satisfied customer.
Dear AH,
I'm a long time reader, first time writing in for advice. Anyways, I was kicking back after a night of doing absolutely nothing illegal whatsoever, enjoying some real beer for a change, and these pale, greyish sort of guys pick a fight with me. I kick their asses, but one of the fraggers actually bites me. I don't think anything of it, but it's been a few days. And since then, my vision has been getting kinda blurry, and when I watch my simporn, I don't get horny so much as I get... hungry. Haven't been able to keep anything down, either.
What should I do?
Starving in Seattle.
I'm a long time reader, first time writing in for advice. Anyways, I was kicking back after a night of doing absolutely nothing illegal whatsoever, enjoying some real beer for a change, and these pale, greyish sort of guys pick a fight with me. I kick their asses, but one of the fraggers actually bites me. I don't think anything of it, but it's been a few days. And since then, my vision has been getting kinda blurry, and when I watch my simporn, I don't get horny so much as I get... hungry. Haven't been able to keep anything down, either.
What should I do?
Starving in Seattle.
| QUOTE (Dissonance) |
| Dear AH, I'm a long time reader, first time writing in for advice. Anyways, I was kicking back after a night of doing absolutely nothing illegal whatsoever, enjoying some real beer for a change, and these pale, greyish sort of guys pick a fight with me. I kick their asses, but one of the fraggers actually bites me. I don't think anything of it, but it's been a few days. And since then, my vision has been getting kinda blurry, and when I watch my simporn, I don't get horny so much as I get... hungry. Haven't been able to keep anything down, either. What should I do? Starving in Seattle. |
Dear Starving,
Failed your Sixth World Knowledge skill check, eh? You were bitten by a chupacabre. That's Mexican for "goat-sucker" (they have some really weird sexual practices, hence your simporn problem). They're the real basis for all those legends of the Greys, the Roswell aliens. Their method of procreation is to infect you into a virus that makes you one of them. It doesn't work very well, though...sometimes the transformation is incomplete. You should go see your Street Doc and tell him what I told you. He'll reccomend a special diet he can prepare for you.
Unfortunately, there isn't much of a cure for the lack of normal arousal. I recommend an on-demand chemical gland of viagra III. We in the medical profession like to call it the "Mr. Studd™" implant. Then you can at least perform on demand...even if all the bells and whistles aren't there.
-AH
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