QUOTE (nezumi @ Dec 23 2012, 04:47 PM)
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I read through it. Seems like it's missing the end, so hard to give it a proper review
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It is a Work in Progress, I admit.
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Some quick comments (if you don't mind reviews. They'll feel like very long comments otherwise.)
I welcome them, even if I don't agree.
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1) Establish the conflict early. Reading through, I found several, but no single, overarching one to pull the plot together, and on page 60, you seem to be laying seeds for something totally different.
[ Spoiler ]
I'm building up to something grand, with the Grand Galloping Gala being a bait-and-switch plot. From there I plan to go into a little bit of the old Epic Journey, Alan Quatremain story style, and from there... Well.... You'll see.
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2) Eliminate everything unnecessary;
-- Any sections or plotlines which do not contribute to developing your conflict (in most literature, scenes that develop your characters you should also keep, but your characters are already developed, so unless you're doing something new, keep that to a minimum).
-- Unnecessary lines, especially references to previous episodes. If your reader saw the episode, they already will make the connection. If they haven't, it doesn't help them and breaks the narrative.
-- Words which are superfluous, especially extra adjectives.
--Sections or Plotline: I tend to follow the train of thought that says "Just go wherever." If something monumentally doesn't work, it's not like I can't go back and cut it out later. I'm also doing rather a lot of character development and reconstruction.
-- Unnecessary lines? I'm not sure there are that many of them. Besides, I like the call back.
![smile.gif](http://forums.dumpshock.com/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)
-- Superfluous adjectives? Feel free to highlight any you see with a comment, I may nix it if it's pointed out to me. (And with the lines, too.)
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3) Pay careful attention to your white space. Towards the end, you have two people talking back and forth in the same paragraph. It makes it very dense and hard to follow.
That is a bit of a problem for me, I admit. If you ever find it ambiguous who says what, comment it and I'll clarify the text.
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Aside from that, it was an enjoyable, easy read. I'd be very curious to see what you do to pull together the newest threat you brought up in the last pages.
Heheheh. Which threat might that be, praytell?